To just give them what they want

[Tetherrrrrr]

I'm at the end of my tether with my children, aged 8 and 5.

Every evening ends up with them shouting and crying and complaining and slamming doors.

The reason for this is that I ask them to unpack their schoolbags, do their reading, and eat a healthy meal. While I'm cooking they have half an hour to watch the television.

And it's nothing but complaints. The older one is vegetarian so I make her a different version of the meal. I give them 'safe' foods, I try to stay neutral, I choose the food they choose the quantity etc.

But they gripe and complain and cry if i ask the slightest thing of them, and even shout sometimes, and the little one slams doors and calls me names.

I'm done. I just want to put them straight in front of the telly with a family pack of crisps and a bar of chocolate every evening and avoid the battles.

How long are they at school for? My kids do 9-3 and everyone is home by 3.40

Let them unwind in front of the TV with a (preferably healthy) snack after they get home.

Mine used to enjoy doing arts and crafts at the kitchen table while I cooked dinner. We would chat about their day - and mine - and it used to be a really relaxing time. As they got older they would do their homework while I got on with dinner.

Reading can be done after dinner or just before bed.

I always tried to create a calm and relaxing atmosphere. Those hours between school and bed are some of my most treasured memories. They grow up so fast.

Exactly

How about they have their tea at 5 but eat a dessert type snack supper with you and their dad later on? Yoghurt or rice pudding or something. Agree with pp, they’re likely tired and very hungry (but may not know that they are). Telly after their tea, and then bath, supper, and pre-bed jobs (as this delays bedtime by a minute or two!?).

I must admit, I never made my dc do homework. As we read and drew and played games using maths together anyway I didn’t see the point. If she wanted to do it she did it, but otherwise not.

So is the name calling and defiance only after school or is this something you also see on weekends/holidays? I guess I am wondering how much of this is post school stress and how much is not.

Fair point... i should make it play as you like and/or telly. The little one often plays while watching though

Get the kids to unwind in front of tv as soon as they get home. Also give them something like yoghurt and a sandwich or cereals and milk plus fruit. After that they can do some home work/unpack their bags, then free play and tea

Maybe this is more about managing your feelings and your response to them, than changing the routine and the food.
Can you do some thinking/ reading around separating your feelings from how they feel about the food you offer.
I agree on not sweating the reading. Can you include one of them with your food prep? A bit of time 1;1?

It's homework for the little one, not for the big one. Was trying to help her see that reading can be fun and relaxing, and it isn't something she complains about. But it seems that the general consensus is that she shouldn't be reading, at least not until bedtime.

They need time to decompress from school

U have let them rule the roost, start actually parenting them, rather than letting them dictate.

fruit and biscuits is not enough for hungry growing kids. That's just sugar. They need something more more substantial as well like yoghurt and milk, ham or cheese sandwich etc

I don't think you should make reading a punishment...

My thoughts exactly. Reading is and always has been one of life's great pleasures for me. I suppose I'm forcing it on them too much (even though they dont complain about it). Television it is then.

Shouting, slamming doors and name calling? From children aged 8 to 5?

Yeah, no that would be slapped backsides all round in my house and like fuck would they be getting treat foods after speaking to me like dirt. I'd nip that shit right in the bud.

No pudding. No screens. Eat your dinner or don't then go to your room and do your homework, I don't socialise with people who call me names. Don't come out until you're ready to say sorry and behave reasonably.

My question is about the junk food. Does she ask for doughnuts etc because they are in the house? If not (and if they are in a cupboard far far away) the answer is no, we don't have that and then start a conversation about healthy eating, at eight, she is old enough to grasp the basics - and I WANT doesn't mean I GET

I thought it was against the current thinking to have pudding and sweet foods as a treat, and savoury/healthy foods as an obligation?

What time do they get home in the afternoon? It sounds like long day and I agree with others they need a snack and time to decompress when they get home before reading etc

No they aren't in the house and my god we have had the conversation endlessly on a loop for literally years. Vitamins, minerals, strong bodies, strong teeth, everything in moderation etc etc

We’ve ended up going quite hardline with the 9yr old when it comes to food as otherwise she’d always reach for the junk! So we never say no to fruit, or yoghurt with honey, or crudités with hummus for example but sweet things are limited.
We’ve also stopped cooking her alternatives and now she eats what we do or she doesn’t eat (before anyone comes for me she’s NT, no other issues, she’s just fussy!) Most meals are eaten without a problem, just a grumble!
As for the stropping, 8 is old enough for the consequences not to be immediate, so you do have options there.

Yes I think i need to do this. I need to greywall them! But I'm so tired and sometimes the criticism just gets to me.

I agree this is the way forward

Just switch the TV time to first and the bags / reading time to second. I bet it helps! I'd also give a small snack at the school gate. Mine do this, and we eat at 5pm and they're still always starving.

I disagree with the need to feed them earlier. However, I also disagree with the idea that you can’t sanction yesterday’s behaviour today. “If you shout at mummy again tonight or slam the door, there will be no TV (or whatever else they like best) tomorrow. Followed by tomorrow, sorry darling, you were rude to mummy and slammed the door yesterday so no TV this afternoon.”

Also, contrary to popular Mumsnet ideals, we did pudding every night, but only if all vegetables and protein were eaten - just make sure you’re giving sensibly small portions (then gradually increase by half a green bean a fortnight!)

Options with the junk food:

We had a free access fruit bowl, so any child saying they were hungry was offered fruit.

If she wants junk food you could try giving her a bit of pocket money and then she can afford a small amount each week. Stops the moaning (or at least you can respond with buy you own using your pocket money) and starts to show her that if she buys junk on Saturday and eats it all on Saturday it's gone for the rest of the week.

Obviously don't make it too much pocket money.

I suspect if you fed them earlier and separately there would be less moaning - fruit and biscuits tend not to fill kids up - but if family dinner is important to you then maybe consider a high protein snack?