Husband and female colleague

[Lovetoread2024]

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

You know what @MakemyTeaPlease I didn't spot it at the time, but in hindsight it's absolutely what happened.

I don't know if it was deliberate on his part; I'd like to think he's a better person than that, and it just spoke to something in him, but who knows.

It doesn't matter now - I just wanted to point out the similarities. The husband in this thread could actually be my colleague, he may have moved on to another needy woman for all I know.

And I think those defending OPs H are kind of missing the point - as @MillyMichaelson said friendships are all good and fine if you don't fancy each other or there is no 'frisson' - it's dodgy territory if there is an attraction- I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I rather suspect this colleague is attractive and quite 'his type' and that's another very logical reason OP feels on guard-

My husband is very emotionally supportive to me- it is something he is very good at so I am not entirely surprised she has latched onto him

This isn’t about how supportive he is to you. You’re his wife so he should be. It’s about the fact that most people have an inner circle and an outer circle. She is clearly in his inner circle. And they feel close enough to have very personal conversations.

During your marriage you must have had friends or family experiencing difficulties or had difficulties yourself. Did he take them, or you, out for drinks or to secluded nature reserves? Take them for walks?

It can be draining to be expected to be a support to someone. Like most people I’m happy to do it for family and close friends. I would not be offering emotional support to a married colleague, it’s not something I want to happen at work.

@Lovetoread2024, re your recent update, it does sound like they are seeking out adventures to experience together. She is too significant to him, as he clearly gets a real buzz from being her KISA and is actively investing in that. As his deception has been going on since last year, I would call this a double life. If he is this far down the EA path, it’s doubtful that he will actually cut it off, even if he pays lip service to doing so.

Unfortunately this is exactly how it started between my exH and his now wife who worked together.
He didn’t initially keep it secret but then did eg them going to the cinema together when they were both working away.
I am not saying it will go this way with your DH but the fact he’s kept it a secret makes me feel like it would have done (and may still). I hope you’ve nipped it in the bud early.
Everyone who is saying that he should be able to have female friends are not wrong but hiding things is very different. If he’d been honest and open about everything so far then that’s a bit different (but still perhaps a little worrying).

This is how my relationship started. I think you need to be careful and put boundaries in place.

Since there's just the two of you, and everyone else feels differently, it's more likely that your ideas are the abnormal ones.

You set up some nice things to do with him.

I'm a bloke, and I'm sure if you were having one on one lunches with a male colleague, then I'm sure your fella wouldn't like. Just ask him how he would feel if you were doing it.

@beenwhereyouare ha ha- yep - maybe their idea of 'normal' clearly isn't the majority view-

I actually was very open minded on friendships until about 10 years ago but getting to 62 I've seen far too many situations of friendships that became more than that - I actually do genuinely think women can have friendships that are 'just that' when there isn't an attraction , but have seen very few friendships from the male side that don't involve a degree of attraction or ego boost on the male side , or career networking - or sometimes links from Long ago - uni friends etc!! I conclude most men above a certain age can't be arsed in maintaining female friendships unless there's something in it for them

DH has no issues with me having solo lunches or a post-work drink with male colleagues. Because he also has female friends he doesn’t fall into bed with the moment they’re alone.

No, this is one of the many occasions where MN is batshit and out of step with real life. Nothing I've said here would be remotely controversial in any of my social and professional circles.

You're the kind of bloke I'm thankful I avoided.

One-on-one lunches with colleagues (male and female) are par for the course and my partner doesn't get to have an opinion on that, frankly.

There’s one-to- one lunches, and there’s planning walks to local nature parks. One is just spending your lunch hour together, the other is more like a date. One is fur business, the other is for pleasure.

Yes, there’s nothing wrong having work colleague friendships with the opposite sex. However, when the friendship strips over from friendship to emotional affair , then there’s a problem.

We get it. You and your DH are the exception to the overwhelming majority. Congratulations.

