SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

I'd rather die than be forced to eat trifle

I love trifle 😂

Me too - especially a good sherry trifle - hic!

Read all your updates - as you say she's generally an OK person, I would suggest considering it from a different perspective (and not the poor old single woman perspective that ppl have been suggesting). When she's brought just 1 trifle (or whatever), year after year, I'm presuming you didn't split it between 14 people, and that there were other desserts. Your mum might have kept buying these as back up, as SIL couldn't be depended on to bring enough... but SIL would have seen "there's always plenty of dessert, if I bring more it won't be needed!" Viscious cycle.

I do agree after so many years she might have stepped up her game a bit, but as 1 of 14, clearly an outsider, it can be hard to see your place clearly.

I think I'd be annoyed about her lack of the bday invite to your mum too. Would be interesting to know.how she perceives your mum.

Most of all, I would be curious to know what calibre of biscuits she is offering! It all hinges on that really.

I wouldn’t assume that if I were her. I’d assume that there would be other desserts and the trifle was just one option. So if you mean for her to provide the whole dessert course, say so.

From her point of view she spends Christmas with her brother and his wife — and his wife’s family. It’s unusual in that it’s her brother’s wife’s mother who hosts.

I’m curious as to why the MIL (when she was alive) and SIL never did their own Christmas or offer to host OP and family. But some people are just quite passive, particularly after a major bereavement, and if there was a standing invitation to join another family to whom you are connected by marriage why wouldn’t you fall in with that.

They should have been gracious and generous guests though.

Who are the other people attending, and who are they to each other? Eg your mum, her daughter (you), and…..

I might have missed this somewhere tbh.

If some one said bring a pudding I'd assume they meant I'm bringing one amd others will be provided. If I was asked to do a course I'd assume I was catering for all.

Tell her she's not invited

Il with you OP

If i were here, id take myself off on a lovely holiday/cruise

At very least, id bring plenty of goodies and be very happy to contribute

I think that you're pissed off because she didn't invite your mum to her birthday dinner after all these years of accommodating her. I would feel the same as you, and have to tell her outright despite the consequences selfish bitch and no I wouldn't take her to your mums again ever.

I think you've been very kind for a long time, but she hasn't particularly gone out of her way to show her appreciation for this, so I can understand its a bit irritating, especially the very stingy contributions.

Maybe you could talk to her after Christmas and see what she wants to do for the following xmas? You can always meet up with her just before or just after Xmas, maybe she'd like to go away for Xmas now that her mum's gone.

I think you should mention the thing about her not inviting your mum. It was thoughtless. It could be the time to suggest that as your mum has been hosting her for xmas for decades that she ought to bring your mum a little gift as a thankyou.

It feels like she's one of those people who take other people hosting for granted but are too lazy to return the favour. She's not a child, she's an independent, working 60 year old, so she should know the ropes by now.

My SIL has spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my husband and I for 18 years. Usually Christmas Day at ours and then Boxing Day at my parents. My parents spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day with us too. Yes, my SIL has another sister and brother, but always comes to us. Last year my parents didn't want to cook Boxing Day dinner (they are in their 80's) and invited as all to a restaurant, which they paid for, including my SIL. The same is happening this year. I doubt your SIL has any idea that now her Mum has passed away, you don't really want her coming to Christmas dinner at your Mum's. I would think she would be upset to think you and her brother no longer want her. You and your husband need to be on the same page, and he should be the one to tell her. It's a bit late for this year though. The food side, be very specific with your instructions and she definitely should be buying your Mum a gift. My SIL always buys both my parents a present and she contributes either money or food on the day at our house.

The person who said Christmas is a tricky time is right! Remember that being single at Christmas may not be easy, even if she does have lots of friends. She
may feel it's right to be with family at Christmas - which means her brother - especially when that's always been the case. It would be hurtful to change that now.
Obviously ask her to bring more trifle / dessert / cheese / wine / whatever - she needs to have it spelled out for her.

I'd be tempted to say, my mum was hurt she wasn't invited to your birthday meal, so has decided not to invite you to her house at Christmas. Wonder if it'd click then 🤔

And she purposefully didn't invite your mum on the get together - yes she's ooo and I'd tell her!

Also like everyone else, be clear what she needs to bring. What an AH she is!

This year give her a shopping list so everyone contributes fairly to your Christmas dinner. Be specific. She sounds like a tight wad
Next year go away to break the habit

Tbf, if I was asked to bring a trifle to a Christmas gathering I would do just that. Bring a trifle. If I knew there would be 14 people, I’d make it a large one, but I wouldn’t agonise over making sure there was enough for every person to stuff themselves with trifle, because I’d think it was a contribution and that there would be other puddings.

Unless I knew from experience of course that it wouldn’t be enough.

I think some people on here must be thinking about tiny trifles. The ones my mum used to do for family christmases would feed 14 people.

Exactly, if the OP hasn't said anything all these years, and not piped up, surely the SIL might just think that's OK?
That she was just supposed to bring a dessert like asked? Sounds like a misunderstanding to me but the OP has just let it fester instead of clarifying with her.

Op I completely understand, she could at least bring your DM a gift. I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time on here.

I can imagine her turning down invitations "Oh I'd love to but my brother and his wife simply love having me with them, I can't let them down" 😆

Def send her a message and say just to remind you that there are 14 of us so you might want to think about doing 2 of your lovely trifles as everyone is sure to want some!
And at some point over the holiday, in a very friendly, chatty way, say "we don't want you to think that you have to join us every Christmas, we'd totally understand if you had other plans even though we'd have to make trifle ha ha. Maybe we can discuss later next year?"
Passive agressive...... 😈

Christmas is, for most people, about family. She probably enjoys spending the day with her brother doing traditional family rituals with a larger group. Especially because this is the only occasion she meets him. I feel really sorry for your SIL, unknowingly spending a Xmas with people who are silently seething over a few extra pounds expense for hosting her. She is probably has no clue you are so offended. Just ask her for exactly what she needs to bring and stop Bitching about the poor woman.

It's about more than the trifle. It's about the way OP's SIL takes OP's mum's hosting for granted, never bringing her a gift for hosting or even a Christmas present.

Posters are saying that she obviously thinks of OP's mum as family, but when SIL had a large birthday event to which she invited all her friends and family, OP's mum didn't get an invitation.

The SIL sounds like a user and OP has had enough.

@Ejvd do brother and sister not see each other because of work commitments/life getting in the way or just because they have grown apart/nothing in common apart from being siblings. It seems unfair that OP’s mum has to facilitate their once a year meet up