For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

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My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

If they addressed the save the dates to you both that is rude. Otherwise, no it's not - cost is a huge issue, and even if DH is very close to the couple, if you're not also it makes sense they'd prioritise closer friends than family. I wouldn't want a wedding where half the guests were partners I hardly knew.

So why has DH not asked why you are not invited?

My guess is that the groom sees DH as one of his group of friends and he's invited his group of friends to the wedding. Despite all the people on here saying it's terribly rude not to invite both halves of a couple, inviting friends' groups without partners has been common at recent weddings I've been to. I would also say that, in at least some cases, the friends group wanted it that way (which might be why DH is not forthcoming about a reason).

Completely ridiculous and rude not to invite you, If it's a cost thing, FFS they should save and do the wedding when they can actually afford to do it properly. I can't stand such stinginess!

I had a rather sad conversation with a friend recently who said that she turned down many invitations when she was with her now ex, because his standard pattern at such events was to get very drunk, potentially embarress them both at the wedding and then be abusive towards her when they were alone.

She would have quite liked to have been invited without her spouse, but all her invitees were unfortunately of your way of thinking and wouldn't dream of it. (And she was too ashamed at this point to tell them why she wanted to come alone).

What happened to taking your budget, working out who you wanted to invite and picking your venue accordingly?

But it sounds like that’s exactly what they have done…

How does your husband feel about not being a groomsman for the man he regards as his brother?

If the wedding is too small for them to be inviting partners, it may be too small for groomsmen and a half-dozen bridesmaids.

This was my thought too - I think it’s really rude. But it sounds from other posters as though times have changed a bit and this is more of a thing these days. But it seems odd
to me to have a wedding, which is basically the most public announcement of “we are a firmly established couple” and then not respecting that your friends are also part of a couple. But it is what it is. I’d just disengage, plan my own thing and let my DH go with good grace. But I wouldn’t be treating the groom like my brother in law from now on, just as a “DH friend”.

When you said we got the save the date what did it actually say?

Of course it bloody isn't, I didn't say that. I gave an example of how numbers might shake out. To be clear, I also don't know that they have 15 family members apiece or that they all have partners or that they have 60 spaces and 10 left over. But thanks for the rude 🙄🙄 emoji to accompany your complete literal interpretation despite me using words like "assume" in the broader comment.

You seem really hyper-focused on the idea that this is all because of OP's husband's conniving. It's a huge and weird leap. No indication of it, no evidence of it, nothing to suggest their marriage isn't fine. Why the need to create suspicion out of nothing?

So the obvious and easiest logic for the decision was for the bride and groom to treat all of the groom’s friends the same and not give any of them a +1, rather than get into the potentially controversial minutiae of how long X and Y have been together, or whether the fact that P and Q have been together longer, but R and T are planning to move in together by the time of the wedding, should make a difference.

You make the point perfectly- you invited friends and partners but not those of a few months. OP and her husband are married so would have been invited under the close friends and partners bracket.

And I totally get the broadly child free thing, it's easier to have one blanket rule.

I do think OP should have been invited though and they could have both had a chance to figure out childcare.

I totally respect that couples are free to pick a gorgeous, pricey venue but I think this sort of problem comes woth the territory - weddings used to be big affairs because people would marry locally and hire out a hotel room for the evening and invite everyone for the reception, whereas now there is a shift to a smaller cast list and posher all day event and "expectations", for want of a better word, have not changed yet x

But your assumptions didn’t make any sense; the numbers were pulled out of nowhere. Call me rude all you like, but it was daft to state your assumptions as if it was some kind of “gotcha” moment.

So if the core group is 5 guys and none of the OHs are going, I don't think it's that surprising that you're not either, even if you've been around longer.

Small groups of friends that go way back tend to socialise either with all partners invited, or "no partners, just the old crew" and not really anything in between. The OHs haven't formed a friendship group of their own so the bride is probably focusing on her own social circle and the groom on his.

I get it, it can be tricky after this length of time to know where you stand in your partner's social circle - at what point do his friends also become yours etc. It really depends. I'm definitely friends with some of DP's friends now, and definitely not with others. But you don't see much of them due to distance, and only in group settings, so it's not surprising that they see you as your husband's wife rather than a friend in your own right.

Because some people like MN for the potential drama. “No partners have been invited and it’s not personal” is the simplest and most likely explanation, but it’s not as juicy as OP’s husband secretly having asked for her not to be invited.

But they haven’t invited any of the friendship group’s girlfriends/partners, from what the OP says.

And I absolutely see the logic, if you’re trying to keep numbers low. I’ve certainly been to several weddings where a tight friendship group, or a set of colleagues who are all close, have been invited as a set in themselves without +1s. Often because (as well as cutting numbers) the feeling is that they will have as good or a better time by themselves, can be sat together etc. Part of the logic of giving a guest a +1 is that, if they know no one or almost no one at the wedding, they will have someone with them as company.

I’d feel sad too. I think it’s weird not to invite spouses. Just asking for upset