To just give them what they want

[Tetherrrrrr]

I'm at the end of my tether with my children, aged 8 and 5.

Every evening ends up with them shouting and crying and complaining and slamming doors.

The reason for this is that I ask them to unpack their schoolbags, do their reading, and eat a healthy meal. While I'm cooking they have half an hour to watch the television.

And it's nothing but complaints. The older one is vegetarian so I make her a different version of the meal. I give them 'safe' foods, I try to stay neutral, I choose the food they choose the quantity etc.

But they gripe and complain and cry if i ask the slightest thing of them, and even shout sometimes, and the little one slams doors and calls me names.

I'm done. I just want to put them straight in front of the telly with a family pack of crisps and a bar of chocolate every evening and avoid the battles.

Same here. Only thing i concede to is the vegetarianism, and I think it would be cruel to try to feed her meat. Otherwise it's one meal and either you eat it or you don't.

I have kids that age and they really don't need to read their dull dull school book every day. Have you had parents' evening yet? Hopefully you got an update on how they're doing, if they're doing fine then relax a bit. If school is militant then just skip the reading and sign the record. At our school I can just go 'shrug, yeah, sorry!' if ever pulled up for not reading enough (has only happened once).

OR probably a less contraversial suggestion would be read in the mornings before school, if they really must read every single day.

Home at 4:45 is sooo late for primary, they're probably shattered! I'd do dinner at 5 and family meals at the weekend.
Who cares about unpacking school bags.
Would not be trying to do a board game every night!!

For comparison on our after school club days it's:

Home at 5, snack immediately
Telly, dinner, often simultaneously, around 5:30
Hang out, play together, watch telly, play switch
Bath 6:30
Play, hang out, books, chat, teeth
Bed 7:30

No 'activities' at all really (homework, reading, board games) after a long day of school! Priority is relaxing and resting.

When do they get time to let off steam?

Bloody hell they are 8 and 5 just unpack their bag for them. They don’t need to be taught independence and responsibility yet. Easy way to avoid any stress.

If they enjoy reading, could they just do without telly time for a bit? My eldest would happily flick through books for ages as she genuinely loves it. Sometimes the TV in our house causes stroppiness and the kids seem to be calmer when we don't have it on, and also easier to break off from it to eat if they are just playing or reading or colouring or whatever then prizing their eyes away from a program that's half way through.

Just some more general thoughts anyway, not saying TV isn't my absolute saviour most of the time 😂

I do allow ‘down time’ as soon as the kids get home and a drink. They have a sand timer, so they can see exactly how long they have. Once that is finished we unpack bags together (yes that needs doing so I can wash up) and I check notes from teacher etc.

Then they do homework or play until dinner. We sit down together for a meal at 5.30 (no DH at this time).

In relation to food, I’ve relaxed a lot for an easy life and made adjustments for everyone e.g spaghetti bolognaise I cook each component separate as one doesn’t like meat and one doesn’t like sauce. I do a jacket potato but they chose and help themselves to fillings. I allow choice because otherwise it would be an argument every evening and I can’t tolerate that. It’s taken ages to find meals that we will all eat without moaning. The adjustments are worth the peace for me.

The shouting and slamming doors I would punish quite harshly. For my kids that’s a screen time ban. That’s what ‘hurts’ them and they know I mean it. I will consistently punish rude behaviour because I can’t stand shouting. I’ve been really honest with my DC and told them why it’s so upsetting to me (abusive childhood) and now they hardly ever do it. Consistently punishing has been the only thing that works for my DC, softly softly and they take the utter piss!

I agree, they need downtime / time to blow off steam after school - and whilst I personally see reading as down time my kids see it as a chore.

I never have followed that particular guideline. All 4 are alive, healthy weights and non picky eaters.

Pudding is a weekend thing and it's sociable. If they're going to talk to me rudely then like hell would they be getting extra, nice stuff. They could have a bloody yoghurt after dinner and like it!

Dinner is dinner. Eat or don't. We sit round for pudding after, regardless of what they did or didn't eat but I wouldn't allow them to join the rest of us if they couldn't be civil. Its the attitude I'd be punishing.