I don’t think we are, judging by people I see around in RL. I had lunch with a male colleague on Thursday, and there were several other man/woman tables eating lunch in the staff cafeteria. No one appeared to be making alluring sex faces over their sandwiches or planning to follow lunch with a quickie over the desk in their office.

I think Mn has a bee in its bonnet about men and female colleagues in the same way as it has deeply weird, entrenched ideas about it being ‘natural’ to retire opposite-sex friendships once in a relationship and the cinema being ‘date territory’. I see it as part of Mn’s a high proportion of posters who struggle with friendships and social interaction in general.

Congratulations. Not only do you have a superior marriage, you also don’t “struggle with friendships and social interaction in general,” like everyone else on MN.

”…and there were several other man/woman tables eating lunch in the staff cafeteria. ”

Eating lunch in the staff cafeteria is different to planning rendezvous in the local park. You don’t seem to get the subtle nuance or are being deliberately goad-y.

Going for a walk in a local park is not a date for heaven's sake. It's not an activity that's deemed by anyone to be for couples only. It's a bog standard activity to do with anyone whose company you enjoy. Genuinely astonished to realise I've apparently dated so many of my friends and colleagues.

I assume the posters who have a bee in their bonnet about this don't have much experience of professional workplaces, and they might not realise how their bizarre ideas can hold women back in their careers, particularly in industries where forming networks and relationships outside the office can be crucial to advancement. Sadly in many industries most senior mentor figures are still men. Young men can go for those lunches, dinners, post-work drinks, walks, sports events one-to-one and reap the benefits without a single person insinuating it might be a date. A young woman does the exact same thing, with no actual impropriety on either side, and she gets this shit.

Sigh. Because in the park or a local restaurant if I see a man and a woman eating together, unless I know one or both of them, I’m not going to know if they’re colleagues, dating or married for years. For what it’s worth, in a previous job, I did often go off campus with a male colleague from my dept for lunch, and there were other people from the university there. It’s not as though going off campus indicates some kind of underhand intent.

@TakeMeDancing, no I don’t struggle with friendships in general, unlike a significant proportion of posters on here. This is probably, in part, because I don’t discount half the human race as potential friends, or think they’re playing the long game to try to insert themselves in my knickers.

What? I work in a professional role in a large international company. Do I go out for meals with senior management? Yes. Drinks? Yes. It’s always a group of us and I’m able to make connections with my male colleagues by having 1:1 conversations in the group setting. Not once have I been on a 1:1 shopping trip, nature walk, or cinema trip with any of them.

Sigh, you just don’t get it, do you. We’re talking emotional affair territory, not platonic friendships. Theres a difference. Now I’m off to peel the spuds for my roast dinner , as can’t be bothered to engage any further.

Op - hope you’re doing okay.

OP; my husband is having an emotional affair.

Others: no he isn't don't be daft I've never had one so it just isn't a thing and also this is somehow a lot of women's faults.

How hard is it to realise that everyone isn't you? And you're just being quite bitchy now, suggesting that women don't know how to have relationships or friendships or conduct themselves in a professional setting.

We get it. You're a cool wife and a cool colleague. 👌

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I glad you've spoken to him and laid it all out so clearly for him so he knows how you feel and what your expectations are. One thing I will add though, I have a child too and I know how difficult it is to get that time together just the two of you. However, I think its vital for everyone in a relationship like this to ensure you get some alone time. Myself and my partner have date nights, always at home cause of having our son (no family near by to babysit) but we get some nice food in and watch a movie. Making that time together is really good for the relationship and for your own self emotionally too. We also try to go out if my partner is off work and our son is in school. Even if it's just a walk round the local lake. X

No doubt someone's already said this, but isn't it odd that these "friends" they're keen to "support" are so rarely male?

TBF he started off well with being open, but as so often the secrecy's increased along with the involvement and it's back to the old saying about trusting your gut