To just give them what they want

[Tetherrrrrr]

I'm at the end of my tether with my children, aged 8 and 5.

Every evening ends up with them shouting and crying and complaining and slamming doors.

The reason for this is that I ask them to unpack their schoolbags, do their reading, and eat a healthy meal. While I'm cooking they have half an hour to watch the television.

And it's nothing but complaints. The older one is vegetarian so I make her a different version of the meal. I give them 'safe' foods, I try to stay neutral, I choose the food they choose the quantity etc.

But they gripe and complain and cry if i ask the slightest thing of them, and even shout sometimes, and the little one slams doors and calls me names.

I'm done. I just want to put them straight in front of the telly with a family pack of crisps and a bar of chocolate every evening and avoid the battles.

I do think that they need time to relax after school. It sounds very chore based. Quiet play fir example.

don’t beat yourself up. Just let them have an evening where they can come home and just relax.

This

Because her mum is not forcing her to eat animals when she doesn't want to.

We're on exactly the same page then, which is great. We're not really into chocolate, biscuits, or crisps but love a good healthy meal for example a salad.

Because we are adults (hopefully) so completely different perspective to a child after all day at school.

You ARE making it a chore and the opposite of what school would advise. Reading for pleasure together before bed is quite different from you’re describing here.

I applaud you for being so mindful about it all. It’s really only a timing adjust issue for all of this.

When we were children only one meal was cooked and we had to wait until our father came home and we all ate together at the table ( 1970s). If someone didn't want to eat the meal then the alternative was bowl of cereal. Nothing was said. There was no drama. No serving it up endlessly until you'd eaten it. Because you could just go and get an alternative it was rare that child did. I did the same with my children. My eldest son needed to run around outside when we got home. He found school suffocating at times and needed to burst out for a bit. Then he could do reading etc. Youngest son was quite happy to go through his word tin or a book. I was a single parent and teaching fulltime. There were so many battles to fight I had to pick which ones to bother with. The son who needed to run around is now 32 and an avid reader. The more compliant son (30) would rather decompress with a computer game.

Get them to bed earlier. Up early and reading done before breakfast.
I would not allow door slamming and name calling. Probably over tired so earlier bed time will help with this too.
Ours get homework to be done over the weekend. It is always done after school on Friday so they have the weekend free.
Agree with slow cooker for dinner.
Lunch bags and water bottles put in the kitchen rest of bag sorted in the morning with reading.
Come home. Drink. Play/tv. Dinner (tv off) and chat about everyone's day.
Bath or shower. Story. Earlier bedtime.
Up fresh and early in the morning.

This.

They have just finished full day at school and are school worked out.

Give them chance to relax in front of TV , have dinner then wind down with their books.

@AngelinaFibres If someone didn't want to eat the meal then the alternative was bowl of cereal. Nothing was said. There was no drama. No serving it up endlessly until you'd eaten it. Because you could just go and get an alternative it was rare that child did.

This is our approach too. We get through a lot of cereal! The kids are happy and growing and excelling at school so can’t be too detrimental.

Watch the carbs and concentrate on protein and veg even more than you are. I was veggie for years since a child and I met lots of ‘lazy’ vegetarians who basically ate bread, pasta and cheese in various combinations, along with biscuits and chocolate.

Focus on more pulses, less cheese, some egg, some tofu, absolutely minimal pre-prepared stuff like veggie burgers. Fill up her plate with veg and protein and watch the amount of carbs she has.

Also, does she take a good quality multivitamin and mineral, inc zinc? Sometimes over-eating is caused by deficiencies.

To answer your question, no, you shouldn’t give them junk food. I couldn’t believe how young your DC are. I was expecting older children. Don’t let them talk to you like this. Stay calm, speak quietly but firmly - but put them in their place. If the older one whinges continually about the food, give her a couple of warnings, then take her plate and go to chuck the food in the bin. It’s disgraceful the way she’s talking to you. Nip it in the bud.

With the complaining about the food, my response would be “you dont have to eat it but there’s nothing else” rinse and repeat. Dont get into a conversation, be like a broken record.
if it continues or they play up they get asked to leave the table and not come back.
if they get hungry later they get given their plate of tea they didnt eat reheated.
They’ll soon learn.