The eating, I take a whatever approach. I give them meals with stuff I know they like and it's up to them what they eat but I won't let them binge on junk because they didn't eat dinner. I might make them porridge or something boring if they're hungry later.

Books shouldn't be a punishment, let them sit and do nothing!

At that age mine HAD to eat instantly when they came in, irrespective of when they last ate. We allow snacks (carrots/humous/olives/fruit etc.) and complete down time for at least an hour if not more just to chill.

Then we’d do family stuff and dinner together.

At that age reading is for pleasure only - you’re making it not fun by the scheduling and thus creating a bad vibe around it. My school didn’t set homework throughout primary, a philosophy I agree with.

Agree on the mealtimes, we had a zero tolerance to stropping about what food was presented (unless it was a genuine dislike which was rare). Calm and not fractious will help dinner time.

Change the schedule to give them a break. Communicate it and set expectations. Consequences for poor behaviour.

Might be a good idea to knock the telly on the head for a bit... I'm not entirely unconvinced that it's not linked to the attitudes, when you see all these god-awful kids' series with sassy 6 year olds lording it over their parents and their parents being oh haha aren't they hilarious. And if it's not that it's the My Little Ponies trying to rack up likes on their little pony mobile phones. Bloody awful.

I think you should stick to your guns. With some tweaks

my DC are 9 and 5

they unpack bags as soon as home. Water bottles for washing etc

if dinner quite soon I’d give chopped apple/carrots in front of tv. Fibre helps portion control at meal and crunchy food good for sensory

feedback on meals cooked is up for discussion but we really try and get them to try something new. Sometimes talk about their tastebuds as a separate thing/joke - ‘are your tastebuds having a bad day?!’ And work a lot on not being rude to someone who has cooked a meal

its all hard work tho!

I mean, this is a completely subjective opinion and depends entirely on how the rest of the day is structured! I know plenty of 4 year olds who eat dinner at 7pm. (Mediterranean country).

Offer a snack as a bribe for unpacking bags, tidying up, washing hands, helping set table etc.
Then if they still won't comply no snack, and also no screens or games. If they moan just ignore them and say 'those are the rules'.

When mine were that age we did the reading just before bed, rolling it into a bedtime story and downplaying the chore aspect of it. Reading should be a pleasure.

Both had quite restricted palates, but I knew they would develop so a lot of pasta presto was eaten and I didn’t make a big thing out of it.

The only thing was getting lunchboxes out of their bags. I found that a single job (rather than a much more extensive unpacking the whole bag) was quite easy to accomplish. Lolling in front of the TV also fine tbh. The less fuss I made about it the more inclined they were to do other things.

If it helps our routine (aged 7&9) is something like this:

3:30- in the door, shoes and coats put away, lunch box and water bottle put by sink, grab snack (there's a box of snacks and they help themselves to one- fruit baked bars, fruit winder type things, actual fruit, cereal bar, not the healthiest but not the worst!)

3:32! - pick up iPad or Xbox controller. They desperately need the down time.

5ish- homework at table (not reading)
while I make dinner. Eat together unless one is at a club

After dinner, play anything not on a screen.

7:30 get ready for bed and into bed with school reading books or own books. Lights out 8:15.

I love the reading, it’s a critical life skill and keep going. I would definitely say no tv tomorrow and after that no tv unless you come to me and say bags unpacked and all those other things you wanted done. Just close your ears to the moaning and say no, clearly you don’t really want tv, as you know what to do to get it.

People are just suggesting (as you asked for advice) that you move the reading to a later time as you kids are clearly either over tired from school or have too much energy left to burn when it gets to dinner.

Why don’t you move tv forward. Cook a meal that can be prepped while they are watching tv or slowly cook from the earlier time. Then after TV do something physical like a dancing game, musical statues etc or park in the summer.

Reading can be done after dinner as part of quiet play or at bedtime.

What is important to kids is having your attention. Bad behaviour is just a way of getting attention from you. If you ignore as much of the grumbling and winging as possible but praise any small positive thing they do they will quickly realise that good behaviour = more attention from mum.

