To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

No. I need 9 hours before I can ever enjoy walking on the beach. Even with no children. Function - yes of course I'm mature. Enjoy - Unfortunately not

If your little one is in nursery, I assume you both work full-time. Do you both really need to do that financially to make ends meet. If not, is there any flexibility on either side to finish work earlier, especially thinking about picking little one up earlier and getting them relaxed/less stimulated earlier.

We don't know what he does for a living, but if it's physical that could account for it. I have two small jobs, both physical - one wears me out more than doing an exercise class. The other one I only do one day a week, but others there tell me they physically hurt after a day at work.

Same. Funny how it's always the woman who has to learn to cope on a few hours broken sleep whilst tiptoeing around their male partner not being able to cope with anything less than 8.

I use to go to bed at 10 and get up at 6. It bothered dh who didn't get up until 8 so wanted us both to stay up. Now dh gets up at 530 so we go to bed at 930! ( I might read on my phone in bed for a bit)

I would stay downstairs if you want longer though. Enjoy free choice of telly!

I think it's normal for some people and not for others. I can survive on 6, I'd prefer more of course but with two small children in our house who tend to not sleep week, I've learned to manage on 6.

I'd be more concerned about him dictating the evening. Surely he doesn't announce bedtime and then expect you to also go to bed at the same time? It's not quality time together but is there a reason you can't continue to enjoy solo downtime in the evening with a treat/tv and then go to bed whenever you want. If he's making you go to bed at the same time then I'd have a real problem with that.

I’m in bed by 9, asleep by 10, up at 7, out the house by 8 back by 6-7.

I couldn’t cope with someone pestering me to stay up later or go to the doctors because 9 hours isn’t normal 🙄I’m a light sleeper so couldn’t take a reading light or tv on in the bedroom either.

If we’re doing something at the weekend or it’s a special occasions maybe I’ll stay up later but it doesn’t stop me being tired and “powering down” at my usual time.

No, it's not. My husband got up for a feed last night, me after. I hate how people write about men on MN

@Honestandkind

No. I need 9 hours before I can ever enjoy walking on the beach. Even with no children. Function - yes of course I'm mature. Enjoy - Unfortunately not

I'm sorry but I think this is mainly psychosomatic. I understand wanting to get 9 hours but feeling you are not enjoying life without it is something you have trained yourself to believe.

I can't believe there's an evolutionary basis for needing 9 hours a night. Primitive men and women wouldn't have had this luxury.

Pensioner is a term that covers people from 60 to over 100. You will find that the pensioners who need a nap are usually well over 75 or even 80 if they are lucky enough to get to that age!

How does he actually feel if he gets less than 9hrs? has he ever tried? does he help at all with bath/bedtime/cooking?
Does he literally sleep 9hrs or just an excuse to get out of helping.
Why should you not get 9hrs? he's took it for granted you'll wake through the night and manage in less sleep, seems very selfish.

As they say sometimes “love” just isn’t enough. It’s so important to use your judgement and consider compatibility in a variety of things before marriage especially when you’re thinking of having children.

Some women or men will be happy to pick up the slack or arrange their life to meet their partners 9pm bedtime or whatever but it’s perfectly valid that for some others that is just not acceptable to them and they would feel it’s having a negative impact on their life as a couple and on family life.

It’s about deciding if you can have a healthy and happy life together. It’s not about judging that person as a bad person or something.

Of course it’s normal, for many people. Some need 5 hours, some need 10 like me.

Sometimes I could sleep the clock round when the kids were small. I'd go to bed when they did.

Perhaps try and have one night where you do something together.

I've told you my reality. There's not much else to say

That sounds awful and it’s why I made the point upthread about people needing to consider if this is someone they can really spend their life with.

It’s a shame your mum inflicted this man on your household and equally that he didn’t have the sense and decency to know that someone with his sleep “needs” maybe wasn’t suitable to move in with a woman with kids.

Now sometimes I have two sleeps. One from 9pm-12pm on the sofa, then I go to bed and I'm awake for an hour or so, then I go off to sleep again and get up in the morning.

It's what people often did at one time.

www.bbc.com/future/article/20220107-the-lost-medieval-habit-of-biphasic-sleep

Thank you, he only moved in with us because my mum gave him an ultimatum. It's why I'm often seen giving very strong opinions on some of the threads about people moving their partners in. It's awful how many children have to put up with living with their parents' unsuitable partners although I'm aware some bio parents are terrible too.

Nine solid hours? From 9pm? And you have to go with him so you don’t ’disturb’ him?

No. That’s not normal.

Some people only need 2 hours sleep, some need 12. A lot of it is genetics.
ps it reeeeeaaaaallly sucks being a long sleeper, and not being able to have the same amount of “leisure time” as seemingly every other adult!

I don’t manage fine. I feel ill with less sleep and don’t think nine hours is that much tbh! Just because your body could adjust, doesn’t mean everyone can!

If you want to spend your life organising everything you do around a partner's needs, you do that. That's how an awful lot of the women posting about their marital problems in Relationships started out. Madly in love, unconcerned about basic compatibility and convinced he'd change. A few years later they're doing all the childcare and he's doing what suits him. If you're prepared to do that, go you. But an increasing number of women are wising up.

Nothing destroys love like incompatibility and inflexibility.

Ok, yes, that is insane and abusive. Bit different.

I think the problem is not needing so much sleep but everyone having to tiptoe around him lest the master be disturbed, and being in a mood for days because he missed out on a bit of sleep.

I love my bed but have some nights when I sleep better than others and just get on with it if I haven't slept well.

I totally understand that viewpoint!

My mum was a single parent and seeing how some of my friends struggled with their stepparents, I was always very glad she never had any men over /moved any men in (aside from platonic friends and relatives).

@Icanttakethisanymore except it is to do with his parenting because he's opting out of every single night waking, and his rigidity means that they never get any evening time together.

If you choose to share your life with someone and start a family with them, you can't just carry on as though you were single with no responsibilities. Part of being a good parent is also supporting your pervert and not just opting out to sleep every night.