To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

These people might be friends but they aren't the boss of you. Either tell the truth or say you won't be able to make it but you'd love to have a lunch to celebrate her birthday another time.

I'm in the honesty camp. You either go and be honest - drive, keep things to your own budget.

Or you don't go and be honest - I just can't afford it before Christmas

I think you should go though - have some fun, and only spend what you can feasibly afford

Honestly, life is too short to do something that causes you stress. £80 is a long money if you don’t have it. I would message and say I’m sorry I was hoping to make it but its just not going to work out. Hope you have a great time etc.

I misread - you earlier said "I could drive, it's a long way" which I took to mean I could drive but it's a long way!"

So I would drive, yes, a 20-mile Uber is not ideal.

Don’t feel bad. No one else will.
I’ve ducked out of all sorts, no one gives it another thought.
Tummy bug, virus, suspected Covid. Just remember which you use!

This ^^ is the right approach, and is what I would do.

Just tell them beforehand. It needn't be embarrassing.

Drive, say you’re not drinking for the whole of November as you need to get in shape for Christmas and therefore you’ll bow out of the drinks orders (and just make sure you drink water). Then only need to pay for your food and contribute to the tip.

that’s if you want to go of course and are trying to find a way to make it work

The kind of company I keep wouldn't mind at all if I had been in the OP's shoes. They would just be glad I could join them.

I know some people love it, but I’m not really a fan of the ‘no excuse needed’ just say “sorry I can’t make it anymore” thing, it’s not for me. If someone text me saying that about my birthday meal with no reason, I think I would find it a bit off.

I think your best bet here is to drive so no money on taxis. Also means no money on drinks. So then when it comes to splitting the bill, you can easily say “I didn’t get any alcohol drinks guys so I’m just gonna pay for my meal and you can all split the rest between you.” You’re killing two birds with one stone there really, no taxi cost and it’s an easy, obvious way to not take part in bill splitting. Also you say it’s a small group so I think that would be really easy. May be harder in a bigger group to take your meal off and then split. I often don’t drink with meals so my friends and I do it that way.

The best excuse is Covid. Tell her a day in advance you’ve got Covid and feel wretched so can’t join, let alone the danger of spreading it and you’ll take her out for a drink when you’re better.

She won’t mind. At birthday meals only 2/3 people get to talk to the birthday person anyway.

I would drive, not have any drinks, and ask for a separate bill. It's totally fine to pay for just yourself! Times are hard for a lot of us right now, and parting with a lot of cash for no real reason is unnecessary.

@CandyCane457 that's why I think the OP should simply be honest - "I can't afford it".
That's the reason.

I would tell the truth. I've had to do it before and proper friends understand. It's better than a lie - that will sound like a lie.

"Hi all. Just looked at the menu - looks delish - but a bit pricey for me at the moment. Things are pretty tight right now, and we've all agreed to cut back a bit, so much as I'd love to come, I just can't justify it this time. Hope you all have a brilliant time and send me some pics so I can feel like I'm there is spirit!"

Depends what the group is like. If they are pretentious just make an excuse that you can't come because .................. If they are OK and will understand, can your order something small, drink something non alcoholic and drive yourself. Say you have extra costs this month and, whilst you are happy to join them, you can't afford the huge bill.

But why lie to your friends? If they find out then they will be hurt and think of you as a liar and this might affect your friendship. Surely it’s ok to just say that you are sorry, but you just make it anymore. It might be awkward, but at least it’s honest.

I've been on both sides of this. I've been the one worrying about paying for it or choosing the cheapest option and nursing a glass of water, although these days I out earn most in my social circle.

I worried far more about how things appeared when I was poorer. I was embarrassed by it. But now I know there's no need to be. Anyone who measures someone's worth by how much income they have is an absolute idiot. It's a con and we need to get past this idea that willingness to spend money = generosity of spirit. It most certainly doesn't!

I find it far better to own this sort of thing. And the more you do it, the easier it gets. I remember the first year I suggested we stopped buying Christmas presents for extended family members and focused only on immediate. Everyone was so relieved.

If this were me, I'd be going because i said I would. I hate flaky people and I wouldn't want to let down a friend. However, I definitely would post on the WhatsApp group chat something like:

Hi all. Really looking forward to Sunday. Just want to be clear on details so no one has any nasty surprises. Christmas is costing me a fortune this year, so to keep costs manageable I'll be driving instead of getting an Uber and I will be paying for my own meal/drinks. I'm sure many of you will be in the same situation and this will make life fairer and easier for everyone. Shall we agree now if everyone ok with that approach? Happy to pay a contribution towards birthday girl's if that's what we're all agreed on.

So many perfectly reasonable suggestions and I’d still just text something like: “Sorry, I’m not going to be able to make it after all, I hope you have fun.”

I'm usually in the 'honesty is the best policy' camp but as this is very last minute and I'd be tempted to throw a sickie.

Do you have little ones, OP? A bout of Norovirus usually puts people off spending time with you!

I see exactly where you're coming from, btw. These things can very quickly get out of hand. You can guarantee some will start getting rounds in and then you'll look tight not getting involved.

If they were very close friends that you see week to week hen I'd say push through and be honest about needing to keep costs down but if it's a big gang of old mates like that I'm sure they'll get a few cancellations and that they'll still have a good night anyway.

Oh no, is the organiser going to expect you all to cover the birthday girl's meal too?

Is bill splitting still a thing? I go out with a couple of different groups and we always only pay for what we had plus a tip.

I agree. It isn't anything to be embarrassed about.

No please don't do this.

Don't lie.

Be honest, drive and pay for yourself.

Yes this. You could even go up to the staff on the pretext of going to the toilet at the end of the meal and ask to pay yours separately? Tell the bar staff you’re in a rush. Just remember to contribute to the service charge. Then just tell the group ‘I’ve settled up already as I didn’t have alcohol’

That's an outright lie. There are no unexpected bills.

It's nearly always better to tell the truth, or at least something closely resembling the truth. If you lie you risk getting caught out later (how long were you ill for/how was the dentist's appointment, etc) and you have the stress of remembering which lie you've told to whom. Better to have a clear conscience. If the OP tells the truth (I'm really sorry, I can't afford it this month) and the others say they'll chip in for her, she just has to say that would make her feel uncomfortable and hopefully she'll see them the next time, and maybe think about taking the birthday girl out for coffee instead.

I think it's really shitty to be all enthusiastic when you already know you won't be going.