SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

OP, i can well understand your annoyance.
I think it was extremely passive of you to allow her to not invite your mother when she has Christmas with her regularly.
That really is on you.
As for your husband, he is extremely rude to have not pulled his sister aside and pointed this out.

Your poor mum, she is very patient.

I like cheap little nasty trifles in plastic pots from Asda 🫤

No they (the hosts supplying everything) really don't. The host provides the venue and if they provide some of the food that's a bonus.

I've been going to my SiL's (with her blessing) and we contribute to the mains, sides, drink and lots of other nibbles. She provides the turkey but we help with the costs.

If she was expected to pay for food for all of us along with her own family, I don't think we'd be going on a regular basis to hers for Christmas.

That's the way it works in your family which, again, it's a perfectly fine and reasonable way to do things.

But usually if you go to someone's house for dinner, they... provide the dinner.

@BarbaraHoward - usually, during the rest of the year, I'd probably agree with you but I'd still bring wine and perhaps a cake for the host (which could double as a dessert). The OP's SiL isn't doing that. Not even close.

Exactly this. If I had spent Christmas in the same way for 20+ years I probably wouldn’t expect it to change.

If she isn’t bringing enough - use your words and say so. ‘There will be 14 of us, please bring 3 trifles, two pots of cream and a cheeseboard.’ Atm you just say ‘Bring trifle’ and she does.

If you don’t want to host say ‘we’d like to do something different this year, can we see you at new year/on Boxing Day/whatever instead’.

honestly I think it’s quite mad to complain about something you’ve done nothing to question or change 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes she definitely should be bringing a present.

I agree with this - I don't REALLY understand what you’re annoyed about.

She’s your DHs sister, 23 years worth of Christmas together….

but you are right about the trifle - there needs to be enough for everyone!

This is the correct advice for the food!

God OP ! You have been too nice. Ditch SIL, she is probably thinks she is doing you a favour. I cannot believe -

she is picked up and taken back.
she doesn’t provide enough wine or food to share
she doesn’t get your mum the host a present.
she didn’t invite your mum to her bd party.

she is a taker.

say this year ‘sil - oh next year I assume you’ll want a change, so why don’t you make your own plans. We’re not sure what we will be doing’

also your DH is spineless twit.

This This This!
She is a taker.
Your poor mum!

If you don’t say something now you’ll be hosting her when your mother dies.

BUT why don’t you give the job of telling her exactly what to bring to your DH? Why is it your job?

And for all the people saying ‘poor SIL, you have no idea how tragic it is to be all alone by yourself, lonely and crying for Christmas Day’, the situation has only arisen because she’s a leech, taking and taking year after year, and never giving. Are you all suggesting she’s actually a bit thick and doesn’t understand basic social niceties? That’s a bit harsh of you all 😂. I think I’d give her a bit more credit than that. She knows what she’s doing. Or, more accurately, she knows what she’s not doing.

To what gain?

You think she would really mind picking up a other trifle and thinks she is "getting away with it" by only buying the one. I think it's easy to read in maliciousness to a situation when there is none, and instead people are most often just clumsy or misunderstand an ask or expectation.

I don't think she wakes up on Christmas morning and says today watch me get a Christmas dinner and day with my family for the cost of only one bottle of wine and a trifle mwhahaha (evil laugh 😈) 😂

On the gift front, does she buy gifts for everyone else there but not your Mum?

If you read the updates, the SIL and OP's brother have seen each other once this year aside from last Christmas. She says the siblings are not particularly close.

The OP's mother is now doing Christmas and has said that she feels hosting SIL is very one sided. Of course she would think that when the SIL invited all her family and friends to her birthday dinner but didn't invite the OP's mother. Not quite the lonely spinster clutching at family time that you are portraying. The OP has stated several times SIL would NOT be alone, she has a wide social circle, works and holidays with friends.

It seems to be convenient for the SIL to be picked up dropped off, drink her own wine, fill her boots and have the temerity to feel her contribution to the day was a trifle and possibly a packet of biscuits.

The OP needs to stop this - clearly her mother is fed up with this extra guest. I wouldn't like it. The OP's DH should have a word. He doesn't have to be mean - 'OP's mum is wanting a quieter Christmas and is scaling back the numbers, perhaps we can meet up for a lunch sometime between Christmas and New Year'

And does everyone buy her a gift?

The children are all older now, youngest is 17

One thing I’m adamant about is having a Christmas my kids enjoy. I’ve realised that the christmases we want to recreate are the good times we had as a kid. I don’t want my children associating Christmas with having to suck up a crap Christmas Day just to suit others.

I know my DC will want to do their own thing, but I also hope they might want to come to my house sometimes because we have a swinging Christmas and not one sacrificed to appease difficult people.

I honestly can’t believe you’ve let that tradition go on for 23 years. I would have pulled the plug on the driving very early on. The family princess trick really has a use-by date, and that’s when the next gen little ones come along. She must know she does bare minimum with contributions. She should expect nothing more than the same in return. She is shouldn’t complain if that’s what she receives. She gives a crap bottle of wine - that’s what she should receive.

OP, put your mum first and cancel your SIL. You can blame your mum's age if you want (smaller Christmas) but if I were you I'd say she was very hurt at not being invited to the birthday celebration when she (SIL) has been invited to over twenty Christmas celebrations. She needs to know how hurtful her behaviour is.

Sorry, but this is daft.
Why not just open your mouth and ask her?!
I know it sounds like it's a no brainer to bring enough dessert for everyone, but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt that she just didn't think the first time and thought you meant bring your own pudding - then as you've meekly sat there and said nothing over the years about how much she brings, and quietly huffing instead, she thought that was OK?!
You don't have to be rude about it, just say something like "can you bring the trifle please, could you bring enough for 14 though if that's Ok?" and see what she says.

But why on earth would she spend Christmas with a friend when she has family who without fail ask her to spend Christmas with them?

I am trying to imagine how I would transport enough trifle for 14 people? Does she come by car - is there even enough room in her fridge? Maybe change it this year and ask her to bring 6 bottles of Prosecco or different cheeses for a cheeseboard, or a very large Christmas pudding and mince pies. Be quite specific about the amounts.

No that's not right at all. Never heard of anyone eating all that pudding on Christmas day. It should be Christmas pudding, Christmas cake, mince pies . Plus a few quality streets.

I mean who on earth eats cheesecake on Christmas day??

She's probably socially inept rather than tight. As a single woman it's easy to underestimate the amounts needed for large groups with men who eat a lot. She probably thinks bringing trifle for 6 and eating 1 portion or bringing a bottle of wine and drinking some herself is fine. Presumably she doesn't eat all the biscuits either. And in proportion it is probably fine. You're bringing meat for 17 but you're contributing on behalf of 4 adults (and as there's a man in your group they probably eat twice as much ). Your brother's bringing starters for 17 on behalf of another 4 adults. So if it were in proportion , she needs to bring pudding for a quarter of the total number of people. Be more specific if you want more - she will probably be glad of the direction. But I don't think she's necessarily tight.

If you went out for a meal would you expect to split the bill by family with her paying the same as you, your husband and 2 kids?

I think single women get a raw deal.

"I mean who on earth eats cheesecake on Christmas day??"

@DinosaurMunch mmm. Thanks for the idea!