Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

I think you are right to be suspicious. As another poster said, it is never a late 40 year old male from accounts, these men need to help is it? Or if it is, you'd know as they'd tell you! It's always a female having a difficult time and needing a shoulder to cry on. My dh had a female work friend, he'd tell me about when they were meeting for lunch, what they had to eat etc, their conversations, as if he'd met any friend, no secrets. The fact that he is being secretive is worrying. I would trust your gut. Talk to him and explain your worries.

Im on the other side of this - I'm a 43 yo woman who has a good platonic relationship with my male 42yo colleague. He was promoted and I really miss him! So we sometimes have lunch together, although we sit in the cantine when we do. I like him, we have similar interests and enjoy each other's company. That's it.

What does your gut tell you OP? It seems fairly obvious from your initial post that you feel something is off.

I didn't trust my gut partly due to the amount of gaslighting my stbxh did and making me feel I was being ridiculous.

Well they did have an affair and they both left long term marriages to be with eachother so everyone who also told me that there couldn't possibly be anything in it as she was also married was wrong too!

It's just amazing OP that on the countless other threads on MN which describe similar situations to yours that the DH or DP in question say the female colleague needs emotional support because of the situation they are going through.
It would be laughable if it weren't so serious.
Who'd think that ther job description actually included providing emotional support for often younger, usually attractive, female colleagues?
You really need to have a serious discussion with your DH about boundaries. It sounds as though the situation may have crossed even that line. But you need to tell him that what he is doing is not acceptable in a marriage where his wife is supposed to be his primary concern.

I think he’s already further down the slippery slope than most people would feel comfortable with and this is a tale as old as time and surely how most emotional affairs progress: “she just needs someone to talk to” “we’re just friends, she needs me” “it’s not sexual we’re just talking”… its basically feeding into the whole white knight role that seems to appeal to lots of men.

You aren't being unfair. I would have called her on teams to ask outright wtf she thought she was playing at. Then I'd be asking my husband if he wants a divorce because if he carries on having dates with another woman that's exactly what he'd be getting. The pair of them are trying to have an affair (if it hasn't already happened) don't be naive and make sure he understands the consequences of his actions. Nip that fantasy in the bud.

But isn’t this when he’s in the office? I go for lunch with people when I’m in the office but never manage to find the time when I’m home.

You are right to be concerned, the hero/mentor/rescuing thing is always dodgy.

op, sadly your gut instincts are probably correct. It sounds like an emotional affair. Lunch is one thing but texting each other that they’re looking forward to it/enjoyed it etc is another. He is enjoying being needed/wanted by her and being a shoulder to cry on.

He has already overstepped boundaries and he is gaslighting you by blaming you saying how you’d react. He knows he’s doing wrong but yet he’s giving himself permission to do so despite knowing it upsets you.

Do you think you can talk to him about it? Explain that this is how affairs happen, that you’re trying to protect your marriage and you’d like him to put some boundaries in place to do so too?

Ultimately, you can’t stop him having an affair if that’s what he chooses. You can only choose what to do if it happens.

im really sorry you’re in this situation.

Ok thanks everyone- a bit of a mixed bag in terms of feedback. I’ve spoken with him tonight when he came and said

1. this is really bothering me and has been on my mind and feel it is affecting our marriage so whatever it is has become an issue.
2. I want him to have good friends, male or female. This may mean the odd meet up with colleagues during or after work. I don’t have a problem with that and as others have said that’s normal. However I feel this specific dynamic is beyond that. Arranging to meet up just the two of them, picking spots in the local area to visit and always just the two of them and then having deep emotional conversations. I’ve told him that’s a line for me and I expect him to honour that. I’ve said next time she wants to meet up then invite others along and place a boundary which will give her the message this isn’t ok.
3. I’ve told him others at work will have already or are likely to notice if the two of them are going off together and this can lead to gossip/rumours and backfire in work as well. I asked if her husband knew about the meet ups and he said he didn’t think he did! So he’s probably clueless about it all- more secrecy!
4. we discussed boundaries and that I feel he needs to manage his better. If she comes to him and steers the conversation towards deep emotional problems that he can acknowledge that and perhaps suggest she talks about it with a family member/spouse etc
5. honesty- I said he needs to be completely honest and upfront with me. I don’t need to know everything he’s been doing but if hes making specific plans or she wants to do something with him then he needs to tell me and we can talk it over.

let’s see how it goes. Clearly there are grey areas but there’s too many alarm bells ringing for me to just ignore this - whatever it’s labelled it’s too close for me and I’m glad I’ve talked to him and thanks everyone for advice.

