Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

Hmmm. I'm not surprised this is making your feel uncomfortable.

Have you asked him how he would feel if it were you messaging / meeting up in this manner with a male colleague?

Thanks everyone my head is all over the place.

we had it out last night and I’ve told him to stay at his mums for now. My gut feeling is that I just can’t trust him and the way this whole thing makes me feel. I’ve tried being honest with him last year and making it clear but I just don’t think he respects me.

he got upset and begged to stay but I just said I needed some space to think this over. I told him I’m sick of feeling on edge and feeling like I have to spy on his messages to know what is going on! It’s a horrible place to be in.

as far as I’m aware they haven’t kissed or anything but I just feel so on edge with their closeness and time together.

i don’t have any sort of plan. I can manage a few days with the kids on my own and get them to and from school but he usually does a lot with them and his share of school runs so I’m a bit stuck from next week. What a mess. Thanks all for providing a space I can vent and giving your opinions as I don’t have many close friends nearbye I can speak to

For what it's worth, I think you have done the right thing. You cannot change/control your DH's behaviour, only he can do that. But you can control how you respond to his behaviour. And by getting him to leave for a few days shows that you are taking time for yourself and distancing yourself from this nasty, silly, damaging situation he has created.

It might be the final wake up he needs? Or it might be that you decide you don't want him to come back? I think it would be very hard to find your way back from this because I suspect you will have lost a lot of respect for him, by now? I couldn't respect a man who carried on like a sneaky teenager behind my back, even if it's been fairly innocent. And loss of respect is usually fatal in a marriage.

I believe that if your partner/DH is making you feel confused, unhappy and stressed over a long period of time then they just don't love you.

@Lovetoread2024 I think that’s the right thing to do - if it’s just a silly ego buzz it will bring him that actions have consequences- I do hope if he values you that he sees how unacceptable his behaviour is , if he doesn’t - well, you have your answer sadly

Bollocks - it's just no-one would ever post on Mumsnet about that.

Yes! The men I know spend a lot of time texting, going for lunch or getting drunk with Trevor from Accounts or Dave the Project Manager because they are their mates!

Yes but Trevor or Dave dont flirt with them on Teams or message them saying "thinking of you". Because they are mates.

Thats how we know that they are not just mates. I have male mates, and the reason we are mates is because we dont flirt, there is no "other" to it.

@Lovetoread2024, how are things going for you?

Your H has brought another woman into your marriage. After discovering that he had been secretly going on lunch and nature-spot dates with OW, you drew a line and stated your requirements. You gave him the opportunity to prioritize your marriage and protect his fidelity. What did he do? He stayed in a buzzy bubble with her, continued building their connection, and confided about his family issues. He engineered ways to stay connected via books and movies, and even their mundane life chat deepened their over-familiarity. His callous disregard and devaluation of you was massive, so you were wise to show him the door.

Is he still staying elsewhere?

I'd not be letting him back op.

I can't believe he didn't just tell you that he would call her up infront of you to tell her that he no longer wants any contact with her because it's threatening his marriage. I mean him just going to his mum without trying to fix things is quite telling of how important she is to him. Would love to know how the other husband feels about this.

I agree that him going to his mum without trying to fix things is quite telling of how important she is to him

I think I would be inclined to give the "colleague" a call and tell her to keep away from my husband. I'd probably follow that up with a call to her husband. Your husband is responsible for his behaviour but she has encouraged it. I'd probably call his mother too about the matter. You can probably guess I'm not Anglo Saxon here but the colleague (and your husband) has happily lobbed a bombshell into your life and I think you should return the favour

I work closely with lots of men. I can't imagine going on cosy lunch dates and to local beauty spots with any of them or having some out of hours communication about a personal matter. I have never messaged a male colleague about a non-work related matter. This is because I have professional standards and boundaries.

I'd be working out how much I could extract from my straying husband as well. Lust can vanish at the prospect of sharing matrimonial property and solo childcare - be sure to get everything you can lay your hands on. The colleague may well not have any intentions of leaving her husband and that really does leave your husband in a bedsit or living with his mum - not instant women magnets it has to be said.

Thanks all for your input

I’m still trying to wrap my head around things and he is still at his mums. He’s called and messaged a lot saying he will apply for another job or whatever it takes to keep our marriage going. He has promised to attend couples therapy and he will cut any contact with her.

I just don’t trust him though. Deep down I think he has already crossed a line and I’m not sure I can ever look past this. I know plenty of people who have forgotten cheating partners but this connection seems deeper which is more hurtful. He already promised last year to back off but he hasn’t so what’s to stop him going back to her in a few months once he’s back!

I also rely on him though for childcare and pick ups from school some days so it’s a bit of a mess. I just know I can’t go on in a marriage when I don’t trust what he’s doing!!

That’s the big problem isn’t it from your update. How do you get the trust back?
You had already said you were uncomfortable about it all previously and he didn’t knock it all on the head.

He obviously had/has an emotional connection to her. You’ve again discovered their ongoing messaging and it’s now come to a big point of issue.

Realistically there’s only two choices. You either try and work through it all with counselling and hope to get back on track with no further issues going forward.
Or you don’t.

It’s all down to trust. He has to demonstrate very boldly that you can trust him going forward and earn your trust again and you will need to trust in him. But there’s going to be a period of time that is extremely difficult and uncomfortable to navigate. Sadly you can’t change the past. But you can work on the present and future.

