To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

As opposed to the curent shit relationship which revolves around DH's wishes at the expense of the OP's wellbeing.

He isn't just taking himself to bed - he is turning off the TV and restricting what the OP can do as well. OP is also doing all the night shifts.

Nine hours simply to function is on the outer end of normal - I'd check for any other conditions. I'd also point out (as some PPs have said) that most people adapt to a more normal number of hours when they have to, notably women with small children adapt to broken nights (as per OP) and slightly less hours overall.

OP - worth checking out for any health conditions as some, such as apnoea, do not always come with stereotyped symptoms.

YABU @NightFeeds .

I need 8-9 hours - preferably with no more than 1 wee in the night. I usually sleep 11pm to 8am or midnight to 9am if I'm off work. Often 9 hours, sometimes 8 to 8 and a half.. 7 hours or less and I am fatigued and lethargic ALL DAY. I don't wake up more/perk up as the day goes on, it ruins my day if I don't get a decent sleep.

I wasn't this bad pre age 45-50, but I have been since my early 50s now. (nearly 60 now...) This is why I don't get how people cope when they have babies at an older age (like mid 40s.) How on earth do they find the energy for toddlers/ infant and junior age children. I couldn't be arsed! 😬

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Then you'll need to find a partner whose needs match yours, rather than expecting someone with a more flexible sleeping pattern to build their life around your needs.

Yes well this is one of the things that can and does indeed often happen.

But even if doesn’t manifest to his extreme, If someone feels they constantly has to pick up the slack or tailor their lives to meet their partners bedtime it can cause resentment as multiple people on this thread have expressed.

Marriage and choosing a partner isn’t an “equal opportunity” venture, you are allowed to “discriminate” for any reason you find important.

I would not choose to marry my partner if he was like that and that’s ok. There is someone for everyone.

I need 9 hours but often wake up for an hour in the middle of the night.

I take your point more broadly but she isn't complaining about that and hasn't indicated he is a bad parent. It is possible for for him to not do any night wake-ups and still parent equally. Me and my DP don't do 50% of every task but we parent equally. I might do all or most of one thing and he might do all or most of something else but I don't feel hard done by because I know we are both contributing.

I would just enjoy the quiet evening if he goes to bed at 9:30 and you can watch whatever you want on TV!

Maybe he could be agree to stay up a bit later at the weekend? Have Saturday as date night?

I guess I just feel insanely jealous.

for a year or two I survived on 5-6 hours or less. It feels luxurious for someone to expect more than 8 hours. What I would have done for that.

i realise my own experience is clouding my judgement

Yeah YANBU op, he’s not a baby why does he need so much sleep?! How does he manage when you go for nights out and that kind of thing? @NightFeeds

And what about if you love them deeply, want children with them, and they are good people?! How can you judge someone on the amount of sleep they need. They are not machines, they are human beings, We are told to be tolerant in the modern world, so tolerance begins at home with your partner.

Tolerance doesn't mean accepting selfish behaviour, though. I'm sure lots of people would love nine hours of uninterrupted sleep every night but unfortunately that's not very compatible with being a parent.

Any grown adult who thinks their sleep takes priority over raising their kids needs a kick up the arse, frankly.

9 hours = going to bed at 10 and waking at 7, that's not abnornal? Especially if they are perhaps active?

I used to be amazing on not very much sleep- did great work during all nighters, managed to survive a crap sleeper and full on job… however, now my children are a bit older I can’t do it anymore. I really struggle now when I don’t get at least 7-8 hours but I also get headaches triggered by night waking. It’s been quite an adjustment to realise I need to prioritise sleep more to stay well. In some ways your husband is doing a sensible thing but it will be much harder to sustain that as your children get older. My 8 year old is rarely asleep before 9 - partly she’s wired that way as a night owl but she’s also got activities, homework etc and even my 5yos bedtime has stretched from 7 to closer to 8.

OP, does your husband do a manual job? Or work long shifts?

I should be so lucky. Im far too busy to sleep for 9 hours. I get 6 at the most. When I was a single mum I worked 12 hour day shifts and there was no way I was getting more than 5 hours sleep unless I wanted to neglect DS.
Your DH sounds rather inflexible and I wonder if he needs a blood test to check all his levels. It sounds suspiciously like he might be lacking in something.

i can 'function' on 3 hours.

I usually get 5-6 on a good night

Ideally 7+ would be marvellous, but very rare.

ADHD with delayed sleep phase syndrome and also an Autism Mom, so often have to function on 3hrs sleep if my son is up/about.

This is complete nonsense.

I don’t manage fine. I feel ill with less sleep and don’t think nine hours is that much tbh! Just because your body could adjust, doesn’t mean everyone can!

Right, but when you have children you can't just ignore them, stick a pair of earplugs in and let them scream - you have to get up and parent.

So yes, of course you'd adjust if you had no choice - you might feel tired or unwell or drowsy but that's parenting. You can't just opt out and dump it all on your partner because you'd rather have a full nights sleep.

Supporting your partner, not your pervert 😂

Maybe I need more sleep!

The main source of frustration for me is DH acts like he wants downtime he will ask for dessert or a glass of wine and pop the TV on and I will be lulled into chilling out and then 10 minutes later he will snap it off and be like “bedtime!”. Feels like a waste of money and calories to have a treat just to gobble it and fall asleep near instantly afterwards. I think I will learn to sit these out and just go read a book elsewhere or something.“

yeah I wouldn’t like this either OP. Bit of an ick tbh…

And what about your partner, if you have one?

How do you manage a social life/watch a late film ? I wonder what would happen if you too needed all this sleep ,As my Cousin said "Plenty of time to sleep when youre dead!

Surely this is less about how much sleep he wants and more about him switching off the TV so he can go to bed at 9 and making some big deal about how precious his sleep is?

A normal person would say “OK love, I’m off to bed, good night” and leave her to continue her evening however she wanted. Or maybe every now and again throw caution to the wind and say “Yes, let’s watch the latest episode of Line of Duty, won’t finish till 9:45 but I’ll manage”.

Or maybe even get caught up in a nice chat with his wife and not even realise it’s past his bedtime..

He sounds dictatorial, inflexible and dull.

We don't. Its a nuisance but sleep takes priority because being extremely tired is as unpleasant as being unwell. I sleep 9+ hours and it really limits my ability to enjoy evening activities. The kids want to go to clubs but they don't finish until 8pm which is just far too late for us when we need to get up at 6:30am for school.

Tbh i dont think its common to expect to relax with a glass of wine in front of the tv for any length of time midweek. When you have to be up at 6.15 its actually horrible having to get up when you haven't had enough sleep and arw jolted awake by an alarm.
What time do you get up OP?

haha - i'd not even noticed 😂My watch tells me I average 5hrs 45m a night at the moment; I have a BF baby who started nursery recently and has been ill for a month. I definitely need more sleep