Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

One of my friends H did exactly this and he was 100% interested in the other woman.
It's a well trodden dynamic, the selfless work friend painting himself as a hero and emotional crutch to her but of course "nothing more".... Ugh. It creeps, it ramps up. He's "doing nothing wrong"... But if being a "good friend" makes you a worse husband... No He sees her as an obtainable fuck. She's probably encouraging it as well. Getting an ego boost. I'd be interested to see their communications, minus deletions.

For balance I have also got a female friend who, in my opinion, puts way too much emphasis on her closest bestest male buddy at work, but her husband doesnt seem to gaf so why should I.

The excitement probably makes their working day go a bit faster. In my opinion, if you've got to the stage of telling him what he can't do because his own boundaries are so shit, then you're wasting your time only to receive secrecy and disrespect.

I think it can be a natural progression for a relationship for colleagues to become friends, to become close friends, to understand each other in ways that no-one else does, to provide emotional support that they're not getting anywhere else and then to consummate that emotional bond with physical intimacy.

The progression at each stage is not inevitable, but neither is it unlikely.

I think it's okay to be jealous in this situation and to act to set boundaries to protect your marriage, and to hold your husband to his promise that by marrying you he would be putting your needs ahead of others.

Thanks one of the things that has got to me is that we rarely go on dates just the two of us as we are always balancing work/time with daughter! So he finds the time to spend time with her but not me!

I used to go out for coffee/lunch with a male colleague 3/4 times a week, often drinks after work. We became good friends, still keep in contact, went to each other’s weddings, have been on holiday together. Never has there been any attraction from either side. There’s been a few male colleagues I’ve done this with over the years (not many women in my line of work!). It’s never been an issue for me and my husband has never been bothered by it. But, this is usual for me to have male friends, if your husband is one of those types who doesn’t have female friends and possibly only see women as a potential romantic interest then this might not be the same for your situation.

Thanks one of the things that has got to me is that we rarely go on dates just the two of us as we are always balancing work/time with daughter! So he finds the time to spend time with her but not me

That's one of the things that upset me when my ex did similar.

If she's going through a rough time, why isn't she turning to her own husband? Or, if her husband is the cause of her rough time, that's a concern!

he didn't mention anything as he knew how I may react

This is also an alarm bell to me. Unless you have form for blowing up over nothing or being very jealous. In my experience, when it's purely a friendship, keeping it secret doesn't cross the persons mind, unless they have a jealous/controlling partner. In a "normal" relationship, there isn't a need to keep a friendship a secret unless there's something to hide.

But you're in a difficult situation now as he may carry on seeing her and keep hiding it, then if you find out, what do you do then? Ideally he would see your point of view and make the right choice, but will he?

Not the same, though, is it? I am sure if you travelled to his office over lunch, he will quite happily "find the time" to have lunch with you. I assume, he is not finding time to take her on a date after work or spend a weekend hiking in the countryside with her.

Look I work in a male dominated industry and have many male friends.

I call BS. I'm pretty sure if you are having a rough time you speak with your partner and if he's the issue, your long term friends.

If she needs emotional support she can go and cry on her husband's shoulder, or her mother's or her female best friend. She does not find it with another woman's husband! This is almost always the start of an affair. I mean, how many men are really that invested in female troubles/emotions unless they think they can soothe it with their dicks? Does he offer you "emotional support" OP?

I am not a jealous person and am fine with mixed sex friendships in general.

However I think you can tell in your gut when something is off.

I've seen loads of similar threads on here and I think sometimes the bloke involved doesn't even realise (or admit to) the relationship becoming too intimate until it is too late.

It always involves messaging and one-to-one meet-ups, and the woman in question is always having "relationship issues" that the bloke needs to help with. I think that feeling of intimacy and being a knight in shining armour is very addictive and replaces the honeymoon feelings that are hard to maintain with their wife/partner alongside children and general life.

I think you are right to be worried and to raise it with your DH. How you actually stop anything happening though I don't know, other than hoping your DH also realises he needs to be careful.

It is the emotional support thing for me - urgh

Is he already emotionally cheating?

I would not be ok with this at all!
I may be hypersensitive as my ex fiancé cheated on me with a girl from work...reason why he's an ex...

Mmm I've been that colleague. There was definitely more than just friendly colleague shit going on there. It sounds very very familiar. Sorry.

Sounds like they get on well together and he was giving her some emotional support.

If she's having some issues then it's not like she's going to want to go out with a group and blurt all this out! Perhaps she sees him as someone she can talk to and get unbiased advice from or didn't have anyone else?

Either you trust your husband or you don't.

I worked in engineering and was often the only female. I had male friends, we talked about stuff, they'd tell me stuff and sometimes ask me for advice - e.g. a female perspective on something.