Well done OP.
I hope your DH takes on board what you have said and nips this thing in the bud before it goes any further.

You have handled that well!

You have handled that well

You really have.

One hundred per cent they are interested in each other and not just as friends. This happened to me about 20 years ago. He left me and our children for her and married her.

I suppose it’s possible I’ve told them I missed them after a long or unexpected absence. Would definitely have been weepy at some point. So were they, no doubt! I couldn’t say whether I told DH I was meeting them. Probably sometimes, not always. I didn’t regard them as friendships that needed to be disclosed, any more than my female friendships.

Some people on here seem to think that male/female friendships are so anomalous and dangerous that they need to be retired once you’re in a relationship or ‘sanitised’ by disclosure of every text message to a partner. I don’t agree.

This is how my ex started cheating. He went to lunch with a woman from work. They spent their lunch hour together every single day for more than five years. It made the cheating impossible for me to spot since it was within working hours, but everyone at their work knew. I cannot tell you how humiliating it is to be the last one to know. One of their coworkers even thought they were married, FFS. They didn't even try to hide it. That was how strong their cruelty and contempt for their spouses was.

I'd say you have every right to be suspicious. He lied to you about it by omission, which is never a good sign. I'd be willing to bet it was more than 2 or 3 times.
Her getting all emotional about missing him says it's more than friendship, at least on her side. I'd be contacting a private investigator to find out.

I work in a sector which is absolutely overrun with affairs. I can think of 3 lots of “friends” in my current workplace who started out doing exactly what you describe and every single one of them has went on to have an affair of some sort. 2 have left their spouses and one pair are currently sleeping together behind their spouses backs.

How did he react?

YANBU. They are never providing emotional support to fat bald Gary, it’s always a younger and attractive female.

Funny that…

What you've said is assertive and clear and from your perspective.

How did he respond?

I've got male work friends who I'm close to, message frequently out of work, I'd go out for food and drinks with just them. However I wouldn't ever -

• Get tearful because they moved teams (or even company or industry, that's way more than 'good friends', that's a high emotional dependence)

• keep any meetings or communication from my husband

• message them saying how much I was looking forward to seeing them or how amazing a time I'd had. That's not normal for a colleague that you see fairly frequently

• blame my husband if he raised the fact that he was uncomfortable if I was particularly close to one specific person above all others

The fact he said he had to hide it because he knew you wouldn't like it is a huge red flag (unless you have a history of jealousy or controlling behaviour). He knew that it looks sus but instead of questioning why he is doing something that most people think is inappropriate, he goes ahead with the behaviour and then hides it

I think this is it in a nutshell, all this do you trust your husband or not is sadly irrelevant. I think we’ve all seen enough stories on here or wives who did trust their husbands and were utterly shocked when they found out they were having affairs.
it offers some excitement, attention etc away from the drudgery of home life and men are suckers.
i had the same with my husband and fortunately I did catch it in time.There may have been a kiss but I don’t believe any more but I’ll never know. As soon as they start hiding it in anyway there’s a concern.
I managed to check my husband’s activity history on FB and he was constantly looking at her photos and was clearly failing for her.
its a horrible feeling but hopefully you can head it off

I would be VERY unhappy about any partner providing emotional support to a woman. Forming that emotional connection is how women fall in love (well in my case anyway-not that I'd ever have an affair) assume it's similar for other women. And once the woman is interested the bloke is unlikely to pass up the offer of sex unfortunately.

That sounds absolutely great what you said.

What was his response?

Good luck, I really hope he complies with the boundaries you put in place which are all reasonable.
Your story sounds very familiar & was on a trajectory to an affair IMO but hopefully your talk will sink in & he will respect you.