Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

He is keeping it a secret because he knows he is crossing a line.

How did he react when you confronted him about it?

The secrecy would get me too. If it was open then fine, my DH has female friends and I couldn't care less. But hiding it is a major red flag.

he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

This part stood out to me - he may genuinely not have told you because you might be upset OR he may not have told you because he knew you'd see it for what it is...

Go on your gut feeling and keep it an open topic of conversation with DP. Secrets shouldn't be kept especially if they involve another person. Your feelings are as valid as his.

That really isn’t true. I have longtime male friends who have been there for me in tough times, two of whom were originally colleagues in former jobs, and those friendships were unaffected by me getting married, or them getting divorced. We’ve had ample opportunity to sleep together (work trips, the odd weekend away, DH working away, we working away), but haven’t. If they’re waiting for me to fall into their arms with my clothes magically having evaporated, they’re playing a very, very long game.

OP, I can’t speak to your specific situation, but I was that colleague in the past. We definitely went for lunches together or the occasional post-work drink and fired a connection that still endures several workplaces later, but there was nothing sexual involved, just a good friendship.

I’m not usually one for LTB, but the fact is he’s already emotionally cheating, not to mention lying to you about it.

I’d be preparing to leave him at this point. I’d give him one last chance to be honest with me about what’s going on, but if I felt he was still lying or omitting details, I’d be done. I don’t see how the trust could be recovered at that point.

He is prioritising this pathetic pick-me over you, his actual wife to whom he made an actual commitment. That is not OK, it’s exactly what the “forsaking all others” part of the wedding vows is getting at. Know your worth, OP, and don’t let him gaslight you with his supportive friend bullshit. He wants to fuck her. You deserve better.

I have a male colleague who is also a close friend who I spend a lot of time with in and out of the office, so I always give the benefit of the doubt on these threads. However, not telling you is a mega red flag. People who don’t think they’re doing anything wrong don’t keep it secret from their partners, ever.

Errr yeah they definitely do. Been there. Managed not to do it but that was 100% the subtext of all of it.

He's headed far down a dangerous path. If my husband had asked me to cut contact with my colleague, I wouldn't have been able to. That's the power of an emotional affair.

This is not an ok situation tbh. Far too much-crying because he left? Lunches even though they don't work together any more? As PP said, how come it's always friendship with a woman, never some old male colleague they got on with? No fool like a middle aged fool is there? And your DH seems to be being one of those here.

The issue will be that if you ask him to pack it in he will tell you it's all in your mind/you are being controlling/it's innocent etc etc and you can't prove it isn't.....

This sort of stuff eats away at relationships one way or another....

I've had really good friends at work & gone out for lunch with them & never is it anything other than a friendship.

Have you met this woman? Is there a reason your not trusting your husband in this case?

They’re having an emotional affair. He probably thinking it’s just a ‘platonic friendship’ as nothing has happened.

I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date!

Going for lunch or a walk with a colleague is not a "date", good grief. Otherwise I've inadvertently dated half the people I've ever worked with.

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Hanging out one-on-one with someone does not mean your relationship is becoming more than colleagues/friends, good GRIEF. Otherwise I've been in inadvertent romances with half the people I've ever worked with.

When I was young and trying to build my career it was so tiresome trying to network and get mentoring (and 20 years ago whatever industry you worked in, the senior figures would almost always be older men) while having to navigate background paranoia from wives when you knew neither you nor the man had anything other than a professional interest in each other. And your male peers never had to bloody worry about that.

She has problems + he's her knight in shining armour = emotional affair in the making

How do you tell the difference between a friendship & an emotional affair? Is a friendship with anyone of the opposite sex an emotional affair?

The point where someone starts hiding it @CrumblyOwl

If they don't hide it they tend to get accused of "mentionitis" on here.

Some people are just incapable of understanding that male-female platonic and professional relationships can exist without either party having romantic or sexual interest in each other.

This is exactly what my ex did - almost exactly to the word. That colleague too was going through emotional problems blah blah, and now-ex was only supporting her as a friend blah blah blah. None of that was true. Watch out. Your DH is either involved or very close to being involved.

I agree with others in that it’s the hiding it that’s the problem here really rather than the actual meeting up. I have lunch sometimes with a male colleague I worked with previously if we end up working in the same office for the day, there’s nothing at all sinister in it BUT I would never hide that from my husband. I always mention my lunch plans if I have any and if they come up last minute then I’d tell my husband about it in the evening when we chat about our days. There’s no issue in having lunch with a work colleague or friend but for me the fact it’s been kept a secret suggests that he knows he is crossing a line.

A shoulder to cry on becomes a penis to ride on.

I am not someone who believes that married people shouldn't have friends of the opposite gender. In fact one of my best friends is a male colleague.

BUT there are a number of things here that set alarm bells ringing for me. The biggest thing is the secrecy, and his response to being found out. "I didn't tell you because I knew how you'd react" is straight out of the cheaters manual I'm afraid. He's trying to shift the blame by making out that he wouldn't have to meet up with another woman in secret if you reacted differently, so really it's your fault. This is gaslighting and it's not OK.

Trust your gut, OP.

So he knew you probably wouldn't like them meeting up - but he did it anyway. He then kept it secret from you. He is prioritising meeting up with this woman and being her shoulder to cry on over you and your marriage.

The problem you have now is that he did this secretly - and you have no way of knowing if it will carry on secretly with him telling you what you want to hear. It's a really shit situation to be in OP.

If you don't see them though do you tearfully tell them how much you've missed them? I really doubt it. And do you then keep it secret from you husband if you're meeting up with them for lunch?

I also believe you can have male/female relationships but this doesn't look like that from the outside. It looks decidedly more, whether it is or not doesn't matter, it is how it looks especially to those both he and she work with. He needs to be careful about all of this particularly from the angle of anything he messaged to her could be used by her against him at work if she suddenly decides he isn't giving her enough. So all his messaged could be seen by HR and senior staff, would he want that?

The meeting for lunch away from the office.going on nature walks and keeping it is a secret is a massive reg flag. Him acting as the hero, also a red flag.

Dh has had lunches with female colleagues but it is always in the building where they work and the break rooms are very open and visible for all to see. He has always maintained that he wanted to be above suspicion and reproach. He has never messaged anyone outside of work hours either. I have had great friendships with male colleagues but have sat a respectable distance from them and usually gone for lunch in a group of 3 or 4.

@gannett well yes of course they can but affairs also happen and it's naive to make out they ever do.

If you've been in a relationship a while and never felt off about a friend of the opposite sex before there's usually a reason if you start to think something is a bit off with one in particular.

As a woman would you be going on walks to nature spots with a guy on your own unless you were already in some kind of a relationship- even if it's not physical - I wouldn't, trusted colleague or not.

I don't believe you can't have friends of the opposite sex, you can , but I've met very few guys who bothered to this degree with someone they were not attracted to or unless it was for career advancement or old Uni friends etc

they are both married with kids so nothing would happen

He is deluding himself, how does he think affairs happen? This is how.
Intelligent people never assume themselves to be immune from affairs, and people who care about their marriages actively avoid situations like this.