To just give them what they want

[Tetherrrrrr]

I'm at the end of my tether with my children, aged 8 and 5.

Every evening ends up with them shouting and crying and complaining and slamming doors.

The reason for this is that I ask them to unpack their schoolbags, do their reading, and eat a healthy meal. While I'm cooking they have half an hour to watch the television.

And it's nothing but complaints. The older one is vegetarian so I make her a different version of the meal. I give them 'safe' foods, I try to stay neutral, I choose the food they choose the quantity etc.

But they gripe and complain and cry if i ask the slightest thing of them, and even shout sometimes, and the little one slams doors and calls me names.

I'm done. I just want to put them straight in front of the telly with a family pack of crisps and a bar of chocolate every evening and avoid the battles.

Wait for the ‘silent’ huffing. Not kicking-off just huffing and puffing like someone is a marathon runner doing a sprint finish for the olympic gold new world record and is at max heart-rate capacity.

When it’s just emptying the dishwasher.

I’m quite shocked at the number of posters that consider screens to be downtime. DC have downtime when they get home but not from a tv or tablet - I let myself be led by them in terms of whether to do homework or relax first. They usually want to get the work out the way and then play

We have similar battles over dinner some days OP - I just don’t give it any headspace and it has become better. They can leave the meal (which is something I know they do usually eat) but when they’re hungry later (because they chose not to have dinner), they will be offered the same thing. Heated and served properly but there are crisps/chocolate/donuts/cake in the house so holding out for them just means going to bed hungry. As an absolute final resort they get a banana before bed. There’s no alternatives and so they eventually do eat.

At 5, mine needed to read earlier in the evening, they would be tired before bed and that time was just me reading to them. I wouldn’t have reading as a punishment but losing the tv would be

As you can see from opinions on here, we are all so different in our approaches, it’s what works best for you

Is your older child definitely getting enough protein? It might explain the hanger and junk food cravings (in part)

I was about to write this exact thing. When they get in from school I tend to turn everything to chill mode - snacks and screens. They get 90 minutes of tablet/TV then it's reading, dinner etc.

I also work remotely so can finish my day off as well. I will add, my kids are not in bed at 7.30pm! They go to bed at 9pm and they are 9&7 and have always been night owls. So I can hold off dinner until 7pm usually.

I think you need to take a step back. They are only 5&8. The current routine isn't working. Change it and try again.

OP I wouldn't believe some of these posts. I don't know anyone IRL with young kids who describe the time between school and dinner as relaxing. LOL

I can only say what we do which I find tends to work.

Get home, shoes off and wash hands. Snack and a drink. We play a game together. Something fairly quick. Then they can do what they want really (TV, tablets or toys which are always about to play with, or colouring) then tea around 5-5.15. After tea we go upstairs and they can play in their rooms, they usually just run and jump around being noisy. Then they have their showers, then read their school books then we'll read to them before bed.

Regarding the food, I think what you're doing is fine, giving them a snack and then veggies with dinner. You can't make her eat them. I literally ate no fruit or veggies growing up so don't worry. Maybe increase the protein foods rather than the unhealthy foods. But carbs are good for kids, it's the fatty/sugary/salty foods I'd maybe keep a bit less. I also find my kids will more likely eat what's in front of them if there's less variety on the plate. So for example I'll do meat, potato and carrot. And that's it, if they had piles of carrots and peas and broccoli they probably wouldn't even bother touching it.

I don't know how you respond when she asks for donuts and things. Maybe if she says I want a donut you could try...ooo yeah me too! Shall we see if we can get one at the weekend? That does tend to work for mine that always asks for lollypops or sweets but he is younger. It sometimes ends in a tantrum but I don't keep them in the house so there's nothing I can do about it anyway haha!

It was seven when she became a vegetarian and we naively let her substitute lots of carbs. She put on half a stone in a few months and the doctor even wondered if she was going through precocious puberty. We upped the protein and cut back on the carbs, she never knew what was going on and she grew into her weight in less than a year.

She now has three meals a day with two snacks. She can eat as much as she likes at meal times, no foods are bad foods, enjoys a good pudding etc etc but I do limit her access to junk food, and yes after the first four biscuits I will say that for the sake of balance please can she rather eat some vitamin-rich fruit.

I genuinely need to know if this is a dangerous road to go down... i am doing my best but if you see errors in my approach please tell me.

