Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

Doesn't sound like a date, it was a date. Why didn't he tell you about it? How many was it, 2 or the 3? Because either of those you'd remember how many. Why isn't her own husband supporting her?

Yabu. My husband had a great relationship with one of his female colleagues, they still occasionally (once or twice a year ish) call each other and even meet up even though they haven’t worked together for years. I used to work with a guy I got on really well with and sometimes we’d go for lunch just the two of us. Nothing dodgy involved and no jealousy from anyone because men and women can be friends.

… that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen.

Kudos for definitively asserting your boundaries, @Lovetoread2024.

Re his words above, your H is being disingenuous. Plenty has happened after he opened this window to OW. They have moved their relationship into EA territory and are enjoying mutual attraction, validation, intimacy and reliance. Their Rescuer/Damsel dynamic must be extremely gratifying, hence his subterfuge about their alone-time outings that strengthen their connection.

@Lovetoread2024, you’ve been perfectly clear about what you will not tolerate. I hope that H seriously contemplates his line-crossing and what he will lose if he doesn’t shut down this budding romance. Despite your previously expressing discomfort with their closeness, he sneakily escalated his investment and lied by omission. If he is determined to continue prioritizing OW, he will engineer ways to be with her while pretending to be transparent with you.

I suggest that you both read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass, who examines how marriages/relationships are threatened and damaged when one partner allows boundaries to weaken and channels an abundance of emotional energy into a third party.

To be honest I do think you’re being unreasonable on the surface. I have been on loads of lunches/walks with colleagues. Both in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. Both males and females. I have never got with anyone that I work with. Honestly the majority of time is just spent letting off steam about work. It seems quite a reach for you to refer to this as a “date”.

My ex partner did something similar but with a school mum. Our children played together and he'd take our children over for playdates and to soft plays. I was pleased he had made a friend and thought she was fun and friendly. I started getting a 'funny feeling' after a few months. Something had changed..Then discovered they'd meet up alone during the day when I was at work. I begged him to tell me if something was going on. He said it was all in my head and they were just friends and liked chatting to each other. Of course they weren't just friends. A few weeks later I found out they had been sleeping together but 'never in a million years" meant to hurt me. Well, it did. But it had all started with an emotional connection. That' feeling' some people call it 'spidey sense' is usually right. Nip it in the bud and ask the colleague and husband over for dinner. You'd be able to tell a lot from his reaction to that suggestion. Mine didn't confess until I had pure evidence. Even then he tried to lie. This was 4 months ago.

Have you met her OP? If not I suggest you do, I would want to meet someone my husband was providing emotional support to and see what their behaviour is like together.

I have male friends and dh has female friends, we both meet our respective friends for coffee/lunch BUT never keep.it a secret, that's the issue here for me. If there is nothing in it, why didn't he mention it? Saying 'I knew you'd react this way' is a cop out, I'd 100% rather have a difficult conversation with DH than be kept in the dark. He needs to see you perspective here, particularly if you are not usually the jealous/insecure type

He knows there is something inappropriate. That why else would he hide it from you?

Thanks again everyone. Husband was apologetic and seemed to take what I said on board. He said he wouldn’t want to do anything that threatened me or our marriage. I told him about being completely honest and if there was anything else that had happened I should know about. He said when he was in London last year with some colleague that’s the two of them spent some time together, had drinks and went shopping together but that’s all. He let me look through his teams and after they last met up and went to a local beauty spot she messaged him to say “thanks it was just what I needed” I told him I didn’t think that was appropriate and that needed to stop! Will have to see how he gets on and keep you all posted

Good point.

Your DH needs to wake up now, before he gets to the final stage of two marriages breaking up. Although it might be painful for him he needs to back right off and let her other friends help her through her rough patch.

He let me look through his teams and after they last met up and went to a local beauty spot she messaged him to say “thanks it was just what I needed” I told him I didn’t think that was appropriate and that needed to stop!

What on earth is inappropriate about that? I must have said "thanks, needed that!" or similar to colleagues so many times after everything from professional advice to a good meal out after a long working day.

I have to say I'd have hit the roof if DP had given me the ultimatums you gave your husband and I would not be complying.

gannett

They basically went on a date.

I said this earlier in the thread but going for a walk with a colleague is not basically a date. It's not nearly a date. It's nowhere near a date.

