To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

Hi all,
Thanks.
To answer some questions.

He has always needed quite a bit of sleep but the need does appear to have increased.
He does go to sleep pretty much straight away.
He can stay up later sometimes at weekends, it seems to vary a lot depending on what we are doing.
He does not like it if I come to bed later than him as it disturbs him.

He works compressed hours 4 days a week and it impacts him most on the nights before these long shifts.

I also work compressed hours 4 days a week with a different day off.

His days are longer than mine due to a commute. My days involve nursery pick up and drop off and cooking dinner as well as working from home so that makes it about equal, plus I make up a few hours a week of work over the weekend or over one night in the week.

From what I have read I am going to take it at face value that his sleep needs are genuine and I am going to try to make a clearer distinction between the work evenings and the weekend in terms of my expectations.

I am also going to sit down with him and try to agree a best use of my time when I do not want to go to bed, which is not disruptive to him but also is fair to me. I end up going to bed and lying awake reading my phone (which is too bright for him anyway) and feeling utterly despondent most nights and it’s got to change.

You haven’t said if his work is in a safety-critical environment?

A lot more people should be prioritising their sleep, it’s so important for your health.

But that doesn't mean that one persons' sleep shouldn't take priority over absolutely everything else.

Yes, sleep is important but when you choose to be in a partnership and choose to become a parent, you can't just carry on as you were before. You have to get up with your kids and focus on your partner too, you can't just sod off to bed whenever you feel like it.

9 hours of sleep seems excessive to me. Granted, I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum and can happily go about my day on 3 - 4, but 9 hours is a lot. Once in a blue moon is obviously one thing, but regularly? DH is like me. 9pm is early evening and sometimes we're only just finishing dinner or getting back from clubs/hobbies.

I've known a few people who go to bed at this time and then they've complained about their social life, and why can't we do daytime activities, etc. Well...because most people are busy of a day with family, work, etc.! It's not as though those events are ongoing until 3am, but I can't imagine turning down dinner and drinks because they begin at 7pm and go on until 10 or 11.

Everyone has different sleep needs, but I'd wonder if someone who needs that much sleep that regularly doesn't have some other kind of problem. The fact you have to go to bed with him and can't even read or use your phone as it disturbs him is just madness. He's ruling your life because of his own sleep issues!

Some people need more sleep than others and because of this, you sound like you are intolerant of your husbands need for sleep. If he needs 9 hours sleep to function then that is what your DH needs.

Some people only need a small amount of sleep and can function well and you may need less sleep than your DH but don't give him a hard time over it, its not his fault. There is likely to be nothing wrong with him and it could be linked to his circadian rythms.........some people can hallucinate if they are deprived of sleep and can struggle to function normally.

They need long sleeps too - not just me. Its crap and life would be more fulfilling if we could function on less sleep but its not a choice - just biology. I don't agree that my kids should push through the pain barrier to be at clubs until 8pm, not get off to sleep until 9.30pm and then need to be up at 6.30am for school feeling exhausted. Sleep is important for your mind, body and immune system. Again not a choice.

@NightFeedsHe does not like it if I come to bed later than him as it disturbs him

So you have to do all the night shifts and you have to go to bed at the same time which will be affecting your sleep? If you are a shorter sleeper there is nothing worse than mandatory early bedtimes.

This is really not reasonable. If he both needs so much sleep and is so sensitive then he should at least be willing to try out some standard sleep hygiene trials to ensure he is actually getting real sleep and if that doesn't help I would also check for apnoea.

Long "normal" sleep, struggling to manage after even one bad night (and especially if its worsened over the years) can all be symptoms of apnoea. If it is apnoea, that will be the reason he needs more sleep than he used to and it can be treated.

Sorry did not mean to quote entire post!

Oh come on, the odd disturbed night or late night does not cause hallucinations. It takes prolonged total sleep deprivation to trigger hallucinations even in people at the outer range.

Where is the tolerance for the OP doing all the night shifts and being mandated an early bed time with lights out (which is going to cause its own problems in a short sleeper)?

YABU. Some people need 9, some are fine with 7 or 8, neither is strange scientifically or medically speaking. While a few amazing people do fine on even less than 7, they are definitely the rare ones (but the lucky ones when raising young children).

