SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

I think I've got a great idea that could work for everyone hopefully! Go out for Christmas dinner. Give your poor mum a break and everyone contributes and then goes back to their own place. Would not be odd at all to suggest given that the current arrangement is a lot for your Mum.

On Christmas day?

OP if your SIL did bring several trifles, loads of cream, biscuits etc, and a gift for your mom, would you be happy for her to come?

Or is it just that you don't really want her there any more and you're focusing on these things because you'd like a good reason to tell her she's not invited?

The OP seems to hold the view that just because a single person socialises and goes to work they should have options up their sleeve for Christmas Day. That suggests a complete lack of understanding of a single person’s life.

Yes, a huge lack of understanding.

Me 😁.
Christmas Day I have cream with my cereal.

Some people do like eating out for Christmas but I can't help feeling it would be a bit sad for the mum to be returned to her house alone and with no crimbo leftovers, if up until now she's been a family Christmas at home person.

Just ask her to bring more this year and maybe say that it would be a nice gesture to buy your Mum a gift as a thank you for hosting.
Job done
That’s not so difficult is it?

Good point. Perhaps you could all return then to hers in the evening for Christmas telly/games.

Even then though I guess it solves the contribution issue but not the company issue. Because the SIL would still be there. So depends on what the real problem is for the OP, as pp have said.

What is she like the rest of the time? Would very much think of the overall picture. We have one who is chaos but overall lovely. Another that is deeply malicious and contact is minimal and will stay that way.

I think you can specify “please a dessert: enough for 14 people”.

In truth OP it sounds a little bit that you have lost sight of the spirit of Christmas.

If you didn't have your DH or other family, do you think one of your friends would invite you for Christmas? Deep down I think you know that the answer to that is no, you would be alone every year.

And I think you have always known that and that is why you have invited your SIL and looked after her in picking her up etc for so long. She is family and you have treated her as such. I have no doubt that you are a lovely person to do what you have done for so many years. It is something to be proud of infact.

Don't let life knock that kindness out of you, or lose your way. Family is family, there will be one who turns up with a small truffle (probably because they have never had to host anything and just don't get it). Families do rub each other up the wrong way sometimes. Try to find again the affection and kindness you have clearly had for this lady for now what is a significant chunk of your own life. I think if you can you will actually find the humour in things that are irritating you.

Yes! Also, not many ppl are able to empathise with long-term single ppl and the relationship they have with their parents if they are still alive. They have a partner to lean on for emotional support and love, the ppl they are pissed off with don’t. It’s all very well to say spend it with friends - but it’s not as easy as that - friends may have families and their own plans, and if they are similar ppl they may be introverts, or socially awkward and feel uncomfortable socialising so it’s not an option. Also, who wants to spend Xmas alone when they have family who want to see them and share the day?!

PP should perhaps lean it to the whole concept of the season and practise some human kindness. You never know when your own circumstances will dramatically change…

The other thing to keep in mind is that it is your DH's Christmas too, and presumably he wants to see his sister?

So much for Christmas being the time of goodwill to all men.

Being single, she clearly hasn’t learnt about catering for big families, etc, and probably does need it spelt out by your husband. She may have not thought it through and be embarrassed when he brings it up. If she then brings more dessert, will you still resent her so much? Her bringing wine and biscuits which she helps drink is surely not a problem - Christmas is not for her to sit sober and watch everyone else tuck in.

Be kind OP. She is reaching retirement age and has no parents and just one other sibling who doesn’t want her company at Christmas. Single people often go off to visit their families over Christmas and so maybe her close friends are not around to socialise with her on Christmas Day as they do during the year.

I do agree though that she should bring a personal Christmas present for your mum for hosting and should also have invited her to her birthday party. It’s unacceptable that she wouldn’t/didn’t. But do try to move on from that and remember you have a lovely family all year round who welcome all, and she has just herself and it’s only one day a year where this is an issue.

How would you feel if it were you and your brother turned round and said you weren’t welcome anymore after 23 years of what she probably thinks is a family tradition and get-together,

Believe me she wouldn't be on her own!
She would probably quite like that, her dream is to go away!

Then why are your family all landing on her? Host at your home instead, and let her be on her own or go away if that’s what she would like? You’re the one who seems to be causing the problem here if that is true.

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Don’t say bring a trifle and expect her to read your mind. Be specific. Say she needs to bring enough trifle to serve X number of people. Ask her to bring X number of cream servings. Otherwise, how is she supposed to know if she is bringing one of many or the only person covering sweets. If she can or can not have refrigerator space, let her know that, so she knows what kind of recipe to make and how to package it for transport.

i have a family member who does this and I never seem to guess correctly. When i ask for clarification in advance, she acts like I am stupid and should just know the answer. Her lack of precision is infuriating.

She doesn't want to come to my house, she doesn't feel safe going up and down the drive - I have asked her

He is more than welcome to go and see her, apart from last Christmas, he has seen her once this year!

Do you or DH have any love or affection for this woman? I presume you do after 23 Christmases together?

Sadly, I disagree with your husband, it is very much his problem and one he should nip in the bud before it explodes.

He only needs to re-affirm the standing invitation, and that she needs to provide trifle for x people and drive the message nicely home - no big issue.

If she is being chauffeur driven, she can't use lack of transport as an excuse. If she then fails to comply he needs to tell her its disrespectful.

Not sure how to answer this, she is my SIL, related by marriage only, without that we have nothing in common really.
I wouldn't wish her ill but we aren't close, we are polite, we chat etc.

Fair enough. And your DH?

Yes she is being rude, you can be kind and all that and obviously wouldnt exclude her......but she isn't being very kind or thoughtful. You can spend years including someone and the generosity is not reciprocated in my experience..

Apparently SIL doesnt have the social skills to know how to bring enough dessert for 14 people but then seemingly does have all the skills to socialise with her friends etc.and throw herself a gathering...hmmm ?
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This year be really specific and say you are sharing all the catering and give out specific jobs/quantities. If you don't get firm nothing changes.

They aren't particularly close no. Wouldn't see each other struggle etc, but no they aren't close. They communicate by text etc and are there if necessary.