Whoa - your 5 year old calla you names?!
Where on earth did they learn that behaviour?
That and the slamming doors need to stop now. You're going to have to reset the behaviour.

I don't see reading as a chore or a punishment at all. But after a day at school being under a timetable my son likes some time to do some things of his own choosing. He knows what he needs to get done (school bag etc) and at 8 had a list to remind himself/check off but I let him choose the order.

And many teenagers and adults are overweight because they were overweight children.

Why are you letting them be rude to you. It's okay to have food preferences but not ok to be rude about food someone has cooked for you. I'd be making it clear that rudeness isn't acceptable at - plate away and to bed unless they can learn some manners. Where is their father in this - do they act the same way when he is at dinner? Why do they think it is ok to insult you/your cooking?

I know people might say your youngest is too young for this but what about making a making a list of family rules that you all try and hold each other accountable for?
I did this with mine- we agreed some basics and then some things like eg no tech for any of us at X time, we choose the meals for the week out of a set amount etc
Gives them an element of control also

Family rules perhaps. Sit down with partner and kids and decide family rules and consequences
Door slamming - time out
Shouting at mum - warning then consequences.

No snack until they have sorted out their bags

Do they eat dinner and moan or do they not eat?

You would give a child a sandwich an hour before dinner?

It sounds like you’re doing just fine, OP. Yes, consequences for the rudeness and door slamming as PP have said but sounds like this is just a tough patch.

The only thing I’d add is that as soon as you think they’re old enough, I’d give them more agency to manage their own time. Mine are older (14 and 11) and they’re allowed a couple of hours of screen time after school and also have to shower, tidy rooms, do homework and music practice. I let them organise their own time (and have done since the youngest was about 8) on the proviso that if they’re not getting stuff done on a regular basis, I’ll go back to deciding what happens when, just like I used to when they were younger. Things are surprisingly harmonious because they feel they have some control. They also have a bit of input into meal planning too.

I think you're doing a great job. It is hard at the end of the day and being moaned at makes you feel rubbish, but you have expectations and are consistent - the rules aren't changing, they are fair and reasonable requests. Maybe to make life easier, when everyone gets in there can be a wind down - TV, games, colouring, whatever, and then homework after tea? And a mix of offering a high value reward at the weekend for compliance, and a threat of no TV next day for cheek/moaning might motivate them to be a bit nicer. Don't give up - hold firm now or you'll be regretting it for years

Is it the vegetarian that is complaining about eating vegetables?! I wanted to be a veggie at 8 but hated veg. I didn't actually start eating veg until my mid 20's and my parents were old school 'its that or nothing'. I sat at the table for hours and then ate nothing.
My mum actually said to be that until I ate veg I couldn't be a vegetarian. I've said this to my own son was also doesn't want to eat meat. Mine are the same age as yours and both picky. We have a list of dinners that are acceptable to all which are served with at least 2 out of the 4 veg they will eat. Maybe twice a week DH and I eat something different and the kids get good quality nuggets or fish goujons.
On Sunday I cooked a pie and roast potatoes and veg (mash and different veg for adults) both kids instantly complained about the pie. I told them they were eating it, there was nothing on the plate they'd not had before, that I'd only given them the veg they will eat and that if I heard any more nonsense we wouldn't have family games.

A PP asked whether you have the same issues at the weekend - apologies if you’ve answered this and I’ve missed it but it might be important?

I think your real problem is lack of consequences for rudeness.

Come up with a plan and follow through

OP it's probably worth trying a few tweaks as people have suggested, to see if it helps.
But most important is to stop the bad behaviour and calling you names.
You need to have a family talk, tell them that name calling is unacceptable, and particularly to someone who is providing their food. Ask them what they think a suitable consequence should be, then you (and DH if he is there) decide on what consequence you will impose next time it happens (you will have already decided this beforehand but they don't need to know that).
Then the next time they act up, you have a ready made consequence to impose. Do it. Firm voice, no arguments.
They do not get to call you names and have no consequences.

Totally agree with what you’re saying about reading, but have another take on OP’s DD being a vegetarian. I stopped eating meat at 6. I found the idea of eating an animal totally horrifying and disgusting - and I’m still veggie 30 years later! Luckily enough my mum was really supportive about it and I have always had a rich and varied diet and no weight issues. I think if I’d been forced to eat meat it could have really led to difficulties