They spent time together, went for drinks and went shopping together: that's what couples do. And that's as well as meeting up to visit a beauty spot. All done in secret so that OP was deliberately kept in the dark and the colleague's DH wasn't told either.
How can you say that us appropriate behaviour? OP had every right to be concerned and to talk to her DH.

He said when he was in London last year with some colleague that’s the two of them spent some time together, had drinks and went shopping together but that’s all

He has developed quite a relationship with her on the quiet hasn't he. A few days ago you knew nothing of this and still wouldn’t if you hadn’t seen her message.

Your husband has used lies by omission to conceal this relationship from you. I think you are getting a very watered down version of their relationship and just how much time they’ve spent together. Did you have access to any other apps he might have used to communicate with her? My ex husband used to message his affair partner on EBay. He also used to take her out for lunch and offer “ emotional support “ as she had problems.

Ask him if they hug.

“He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!”

This 👆 is textbook. Whether is on both sides or just one, lines are being crossed here. You are right to object. Now you need to watch.

It's also what friends do. I've done all of those things hundreds of times with many friends, male and female, with no romantic motives on either side.

Secrecy is no ideal but as far as I can tell he hasn't lied about anything. I don't tell DP the details of who I spend my working days with and which colleagues I talk to, and I don't expect him to tell me. And I certainly don't expect either of us to have a say in it unless it actually crosses a line, which this hasn't.

The fact this woman cried when your husband moved to a different department, is not only weird but a red flag. Your husband told you about this incident. Did he comment on if he thought it was strange or just accepted it as normal behaviour? It's not normal behaviour!! It certainly looks as if this woman has an emotional attachment to your husband. If this woman was attaching herself emotionally to your husband, would he recognise that fact?! I ask because some men are clueless on how manipulative a woman can be. I think us women are far more intuitive than men. It's possible, he could only be only trying to support her. It may not have entered his head, that she might be wanting more. Of course the flip side is that he is perfectly aware he's being the knight in shining armour, and is revealing in it and is attracted to her.

Also like hell would I ever let DP look through my work Teams. Or even my personal messages. Any early sign that he'd even think that a reasonable thing to ask and I've have dumped him pronto.

It's also what friends do. I've done all of those things hundreds of times with many friends, male and female, with no romantic motives on either side.

what exactly is your point? This thread is not about you and your friends.

You are talking about what is normal in your relationship.

If OP feels this is not normal behaviour in her relationship she has every right to talk to her DH and voice her concerns. And talk about boundaries with him
.
She has every right to be concerned about her DH's interaction with a female colleague who is looking to him for emotional support. And to be concerned about him meeting up in with her in social situations in secret. Just because this would be acceptable in your relationship doesn't mean it's acceptable in hers.

in London last year with some colleague that’s the two of them spent some time together, had drinks and went shopping together

Oof. That sounds like he was dating her, or trying to. (Whatever the spiky Gannett poster seems to think)

Yes it reminded me of the £20,000 ( or similar huge amount) necklace thread where the OP's DH took his mistress to a spa and then went on a shopping trip with her.
I'm not saying the situation is the same but going shopping together is such a " couple" thing to do and implies a real closeness. And OP's DH must have known this otherwise he wouldn't have kept it secret from his DW.

I agree with a pp about couple behaviour. Generally when people act like a couple it’s because they are. Did the drinks and shopping occur before or after her tearful declaration about missing him? He was comfortable doing this with colleagues around who must have raised their eyebrows at their cosy shopping trip. We all know he wouldn’t be trailing round the shops with Trevor. What did she buy?

It will be helpful for you to create a timeline. Because at some point he made the conscious decision to conceal the relationship. As many of us know, this will be the point where their friendship changed into something inappropriate that needed to be kept hidden.

I think you’re going to get what’s known as trickle truth. The gradual revealing of more and more information. If anything further is revealed to you, you should suggest getting colleague and her husband on a call in that very moment to get to the bottom of it. I don’t think he will want to explain to another man how he thought it was appropriate to take someone else’s wife to secluded nature spots and keep that information from his own wife.

His reaction to that suggestion will tell you an awful lot.

@gannett, I occasionally feel it’s only you and me on here who have normal ideas about male/female friendships in the context of marriage. I have absolutely gone to London and NYC with male colleague-friends, gone for meals, to museums, to beauty spots, away for the odd weekend. I’ve never gone shopping with anyone, as I hate shopping. I’m happily married to a man with good female friends.

I still cherish the memory of a thread where several posters asserted that going to the cinema with a male friend was inappropriate because the cinema was ‘date territory’.