SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

So nobody wants her there but you keep inviting her.

You "wouldn't see her on her own" but you still don't want her there either.

You are annoyed by her meagre offerings but won't say anything to her.

You will continue to bitch about it whilst plotting escape plans rather than facing the issue head-on.

Your choice.

I can't stand people like this.
I would point out that my mum is being very generous to host her and can't do everything so could she help by ensuring her contribution is enough for the whole gathering.
I hope she brings a gift for your mum too. Your mum has absolutely no obligation to her.

How about a nice text

’SiL just a gentle reminder if you wouldn’t mind can you make sure there is enough of your Xmas dessert to go around all of us’ looking forward to seeing you there …….

And this is not ops fault - it’s not her job to go around telling people they’re being tight and mean spirited!

I certainly wouldn’t be giving her a lift both ways either!

It does sound then that DH would want to invite her/not want her all alone at Christmas?

This thread makes me feel quite upset. How sad to think you can be uninvited over a triffle and infact invited for 23 years to a place you have never been wanted. Poor SIL. The hope for you and everyone OP is of course that you are always surrounded by family and never have to face the reality of a Christmas alone yourself, but if for any reason you aren't and you have to rely on someone's kind invitation I wonder if these thoughts may return to you.

Wow. Trifle for 14?! You guys need to rethink deserts. Not everyone likes trifle. On Christmas Day there should be at least three, preferably four deserts for that many. Christmas pudding, a chocolate desert- possibly mouse, a cheesecake or pie, any family specialties, pavlova and trifle (if you must.) Then they're all brought back out for the evening clear up nibbles.

Like some others have said, this thread has made me feel sad. I feel sorry for your SIL and feel you have little understanding of what it's like to be single at Christmas. I'm single, and even though I have friends and love socialising, my friends spend Christmas with their own families. Your brother is presumably your SIL's closest relative, she's spent Christmas with him (and you and your family) for years, and you say she's not unpleasant - why would she think she has to find something else to do? I imagine she'd be really upset to read this thread.

As for the trifle - if I was asked to bring a trifle, I'd bring one trifle. I'd assume others had also been asked to bring desserts, and I'd imagine if I turned up with three huge trifles that needed to be put in the fridge, people would think that was quite inconsiderate. I hate stinginess, and if I was asked to bring, say, three big trifles, several bottles of wine, cheese, chocolates, etc, I'd be more than happy to do so. Perhaps your SIL would too?

Re not inviting your mum to her birthday celebration, I like my sibling's MIL but wouldn't think of inviting her to a birthday celebration, any more than she'd invite me to hers. It's hard to say if this is unreasonable without knowing the dynamics of your family.

The one thing I'd do differently to your SIL is that I'd definitely bring a present for your mum, and I'd offer to bring wine or other things as well as the trifle you asked me to bring. I think your SIL needs to do this too, and others have come up with good wording for how your DH can approach this. If she refuses to bring more than a single trifle, then you have more of a problem.

FFS, its just an example, not a bloody directive, written in the blood of a virgin!

But still after all these posts it is entirely unclear how the request/expectation has been put to her and what other desserts are there.

Like others if I was asked to bring a trifle I would bring a trifle. If I turned up with said trifle and there were other options as I'd expect then I would have no idea I had under provided. If I was asked to provide dessert for 14 I would bring 3 different things.

Nobody can say if your resentment about the one trifle is reasonable or not because you're not saying exactly what she has been asked and how what she provides stacks up against other options.

She doesn't even give your Mum a present after hosting her for 23 years!!

Step back, offer the invitation but do nothing to get her there or back. No lifts, nothing to make it super convenient to turn up and eat and drink all round her with no appreciation of being hosted year after feckin year ffs.

For those super focused on the trifle, it's not about the bloody trifle.

I dunno. The trifle needs context.

It does sound like every year for donks, 14 people have shared one trifle between them. And nobody has either bothered to say, after year 1, "Can you bring enough trifle for everyone this time?"

😂

You really do have the perfect get out clause giving that your mum hosts her at home for the last X amount of years and your SIL did not invite your mother to her big birthday dinner out. You tell SIL that your mother was a surprised not have received an invite given that she has hosted you for X amount of years and she has assumed SIL no longer wants to spend Christmas in her home.

I think she's a bit of a freeloader - all arrangements taken care of - picked up and dropped off all for the grand price and a bottle of wine (which she will drink) and a tub of cream, packet of biscuits and a trifle.

Bloody cheeky.

Maybe it's not a case of who's right or wrong but a sign that you need to have a shake up of what you do on Christmas day.

