His GF asked him not to visit our kids anymore

[Twinkiebinkieseven]

Hi all,

Just pondering. So the ex is in a relationship. His GF threatened to end things if he didn't stop seeing the kids at mines which he's been doing for the last few years about every 4-6 weeks. We only had this arrangement because he moved 3 hours away.

So now, the kids will see their dad a handful of times a year now.

I feel pretty angry about it TBF and can't believe he would choose her over his kids. I'm struggling to stay amicable. AIBU to think he's a terrible dad or am I unreasonable?
Fyi - I really don't care that he's in a relationship as he was a horrible partner but anything that hurts my kids, hurts me.

Where on earth are you getting that he cheated WITH the OP???
OP says:
'I don't blame the girlfriend at all. He cheated on her and tried to get back with me whilst with her a few times so she's probably insecure due to his scummy behaviour'.
He cheated on his GF, but how do you know that was with OP? All OP says about herself is that he tried to get back with her. You're assuming the cheating was with OP when it doesnt actually say that!

He didn't cheat with the OP. He tried to.

However it is right he doesn't see the children in the OP home as it is confusing to their own children.

However this "prince" of a man:

1. Refused to see his children if he couldn't see them in the OP home.
2. Refuses to spend any money seeing them except what he can take out of child maintenance to cover his travel costs.
3. Refuses to use his annual leave to spend time with his children.
4. Has difficulty telling the truth.

In anything from a few months to a few years time it will click with their older child what type of father he has.

Just be careful your ex and his GF are going around saying you have stopped him seeing the kids to cover their arses and making you out to be the bad one .

Rather than see the kids less, you both need to come up with another way for them to get together.

Also he is weak

Wow doing what his GF asks really!!!! as long as the children understand that this is his and his GF decision and not to do with you. I guess she is jealous and afraid you are a threat to her relationship with him. You can't win so let the children decide.

Contact the girlfriend and suggest directly to her that she's more than welcome round and to come with him and that you have no issue with her, just want him to spend time with his children. If she is saying the things you've said pile on the kindness, no trash talking and be welcoming.

He may be playing you off on her.

I understand why the girlfriend doesn't want him seeing them at your house but he needs to find another solution. Can he not take them out or sometimes rent out an Airbnb so he can stay there a few days with just him and the children? Not seeing them enough will deffo be disruptive for the kids

Tell him it's his choice and not to hide behind her. Don't take any crap about her having power over this important part of his life. It's simply not valid.

Oh dear, she's clearly got issues with trust when he comes to see you & the children. At the moment he's probably thinking with his dick but it never lasts. He's a silly man. I feel for you explaining to the children why daddy can't see them so often but if it were me I think I would probably laugh in his face and say "really?! Oh well it's your choice and your loss" as long as you explain to the children it's nothing they have done wrong and it's because he's so far away and for work reasons, they will get used to not seeing him so often and he will be the one to lose out. Children are very resilient and can move on quite quickly. Especially if you get a new man in your life if you haven't already, then see how he feels!

A 6 and a 12 year old on a 3 hour train ride by themselves, because the dad can't be arsed to come down? Really?

He’s scum. Sorry, but if my husband didn’t ever want to see his son (my SS) again that would seriously make me question his integrity. Part of what I loved about him is that he would do anything and jump through any hoop to ensure contact with his son was maintained.

Also, if she is insecure that’s her problem and she should be looking at why. When I first met my husband his routine was to see his son at his ex’s mother’s house with his ex there several times a week for a few hours at a time. At the time I never would have imagined stopping that for anything given she wouldn’t allow access any other way at the time (although equally my DH has always been the type of man you would feel secure with!).

The girlfriend before me had terrible issues with it though, which is why he ended it with her.

I think you should now contact the CSA and get things formalised.

You can only change how you feel, not their "dad"
Be the best YOU can be for your kids and hope for karma to do the rest

My ex did exactly this for the same reasons when our dd was 6, and that was after 3 years of letting her down, not turning up etc. He would turn up unannounced occasionally, wondering why she wouldn't go with him. He married his new gf without telling or inviting our dd (not that she would have gone but that's not the point). 8 years later the new wife left him for a woman, and he dated others still not contacting our dd. Then when she was 17 and his very forced maintenance payments were about to end as she was going to Uni, he wanted to see our dd again. Probably because he feared he might no longer be obliged to have her address etc. It was painfully awkward, I'd read him the riot act so many times at how painful this was for our dd to be so rejected by her own father (like its not obvious!). He had skin cancer, at this point, lost half his nose, I felt bad, some friends said maybe he'd had life affirming change, how would we feel if he died and hadnt given him/her that last chance. Despite our dd feeling soooo angry and hurt, she agreed reluctantly on the condition i ccompanied them on the painful trips, ever hopeful for an apology or reason why he had done this, he never did! He did say it had not been the ex wife's fault though!! Then his visits stopped again, sure enough another woman on the scene. Another marriage quickly ensued we heard through the grapevine, pictures on the FB account he had told our dd he didnt have yet again, she again wasn't told about or invited. There has been zero contact again for 3 years now, our dd is 21. I wish I'd shut the door in his face and at least spared her even more rejection. It seems some men don't have parental feelings or that bond, even though they can find it it would appear for step children. I would never be in a relationship with a man who would consider ditching his own child, it's very obvious they are doing this, and what sort of a woman asks or encourages a man to do this? It takes a very special man (or woman) to blank their own child. If they choose to do it and ignore what you say, there's nothing you can do about it sadly. Take it from me, they literally become strangers to them. In those intervening years we walked past him in a shopping centre, our dd literally did not recognise him. It's their loss. I can't decide if they are evil, total wimps or just not wired up right!