What a kick in the teeth to be relegated to second best while she gets the dates and book talk. Well done for taking action.

So he wants another chance to ‘keep your marriage going’? He chose to blow his second chance and can’t be trusted with another.

@Lovetoread2024, he duped you with
lip-service when you set boundaries last year. He then proceeded to disregard your feelings and your agreement, while continuing to invest his emotional energy into their relationship. He was boosting OW and lapping up her validation while diminishing you, his Wife.

In my view, you’d be very foolish to give him a third chance.

Stick to your guns

Aren’t they his kids too? Shouldn’t he just drove over and collect them for the school run? He’s still a dad!

@Lovetoread2024, I was just reading through the thread again and am still appalled at their inappropriate ‘coupley’ behavior. The walks, beauty spots, lunches, mutual confiding and emotional support, thinking of you, missing you, looking forward to 1:1, enjoyed 1:1, flirting, compliments, gifs, providing/discussing films and books, chats about everyday life, etc.

Her comment after an outing, ‘Thank you, that was just what I needed’ is significant, as it shows his commitment to pleasing her. Of course there has been much in-person interaction at work that you aren’t privy to.

He was confident that he could carry on with OW with no real repercussions, that you wouldn’t actually take any effective action. He is now pleading ‘I’ll cut contact with her’, but it’s too late. A truly remorseful man would have cut her off in November. It sounds like he still hasn’t done so…

When he wrote ‘missing you’ on her day off. Thats not something he would have text Malcolm or Jean is it? Or even his mother. That sentence in itself is so grossly inappropriate - has he tried defending or explaining it to you? How could he possibly justify sending it to ‘just a’ work colleague?

Clearly they are using each other as escapism and a ‘safe non-affair’. They are doing everything but sexual activity (it’s implied) so they can have the ‘moral’ high ground of saying they haven’t kissed and aren’t sleeping together. It allows them to look their families in the eye and sleep at night. But take out that element and this is exactly what an early relationship looks like with the intimacy and interest in each other lives and well-being shown. How could he say this wasn’t a ‘special’ relationship if he doesn’t treat ANY of his other friends or work colleagues this way? It’s delusional.

@Lovetoread2024 I could have written your post and subsequent updates almost word for word as this has been my relationship for the last 18 months.

We’ve been together 24 years and have 2 late teens. Like you, nothing physical has (apparently) happened and I have ‘absolutely nothing to worry about’ but for me I think it’s the deep connection they seem to have. She has stopped it for now and blocked him as she apparently doesn’t think it’s a good idea but who knows what goes on at work or through some other form of communication I’ve not found 🤦‍♀️.

I’m not willing to give up yet, probably more fool me, as I want my family together, but my trust and confidence in myself has been pretty bashed. I think one of the biggest kicks in the teeth I’ve had recently is finding out that the lovely dog that we got a year ago to help try and get us out more together etc was partly her idea as ‘she thought it would help’. So not only do I feel she (together obviously with him) is instrumental in our current issues, she’s somehow trying to be our counsellor too - it would be bloody hilarious if it wasn’t so ironic 😂

Sending much strength and solidarity to you.

Thanks all, it’s a very difficult time but I’ve found all your comments so supportive

I’m going to stick to my guns for now and insist he stays at his mums but he needs to find a way to come and pick the kids up etc and I think I need time to figure out what to do next!

it sounds awful but I honestly would have preferred he just went to Amsterdam and slept with a prostitute and got it out his system. That would have been awful too but I feel like I could see that more as a stupid one off/mid life crisis/drunken mistake. Not that I would have wanted that to happen and I would still have kicked him out but it somehow feels more painful he has this special connection with someone that feels much deeper than a quick shag. Not sure if I’m even making sense anymore.

Trying to focus on having a nice Mother’s Day with the kids, hope you all are having a nice day :)

I would rather my husband had an affair than paid a vulnerable woman to have sex. There would be NO coming back from that.

Sorry to kick you when you are down, but a man who preys on/pays a woman is not getting unconditional consent. That's what prostitution is. This is a forum for women and we should NEVER advocate this.

@Lovetoread2024 I do know exactly how you feel. My H for quite a period of time ( maybe18 months) was writing poems and songs ( and recording himself singing them too) about someone who worked with us and whom he had been on lots of work trips with as an assistant - he hid them all and I found them accidentally 10 years later-she was21 at time- he was 41. A ton of mills and boon type slush and all about feeling ‘trapped’ and her being a ‘ray of light’ - he said it was just a one sided crush but I won’t ever really know. very hard to get past that although i have stayed as it was a long time ago ( 20 years ago now) - I would definitely have found a one off drunken shag easier to cope with mentally

Yes you’re absolutely right and I shouldn’t have said that. I just would rather he had a meaningless one night stand than all this!! Thanks for keeping me right though

I read an article about infidelity - think I’ve posted on MN before about it - but it said that when asked, the majority of men would prefer their OH to have an emotional affair, and women would prefer theirs to have a physical one. I expect it all boiled down to the fear of inadequacy men feel when comparing themselves sexually to another man, and women (altho not wanting their partner to shag another person) realising that EF’s mean an emotional bond that is a lot harder to suppress and cut off than just physical gratification.

The men surveyed obv weren’t bothered about their partners pining for the other person, or caring about them deeply on an emotional level. As long as they weren’t thinking the other guy was better in bed/had a bigger cock, all good presumably 🙄