BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

How dare he involve you in his sexual fantasies. Your DH should have a strong word with him letting him know he must never ever engage with you in this manner again. The trouble is he sounds mentally unstable so it's important to tread lightly. Try & forget about it OP. This man's sexual inclinations which his wife apparently accepts has absolutely nothing to do with you.

My response to him would be - ‘You have sent me unsolicited pornographic material. You have invaded my space for your own benefit without my consent. I will not only be telling my husband I will be reporting this to the police. Please do not contact me again’

He's only saying he's told his wife because he's now worried you will.

@Calmondeck you entertained that pile of shit for 1.5 hours? Seriously? Why wouldn’t you shut that down immediately?

Because of what she was doing at the time. Most of us have been in that situation with kids and would not prioritise dealing with weird gross texts.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure if I would even reply, but this nails it in terms of what he has done.

I agree with pps that you're under-reacting a bit but also, I can totally see why. It's so out of the blue, and disbelief/wtf is happening? would have been my initial response as well. Along with trying to figure out if it was some kind of cry for help.

But I think it's pretty clear now, it's not that.

This. What a bizarre dude.

I would do this before blocking. He needs to realise how utterly inappropriate he is being.

This is really disturbing. I hope you're okay OP. Really creepy behaviour. I really hope his wife is okay too.

Well I take back my comment about being a possible crisis. It just seemed so frenzied and full on I thought drunk/drugs might be involved. And the formal message in the morning maybe a bit of beer fear. However given developments that isn’t the case. It does seem a lot out of the blue though. With hindsight do you think he has been grooming you OP? What an arsehole.

How are you op? Did you read the Minwalla article? It’s an eye opening read.

I think it should be researched further and more people should read that article. When people say ‘how did his wife not know?’ I totally understand how she didn’t. That article really helps articulate it too. So please don’t assume she is aware.

Sorry this happened to you op. It’s the 2024 version of the anorak man in the bushes. You ask ‘why me?’ You may be one of many. He may have watched too much ‘fucking my relative’ porn. He may get off on the awful position he has put you in. Maybe he wants to fuck over his brother. He may have text the 34th person on his mobile phone address book. Or the person who his wife last talked about. Who knows. It doesn’t matter. It’s illegal and he’s a shit bag. Alcohol is no excuse either.

Tell his wife and then decide if you want to report him. If he was a stranger or a flasher in the bushes you would phone the police.

It’s awful how many men have these issues and sorry to bring up Giselle but the recent case in France shows how widespread such deviant behaviour is. Even with camera evidence and them being on such a vile website they are trying to worm their way out of it. Excuses excuses. (GP is inspirational bringing such behaviour into the public eye).

My DP is going to fact check whether the wife actually knows, once that’s clarified I guess there will be a bigger conversation.

That's all well & good @Calmondeck - but is your DP going to have a conversation with his brother about the inappropriateness of his texts to you?

I think her BIL is a total predator who 100% was getting off on this. Who chose to do this when he knew his brother was out of town and who knew exactly what he was doing.

BUT.... I also think that OP and her DH are in a tough situation here. He's said that he was struggling, his mental health was suffering and he just needed a "safe space". It's entirely possible he might apologise (half heartedly) in the form of, "I'm sorry you were uncomfortable, I was just so unhappy..." kind of way. Meanwhile, he's crying to his wife about how he doesn't know what to do (of course, making it her problem too).

If OP or her DH go in hard, they're very likely going to look like the baddies. Lots of minimising may well happen, "ok, so he sent a few explicit texts but it's not like he was sending her dick pics or asking her to have sex with him" etc etc.

This is why men like this are so disgusting. they get away with an astonishing amount.

'm sorry OP.

I feel for you, Calmondeck, it's an awful situation. You've handled it well, it must have shaken you. Now leave it to your husband to sort out when he comes home. I presume sister-in-law hasn't tried to get in touch with you again, it's up to you whether or not you speak to her if she does. Poor woman.

All the good luck in the world to you.

I think I'd text back and say.
Your texts were completely inappropriate. I have passed all of them on to DH. Do not contact me again.... and block.

If he has a mental health issue its up to him to get help with this. Its not your problem. I think he's getting a kick out of the "secret" conversation... why has he dumped all of this on you... and then claims he's told his poor wife, perhaps so that you will think its all open and honest so that (he thinks) he can continue sending you this stuff.

Take a giant step, if not a giant leap, away from all of this.

Any update OP? I hope you’re ok.

OP, how did you let it go on for 1.5hrs? Why didn’t you end it sooner?

She explained he kept texting as she picked rice off floor & looked after her toddler.
Hoping you're ok, OP.

I wouldn’t do anything.

If you’re uncomfortable with these conversations and don’t want to have another of that nature, then let him know that you’re not the person he should speak to. Otherwise, get on with your life.

I certainly wouldn’t be telling my husband (Most people don’t want to hear about their sibling’s sexual tastes!)

This person is a pest and clearly getting off on sharing this with OP. Why should she keep his dirty little secret and remain uncomfortable at keeping something from her DH?

In a sad turn of events - I learned that BiL not only contacted me but his wife’s sister and wife’s best friend. Not in the explicit detail he went into with me, but almost canvassing whether he’d get sympathetic reactions to his “kink” (as he’s worded it).

BiL is now saying (to my partner) that I’ve been deceptive speaking to my DH and his wife. And what was supposed to be a safe space, I’ve abused.

As some predicted, of course it’s come round to me being the issue, not his behaviour.

He’s sending happy family photos to my DH about their lovely Sunday, saying “no one can break the bond me and my wife share”.

I wish I could rescue his wife but I guess it’s time to accept it’s non of my business now what she accepts going forward

.

Fuck him. I would want to to go no contact. He’s disgusting and is now DARVOing.

@Calmondeck your bil needs his head looked at! I presume that his wife knows what he has done then and she finds it acceptable?? you did not ask to be his "safe space" and you certainly did not ask him to send your porno pics of anyone. he should be ashamed and i hope your dh is standing up for you and telling his weird bro that this is disgusting to do this to his sil!! I for one would be telling the wife what he did if she has not already been told!

I would be making it clear to your partner, and his brother that any further contact will result in you contacting 101 which would trigger SS.

He's a narcissistic creep, and I would make it clear I never want him to contact me again via phone.