Rather than focusing on taking away privileges you can reward positive behaviour at dinner with an extra bedtime book for example.

Try not to comment on what isn’t eaten for a little while to take the pressure off and reset the eating situation. Just make sure everyone has the same veg on their plates. Comment positively on the taste and texture of your own veg as you eat and praise any trying of veg or new foods at any opportunity. It’s the long game.

I know how you feel. My 13 year old had the biggest melt down tonight cause he had pasta bake for dinnner it was like I was making him do a bush tucka trial!! So now his PlayStation is in my room!

Honestly I ask him to tidy his room and all hell breaks loose

"I hate my life"
"All you ever do is moan at me"
"You're so unfair"

Blah blah blah....mate just tidy your room and shut up!! 😂

To add an alternative suggestion, would something like a star chart work? Not necessarily that simple as I'm not sure what age they stop being effective, but as a basic premise. Screen time (or whatever it would be) is earned. You get home, have some down time, then complete whichever tasks you're meant to do such as taking your water bottle and lunch box out of your bag, eat what is put in front of you without sass and have an evening without door slamming and yelling at mum...okay, you've earned tomorrow's screen time. The tasks have to be completed but also in a way which isn't causing an atmosphere in the house. Something which has helped here has also been that when that attitude is there we try and work out why. Have had some pretty good therapy sessions with my kids where we've pummelled a pillow together or had a good yell. It's amazing to me now that my 6 year old will say 'im really angry mummy, my body has angry energy. I need to run or hit something'. So we handle it together.

My kids are still pretty small, but we've had way more positive response to the carrot effect rather than the stick. Praising when they do something rather than moaning when they don't. Trying to make the focus and attention on the good things rather than the bad. We have team tidy ups where we all spend 20-30 minutes getting the house to the level that we all want it to be to live in it. Trying to instil that we all have a responsibility to ourselves and each other and it's not just my job to be a nag and down their necks. Some days are more successful than others but on the whole it's really made the house feel like a more positive place to live and the family feel more like a team (most of the time!)

This kind of thing makes me feel like such an amateur with my 6 years of parenting experience 😅😂 teens are next level!!!

And kids don’t desperately need tv and video games and flashing lights and sounds. They need downtime which is an entirely separate statement. Tv etc are genuinely soothing for some neurodiverse kids but the others can all get their downtime other ways. Tv is not a basic human right and I’ve never seen it make a positive impact on my kids behaviour, often a substantially negative one for my eldest.

I have 3 children- 2, 5 and 7.

I recently heard Russell Kane on Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombs podcast 'Parenting Hell' talking about the various parenting books he had read and he shared one technique that had stuck...

Essentially you give the control back to the kids. So you say "the problem is, you keep slamming doors and shouting at each other. This behaviour isn't acceptable in our family. What is the solution as it doesn't make any of us feel good?"

And RK said it works at least 50% of the time. The kids often reply with a solution, for example " well if I'm angry, I will go to a quiet part of the house and count to ten etc etc" "Yes! And if I see my sister is angry, I can give her space".

Anywayyyyy .. I tried this and it bloody works. They self regulate and police their own behaviour. I'd say I have a 90% success rate.

Yes, it is annoying as they do sometimes sound like little Therapists from Florida. And yes, it sounds too simple to be true.

Try and find the podcast and give it a try. It can't hurt - at least I hope not ha.

Good luck!

Trying to be cautious with snacks as older child has had weight issues before and isn't far from it again now

No. Unless you are only feeding her chips, no eight year old has weight issues that mean her diet needs to be regulated.

I started off reading this thread with a huge amount of sympathy as my own DCs can be extremely demanding and resistant to anything I ask of them. However, I worry that you are expressing concern about earlier weight issues for a girl who is now only eight and so at the time these so-called "weight issues" were identified was what? Two? Four? Six?

I am no expert, but this sounds like a potential eating disorder waiting to happen. If it does, not doing homework will be the least of your worries.

Oh it most definitely is but a declining pleasure amongst the young it seems x