To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

I think you have to accept that everyone is different. You can't judge everyone against yourself.

You see this time and time again on social media. Just because people haven't experienced it themselves they can't belive others experience it. Usually it's bad menopause symptoms on this website.

Does he go to gym op? If not, he needs to start

So if any of the children wake you need to do all of it yourself?

Surely he knows that isn’t fair.

I wouldn't be surprised if lifelong lack of sleep contributed to my breast cancer (though smoking to try to jolt myself awake when I was younger probably didn't help! 😄)

Sometimes I'm so knackered that I'll get scenes from my dreams intruding as I go around the house or the shops... like, just a few frames, like a film... worst case scenario: I was dreaming of Boris Johnson the night before... 😱

I have been on both sides of this issue.
i had post viral fatigue for years. Worse than just needing 9 hours sleep, but useful for comparison. I know my then partner found it sad and lonely to be alone after 9pm (or 8.30!) every night. But I honestly couldn’t help it.

fast forward several years, we now have a two year old, my husband has developed some health issues and it’s him desperate to be asleep at 9pm. Often I’m tired from being up with the toddler so that’s fine, but sometimes I would love some adult company after toddler bedtime, and I am sad that I can’t get it.
it has made me re evaluate how he felt when I was ill!

all this to say in a long winded way that it is hard, and it’s okay for it to feel hard. If you’ve ruled out other things - sleep apnea, poor sleep due to snoring or too much caffeine - and he just needs 9 hours then it would be easier for you to accept it. At the same time !!! Yes he should realise the benefit of occasionally throwing caution to the wind and staying up a bit later to do something fun together.

I can indicate he's not sleeping well overall and may be stressed or have an underlying condition.

Or he's just too used to sleeping a lot.

I used to need a solid 8 hours at week and 10 hours weekend. Since having kids I'm just more flexible- no choice.

Agree! Exercise really helped my husband have more energy.Can by gym or jogging or weight lifting etc

That sounds pretty nightmarish and completely disruptive to weekend socialising!

Was he always like that or did it gradually creep in during your relationship/marriage?

I always wonder how people end up with men (or women) like that - unless of course it’s something they’re ok with!

I am unwell on less then 10 as in I shake and can vomit. 9 hours is very mormal,

@DragonFly98

do you have an underlying health condition though?

You seem to be working on the assumption that if he would agree to get 2 hours less sleep a night everything would be fine... whereas I don't think it would. He'd be miserable and so would she, because having an extra 2 hours a day with a cranky bastard just doesn't sound worth it.

I didn't say anything about him having to hours less sleep a night, though.

I said that as a parent you can't just unilaterally decide that your need for sleep takes priority over everything else, which is what he's doing at the moment.

And honestly, if he's not mature enough to cope on less than nine hours occasionally without being a "cranky bastard" then he sounds like he needs to get a bloody grip of himself, quite frankly.

I need 7....but everyone is different.

I used to need a lot of sleep eg 9 hours when the kids were small and I was running a house and a job. Now I'm retired and with plenty of time to sleep , I manage on 6.5-7.25 hours, plus a 9 hours splurge occasionally. Annoying!

How douma ages with work kids etc if you need that much sleep?

Those of us who are sick would beg to differ.

There are many illnesses and physical or mental problems where lack of sleep will cause almost immediate problems.

If he got woken up, which he often did because he woke up if a bird coughed outside the window, he'd storm downstairs in a furious rage, pull the phone out of the socket, scream and shout, you get the idea.

This is abusive. I bet you don't do that.

I can (and do) function on a lot less than that, but not well. If I get a few days on the run of bad sleep then it takes me ages to catch up and feel ok again. I need a decent 8-9 hours to feel refreshed.

DH is competently the opposite and seems to be able to spring out of bed on barely any sleep at all. We have both always been like it, before and after kids.

I think some people are just made like that.

A lot more people should be prioritising their sleep, it’s so important for your health.

So what happened (or will happen) if you have DC? Do you just expect your partner to do all the night shifts and late evenings? What happens if you both have the expectation of undisturbed 9 hrs? Presumably the solution is to stay childfree.

Yes the normal range is approx 6-10 (actually I thought it was 9.5) but these were observational studies and self reported - not investigations into the follow on effect of the odd disturbed night. Its not normal to insist you cannot possibly cope with even one late night or disturbed night unless there is a health condition. Anyone who really can't function unless they get the outer end of that range every single night without exception should check for relevant health issues.

I'm also wondering what happened with the OP/DH were dating - how did that work if DH had to be in bed at 9pm every night?

9 hours of sleep is a luxury that very few people can have while also working, raising kids, keeping a house in order. I would love to have that much sleep, but something else would have to give. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many nights of unbroken sleep I have had the last 8 years (uncomfortable pregnancy, baby didn't sleep through until I was pregnant (and uncomfortable) with second, then toddler wanting to co-sleep, then bedwetting phase, more co-sleeping, repeat with second child...)
It does sometimes make me grumpy when it is prolonged lack of sleep, but it would irritate me if someone was mardy for days after one bad night.

That is simply abusive. Its one thing to ask the family to to make loud noise but abusing everyone in the house because an extraneous noise woke him up is the behaviour of a shit.

Had he not heard of earplugs? Did he ever consult a doctor over his exceptional sleep issues?

Normal for me, I go to bed at 10 and get up between 7 and 7.30. Not that I am asleep the entire time by any means. And if I am going into the office I am up at 5.30.

I can't see the point of trying to force someone to stay up to have an evening together if they are dead on their feet, or will be dead on their feet the following morning if they don't go to bed at a sensible time. However, you could maybe ask him to go to bed 15 minutes later and if that's ok, do another 15 minutes, and then you are getting an extra 30 minutes.

9 hours is completely inside the range of 'normal'
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/sleep
Judgemental (and wrong!) people like you are why there is a mental health crisis

So what happened (or will happen) if you have DC? Do you just expect your partner to do all the night shifts and late evenings? What happens if you both have the expectation of undisturbed 9 hrs? Presumably the solution is to stay childfree

You arrange a baby that sleeps through the night

Which is precisely why its worth him checking out for any medical conditions or trying simple sleep hygiene things such as cutting out caffeine and alcohol. If they don't work its costs nothing.
You're issues may not have had a solution but for many medical conditions resulting in abnormal sleep requirements there are solutions. Being unable to function on even the odd night with less than nine hours sleep is not normal unless there is a co-morbidity.

9 hours is quite comfortably within the range of 'normal'
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/sleep/
If this is a new thing, there might be an underlying reason, but otherwise you just need to find a way to make it work for both of you