I have similar aged DCs and they unpack their bags too, no reason for them not too.
OR probably a less contraversial suggestion would be read in the mornings before school, if they really must read every single day
This is a great suggestion @CarrotPencil
and has worked for us at times.

@Ytcsghisn The 8 year old does not want to eat meat that is why she is having a different version of the meal everyone else eats

I would reduce snack to fruit after school & maybe they would be more inclined to eat their dinner/moan less about it if they are hungrier

I was a young vegetarian and yes, I put on a lot of weight due to over eating carbs. So I think you are right in being cautious but obviously never talk about this with your DC or focus on weight.

“Screens” can also be learning to do a craft (lots of sewing, knitting, crocheting and drawing here whilst watching how to do it).

Screens themselves aren’t the issue per se.

They need time to decompress. Would you want to get in from work and immediately sit down and read something work related. What you are doing isn't working. If you keep repeating what isn't working you'll get the same result

But it's not a school book for the older one, it's anything she wants to read - graphic novel, joke book, non-fiction, magazine, pop-up book, picture book, chapter book... absolutely not related to school.
It's like saying, would you like to be stuck in front of a computer all day at work and then have to go on another screen as soon as you get home? If it's a smartphone, I can imagine most people wouldn't complain.
I'm quite surprised at how many people on here see reading as a chore or a punishment.

I completely agree. Let them come home and relax for a bit. Also, stop being so het up about meal times. Serve dinner and they eat what they want. Many adults have eating issues because of battles over meals, completely uncessary.

Our routine is something like this on days we don't have after-school clubs:

With my 9yr old and 6yr old I immediately give them a snack and let them just completely veg out in front of TV for at least 45 mins when they get home from school. Then we do homework. Then they can play/TV/iPad while I cook tea.
Eat tea and then around 7ish it's start of bedtime routine. Reading. Then lights out at 8pm.

We don't really have any agro! I do cook simple meals I know they like during week. Weekend is more adventurous.

On days they go to after-school club we get in at 6pm so they just have sandwiches, crisps and fruit on those days. (They have school dinners) Then after eating they may do a bit of homework but only 5 mins. Then bedtime routine starts at 7:30. Reading then bed.

I would definitely recommend letting them have downtime and snack when they first get in. Maybe some simple but healthy meals that they enjoy.

What is the trigger for the shouting and door slamming? Do they find homework tricky? Not like the food?

It’s just what it’s like sometimes. This term is the worst because it’s so long. They get tired. Ask them what day of the week they want a tv night and say to them if they’re good they will get a tv night that week. Then everyone’s happy as you can get your night off and so can they x

I do try not to be het up, and let them just get on and eat/not eat, but after yet another chorus of moans and complaints and insults yes I'm afraid I do react, and more often then I should. I'm not fighting them over the food, but their rudeness provokes me.

They've been at school all day doing things that an adult decides they are doing in a way that adult decides they are doing them. Then they come home and another adult decides that they will do something. The ' something ' doesn't actually matter its the fact that it's more directed time. Why not let them do what they want to do until tea time.

I’m struggling to see what the actual problem is with your routine?! My kids always grumble at meal times but I figured that was normal! It sounds like you’re doing really well.

If they’re being little shits and talking to you like rubbish then that’s completely separate to your routine. Send them to their rooms or remove privileges the next day or weekend. Try the 1, 2, 3 magic book - I found it helpful for kids that age. They’re old enough to understand rules and consequences.

this is the witching hour for school age kids

they have spent several hours doing exactly what they are told - behaving to within an inch of their lives

have you seen a classroom with 30 kids in? its not a relaxed environment!

they are fizzy - exhausted - full of all the complaints, tiredness etc they have not been able to let out all day.

and yes it's the 'demands' they are exhausted by

I really wouldn't be making them do anything at all in the first hour or so after getting back. don't make reading a chore.

You need to est as much healthy stuff as you can. If it’s that problematic I wouldn’t even have the problem food in the house. No buscuits etc

but that’s just me.

Agree. They need downtime. A day at school is work for them.

I do think restricting food for an 8 year old will be an issue

I have a child who would easily eat 6 huge meals a day and she’s tiny! I mean like stupidly small. But I allow her whatever healthy food she wants whenever. If she wants a salad before bed she can have that.

I want healthy feelings and food. I don’t restrict at all but we don’t have chocolate or biscuits or crisps as I’m not really into that. We do have choc spread but that’s about it. I’m lucky cos all she drinks is water and loves salads