My EX hated this, so often I wouldn't tell him as I knew he'd kick off over nothing. Hence he is now my ex as the jealousy was so unattractive and I began to feel isolated and restricted on who I could and couldn't talk to. My husband trusts me so I don't need to tell him my every movement and every person I've had a conversation with. I trust him and he would have no reason to hide stuff from me. I just find jealousy achieves nothing and just drives a wedge between people.

To quote a well-used MN saying - it’s never Trevor from accounts, late 40’s, these men look to help when they have relationship issues or a bad time!

I have quite a few male friends, and the trick is I must not have any romantic interest in them. I think there is always an imbalance though as if we were both single and I said 'fancy a shag, no strings' they would probably say yes, whereas I would always say no if they asked. Means I have to be careful.

And that's the thing isn't it, you don't know this women, and don't know if she would say no in such a scenario

I think context matters here...

If my spouse worked in an office where it was common for people to go to lunch together at the same place then sit and eat together, and it often changed so sometimes it was a couple guys, sometimes a group, sometimes a man and woman, then fine whatever, if it's not some kind of planned 'let's have lunch together alone' event. But going out of your way to make plans to have lunch with someone out of the office, multiple times, while hiding it from your wife, to me this guy is getting a thrill from going out on dates with another woman while also reassuring himself falsely that he isn't doing anything wrong. I bet it's exciting for them both and a little taste of the forbidden. It won't take much to tip it into a full blown affair if it isn't already.

Would you normally share details of your day with each other like this? Is it odd he hasn't mentioned it?

I think another context here is whether this happens with other people. Does he go out of his way to go for lunch alone with 55yr old Nigel from accounts? Or is it for some strange reason just a young attractive female?

Her crying because he is moving teams is a MAJOR sign something deeper is going on. People don't act like that over coworkers, they're not dying they're just working at a different place. Clearly there's a strong emotional connection there. And her going through an emotional rough time and him supporting her is another major red flag. I bet he enjoys being the white knight, shoulder to cry on. Ask yourself, why is this married woman with (I presume) friends, family and a husband, choose a married male coworker to be her emotional support? That's really odd tbh.

Thanks for all your responses

My husband is very emotionally supportive to me- it is something he is very good at so I am not entirely surprised she has latched onto him. As others have said perhaps it's getting a male perspective on things from someone she isn;t related to etc.

But yeah both of them seem to have boundary issues to keep doing this- planning lunches/walks out of the office to local nature spots and messaging each other saying they are looking forward to it or how much they enjoyed it. It seems like they fulfill a need for each other beyond colleagues and maybe more than friends?

The fact he's hidden it shows it's not appropriate. It's an emotional affair already imo. Could turn into physical, if not already.

Three ways of handling this.

1. Do nothing. Rest assured if he's gonna cheat there is not a damn thing you can do about it, and if he does it's good you know so you can decide what you want.
2. Kill the whole thing with kindness. Oh DH how wonderful you've made a new close friend! That's so lovely. Let's have her over with her husband for dinner or a playdate soon. She must be really special for you to like her so much and want to spend so much time with her! His reaction will tell you everything. If it's just friends he will want her to meet you and to perhaps become couple friends. If he makes excuses or seems afraid you know for certain something's up.
3. Put your foot down. It's embarrassing to have to do this with your own husband as if he was a decent man you wouldn't need to. But screw being cool with your husband dating another woman under your nose. DH, I'm not happy about this. I would like you to stop meeting her outside of work and talking to her outside of work. If I find out you've done either of these things, consider our marriage over.

Note... the latter... I think personally it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. Lots of people do. But hiding it from your spouse, not introducing them, that is not the way to go about it. I don't think it's remotely controlling to not want your husband doing this. As long as you're not generally controlling about friendships, I think you'd be dumb tbh not to put your foot down here.

OP I think @Alina3 has given you great advice.

All emotional affairs progress in exactly the same way. The point it becomes a secret it usually the time a line is crossed.

It’s worrying he is offering her emotional support in secluded nature spots and not the local cafe. Why do they need to be alone? Sorry op, but I think there’s an awful lot more to this story.

It's the hiding it that would be an issue for me. I have a male best friend, I'm female. We met at work and built up a friendship over the years, 8 of which I've been in a relationship with my now husband. Friend & I would often go out of work for lunch, mostly to bitch about work! We have nights outs/takeaways together. I've even slept in his spare room after a good night drinking He is a great friend. My husband would always be welcome but he isn't fussed for our chat! Some people question the male/female friendship but it's never been like that. But my husband knows every time we meet & if he were uncomfortable with any part of our friendship I would respect his request to alter any of it.

Instead of addressing the concerns you raised he has escalated to secretly meeting up with her in secluded spots and lying about it.

I would want a serious conversation at this point. I would be clear he has one chance to be honest about the extent of their relationship or he can leave.

Men don't do nice things without expecting something in return. I'm sorry this is happening.

Suggest a double date for all four of you! You and your DH, and DH's colleague and her husband.

See what your husband's reaction is.

Er…yeah they probably want to bone eachother.