I agree with this. I think that the treatment of her mum is what bothers OP the most, not the trifle. OP's mum has hosted OP's SIL for 23 years and SIL never buys her a Christmas present or a gift for hosting. The lack of an invitation for OP's mum to SIL's big birthday dinner was the icing on the cake for OP.

OP said that SIL invited all her family and friends, so it seems that she only thinks of OP's mum as family when she expects (and gets) an invite to Christmas dinner every year.

I go to a christmas event every year which I am always asked to bring a dessert to. There are about 20 people. They would think I had lost my mind if I brought enough dessert for everyone - several of us bring dessert so I make enough for 10 - 12. Are there any other desserts? Is it possible she thinks her contributions are some of many? She may work and have friends, but Christmas can be very lonely when you are single.

I agree with all the previous posters saying the real issue is the lack of giving a proper Christmas gift to the OP’s mother which is not acceptable.

However, my reason for the fixation on the trifle is I think the 4 households coming together may run something along the lines of:

1. SIL - one adult
2. Couple & 2 grown-up children
3. Couple & 2 grown-up children
4. Couple & 2 grown-up children

• OP’s mum = 14

And the expectation of how the catering has been allocated is:

1. Puddings
2. Meat
3. Veg
4. Starters

And everyone provides their own drinks.

If this (heavily assumed) scenario is vaguely accurate, I don’t think it is equitable. And if was a single person coming to a gathering of 13 other adults, I wouldn’t pick up on this expectation unless it was spelled out to me.

I absolutely would bring proper gifts and wine to share and a dessert. But I wouldn’t think the catering was being split per household and that I was responsible for all the puddings.

Apologies to OP if I have misinterpreted the scenario!

It sounds to me like a sister spending Christmas with her family - her own brother and sister in law. The idea that this happy gathering of 13 other people who always spend their Christmases together as a family would be quite content to see her spend Christmas on her own is very sad. I feel sorry for her, even if she hasn’t picked up on the telepathic messages about the paucity of her desserts. She should be bringing a gift for the host, if everyone else does, but otherwise I can’t see what she’s done wrong, other than to feel part of a family which clearly doesn’t see her as one of them.

My xSIL was a nightmare at Xmas. The catering was always shared between those attending, but xSIL was very vocal about the menu in the planning stage but when asked to contribute would always argue that as a single person life was much tougher despite earning a good salary and living frugally, and therefore splitting the cost per person was unfair. If she was challenged or told to cough up she would flounce off claiming she had received an invite from friends who didn't expect a contribution.

On Xmas day she would rock up and eat very well and be after any leftovers to take home. She would make a show of having brought a tub of sweets or nibbles but went ballistic if anyone helped themselves to what she had bought.

As a family they just let her get away with it. So glad I don't have to be involved with it anymore.

OP, your dh needs to man up and tell his DS to stop embarrassing him by behaving so rudely to your family. Give her a specific list of items to bring and make it clear that if this year is a repeat of previous years there won't be any more invitations

Yes, I was thinking on similar lines. Especially given how disproportionately more expensive general living is on one’s own.

It's not only the contributions

Normal politeness means you take some kind of gift to the host or send flowers after

I think her behaviour is appalling

I think you need to take responsibility for your feelings of resentment at her stinginess, and also for your mum’s feelings that she’s being taken for a ride (seeing as your SIL is in her life because of you).

Speak up! Your SIL has been doing the same thing for 23 years, she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong, you’ve never said anything. You’re just quietly seething.

Tell her next week that your mum
is getting on, hosting is becoming more of a challenge, she (SIL) needs to pick up more of the slack just like the rest of you are. Give her a list, remind her there are 14 people.

If I were you, I’d also be dropping a heavy hint that a Xmas gift for your mum wouldn’t go amiss!

If SIL feels part of a family that includes OP's mum, when she invited all her family and friends to her birthday celebration, why wouldn't she include the OP's mum? The paucity of her desserts is a practical matter, the excluding OP's mum from her birthday event is a more emotional issue for the OP.

I think it depends on the vibe of the event. Personally, I don’t mix family and friends, but I don’t live close to family or in laws. My own SIL recently turned 60 and did a series of different parties for different groups. We, as family, weren’t invited to her friends party, which was fine.

Clearly, the OP sees it as a snub though, which is valid.

See, if you asked me to bring a trifle I'd make one. Christmas isn't the time to eat cheap nasty little trifles in plastic pots from Asda. But the one I made would probably serve eight, not four.

But I couldn't be at someone's house on Christmas day without bringing gifts for everyone there.