To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

Unexpected bills/costs come up all the time. Things break, memberships auto renew and so on.

This month I suddenly realised I needed two new front tyres.
And then there was something I really need but was making do without in a black Friday sale at a price I couldn't pass up. So that was also a pleasant surprise/also unexpected.

Tell them you have covid.

Not a good excuse. Just be honest and pay for your own. No need not to go.

Seems like the 'you can't let your friend down' brigade are out in force BUT if OP isn't happy flagging the fact that she's going to struggle to pay and it's highly likely she could get roped into rounds or a meal split to include covering the birthday girl's meal then really she needs to put herself first in this instance.

Nobody should be putting themselves in debt for a mate just before Xmas.

Some people find it embarrassing to bow out of rounds and bill splitting.

I'd personally rather not attend something rather than have to do that.

It's not OP's fault they've picked an expensive place to eat out.

I would feel sad if you were my friend and felt you had to lie about being skint.

@Tink3rbell30 how is literally not being able to afford it "not a good excuse"?

There was a rather sad thread recently where the OP had gone to great efforts to organise her 40th birthday bash and the amount of no shows and cancellations was something horrendous. If driving and paying for your own meal is within your means, then that would be preferable to dropping out at this stage.

Not being able to afford something isn't an excuse, it's a valid reason.

Drive and message the birthday girl and organiser to say you are a bit broke and ok to split the bill carefully? I’m sure they’d rather you went than pull out

Perfect!
Dont be a flaky friend. It’s so hurtful. You should have declined earlier, sorry OP. I sympathise but it’s too late to pull out now.
Also won’t they have had to pay a deposit?

Friends would understand though. Better to be honest than a liar, always leaves a bad taste.

You start with "to be honest", mention people who "always assume others are lying" and therefore "don't deserve this much angst" and go on to tell the OP to lie! Why not advise her to be honest if she's not going or come up with a way to make the evening affordable?

She said she can pay for her own. So do that instead of making up lies.

If they are good friends then just be honest- money is tight so you're going to drive to save on travel cost and pay your own bill. It's really that simple! £80 is a lot you're right!

The added difficulty is it a 'food for the table' kind of eating rather than order your own main. So it's a set menu of dishes that comes based on the number eating. So there's no option to just have a cheap something.

If this was my birthday celebration and you said you couldn’t afford it I would just pay for you so you could come. Have you seen all the threads on here where upset people have gone to the trouble of arranging parties and meals out only to have some no shows and late cancellations that ruin the evening (a couple where no one turned up at all) Tell your friend what the problem is, drive yourself, don’t drink. I’m sure you will have a good time and that your friend will be leased to see you. Some kind person will probably buy you a mock tail. I have been at various times the best off and the poorest of my group of friends, they always understood.

Agree, so much snakey behaviour on this thread.

Why did you agree to go in the first place? You’re letting your friend down. Do people not have values anymore?

Can you afford it OP if you just pay for food and drive? What was said when you tried to decline before?

sickness and diarrhoea that has started Friday morning ... nobody will pressure you to still go

I think that is so rude. It’s a small group, and a big birthday so presumably you’re relatively close to the birthday boy / girl. Surely they are owed an explanation? And you should definitely apologise for dropping out.

Is £80 really going to make that much difference to your Christmas? You should go, be grateful to be asked and celebrate with your friend who thinks enough of you to ask you.