Since presumably you both agreed to children, YANBU to insist he does his fair share, even at night if needed- but to expect he would find it as easy as someone who needs less sleep, or to expect him not to be dozy the next day is unreasonable, as he won’t be able to help it.

Just like some people manage on less food than others, sleep is similar in that we are all different. And just like starvation is torture, so is sleep deprivation. I’m afraid I’m similar to your husband so I have a lot of sympathy for him - I’d love to be someone who could function well on less sleep!

I think that’s a sensible outcome. He goes to bed when he wants, and so do you.

It really is controlling when someone is insisting you go to bed the same time as them on the regular.

7-9 hours is considered normal for a healthy adult. My DH is asleep by 10.30 and needs 8 hours. We eat as a family, watch something all together, then DH & I watch one episode of something. I go to bed later & tidy up, have a bath etc. Works for us but he needs to listen to your needs too. Also depends on age of kids I guess, we have teens so bedtime much easier!

Why can’t you have a normal evening? Have a glass of wine and watch a series when he goes to bed. Why do have to go to bed at the same time?

Both. Its recommended for their ages that they have 10-12 hours sleep anyway. I think most kids get less than they need.

You are quite right and no, earplugs or seeking help were not a solution for him. He thought he owned his wife and children and that we were there to manage his environment for him.

But I don't mean to me-rail...I only shared it to show that I really did sympathise with the PP whose ex's desire for daytime sleep disrupted and overrode the entire family. But I think expecting everyone to suspend normal daytime life at your whim is different to going to bed early, although I can see why that's causing problems to OP.

I think we need to know what happened when the children were babies waking up all the time. I also want to know if he actually does just turn the TV off when he goes upstairs if OP is still watching...might seem minor but it's a sign that he isn't concerned with anything outside his own environment.

What about night workers and shift workers? Should only standard 9-5-ers be in relationships?

Does he snore?

Following your update, if his compressed hours mean he is home by 7pm, that's pretty normal for anyone doing a commute and working 9-5ish, 5 days a week.
He's doing a 4-day week .

Being blunt I'd be worried about his health and also his mental health as needing a lot of sleep can be signs of other issues especially as you say it's got worse. I knew someone who was always in bed by 9pm and they had a long term health issue but also mild depression.

I'd expect a healthy adult man to manage on 8 hours, so going to bed at 10pm and getting up just after 6am.

Your other option is separate bedrooms. If your finances allow, and you don't have space now, I'd seriously consider moving to accommodate his different sleep needs.

One of the other issues you have is your 3 year old not in bed before 8pm.
Mine were down and sleeping by 7pm at the latest.
Your own working hours and nursery hours are part of this time-schedule meaning your kids are around quite late for their ages.
Could you change anything there?

He works compressed hours 4 days a week and it impacts him most on the nights before these long shifts

Honestly, I'd be seeing if there's any way he can do normal hours over 5 days. Compressed hours are tough, especially if you have a commute. I can do them due to working from home but I couldn't in an office. I'd be good for nothing by the time I got home, which sounds like he is.

I think it's either that or you need to accept you won't spend any time with him on 4 to 5 nights of the week.

I think the compressed work is making him really tired! That's why I don't do it

This time of year, we’re all in bed by 9.30pm in the week. We’re up at 6am. I couldn’t function otherwise. I do have some health issues but also, I don’t want to spend the day feeling awful. It’s this time of the year too - the need to hibernate is strong!

But the thing is, his compressed hours mean he's out for the same time as most people working 5 days a week, with a commute.

I commuted for a few years and was out from 7.30am to almost 7pm , 5 days a week. That's normal for many people commuting. It's not as if he's getting home at 8pm or later.

Does he look after the kids on his day off, is that why you have different days off? Or is it just because of your different work schedules?

I'm guessing you work in some kind of industry where you don't have much flexibility over hours or the option to wfh/get another job in the same field that lets you wfh.

I’m more 8h but yes, regular good quality sleep is one of the most important things for a human being’s health and wellbeing.

Don’t understand the people that choose broken sleep and being up late for no pressing reason

Just a thought, is there any way you could sleep separately? Then you can do as you please in the week day evenings. Sleep in the same bed at the weekends?