His GF asked him not to visit our kids anymore

[Twinkiebinkieseven]

Hi all,

Just pondering. So the ex is in a relationship. His GF threatened to end things if he didn't stop seeing the kids at mines which he's been doing for the last few years about every 4-6 weeks. We only had this arrangement because he moved 3 hours away.

So now, the kids will see their dad a handful of times a year now.

I feel pretty angry about it TBF and can't believe he would choose her over his kids. I'm struggling to stay amicable. AIBU to think he's a terrible dad or am I unreasonable?
Fyi - I really don't care that he's in a relationship as he was a horrible partner but anything that hurts my kids, hurts me.

Bizarre that he wouldn’t just take the kids out.

If he’s that useless then it’s no great loss for your children is it? So many shit dads about 💐

Have you replied ok we are, like everyone else, booking in Christmas events so you will have to fit in when you eventually decide. Also, I have put in a maintenance claim through cms now you’re not travelling so much.

It’s crap for the kids but I’d use this time as a chance to put your boundaries in place.

He has tried getting back with you and it probably won’t be the last time he tries.

Going forward, I wouldn’t have him at your home.

For the moment, the new gf can be the excuse but if they were to break up then he’d try worming his way back in, so it’s best to set your boundaries now.

Then he can’t accuse you of stopping him seeing the kids just because you won’t let him in your home.

It’s not great for your kids but I’d try and see the silver lining, which is him not using your home as part of his control tactics.

@tjr

How painful for your DC that their father is so flakey (at best).

Back to the csa and don’t give in to any of his requests again .

@Wonderi I totally agree. The main positive is I no longer have to oblige him by having him in my house. He also smells of damp clothes as he can't seem to dry his clothes properly 😂so no more airing my house when he leaves.
I am on the fence with regard to CSA. I earn more than him so we are ok with what we get and he does pay on time. If I claimed more it'd probably bring him to his knees as he's not good with money.

Keep the door open for him and make it as easy as possible for him to see the children (even if you have to get counselling to manage the anger/rage that you, rightly, feel). This is hard.

Yes. They are several people’s questions, actually. If you find it surprising we’d wonder why he can’t see the kids anywhere other than her house, I find you quite odd, as well.

This man sounds like an utter waste of space. Doesn't want to use his annual leave on his kids. I'm sorry he is such a selfish POS.

Hi h

Pop them on the train? Problem solved

If he can’t manage his money, your dcs shouldn’t miss out. Even if you don’t need the extra, save it for them. The reduction was his travel costs - he will have the same amount going out each month now.

if you don’t, now he doesn’t have travel costs, he’s going to make money on being a shit dad. that’s not ok.

I’d send him a message saying if he would like them in the holidays to let you know, and then not chase him. Also add a link to the bit on each dcs school website with school holiday dates listed and say if he would like the dcs any of the holidays, to let you know and you’ll avoid booking anything on the dates he wants. Then leave it, he’s decided he doesn’t want to be a dad anymore. You can’t change that.

Since he’s said that he can’t afford to take them out for the day, seeing them at OP’s house will be free or as close as which will be appealing. OP has said that he can take the kids to his for longer stretches but he doesn’t want to take annual leave.

If he’s the abusive type them this arrangement means that she can’t go out like a single woman and have fun because the kids are at home.

All of this was said after I’d made that comment. The questions have now mostly been answered. I was just responding to the poster who thought they were somehow unreasonable.

Thank you I take that as a compliment nothing wrong with being odd at all. I assume because he is a cheapskate he doesn't want to book a hotel he can't even pay the full allowance to his children. The op obviously made a lot of allowances so her children can see their father. He's a dead beat dad and the op needs to put her foot down and get her childrens money plus back pay from the CMS.

I think I've answered;

Why he couldn’t see them somewhere other than your home - stayed in a hotel, for example.

• He's terrible with money and can't afford a hotel
• He terrible with money and claims he can't afford to take them out for the day

Why he can’t take them for holidays.

• I've asked him to. He takes them for a period every other holiday but doesn't like using his leave. I even suggested taking just long weekends off. See my other post where I've asked him when he wants to have them at Christmas.

Why his girlfriend couldn’t just come with him to see the kids. He can hardly cheat on her if she’s there.

• he doesn't want us to meet. He's told me that. He said he's worried about the questions she might ask. This because he's a cheat and has been with her whilst trying to get back with me. I have timestamped messages to prove it.

On the other hand, given his personality he's probably made me out to be a problem. Id be happy to meet her and id be respectful and that would blow apart the picture he likely paints of me.

Whether you intend to continue letting him pay less than he should be.
I will see how it goes. I know he's terrible with money and I wouldn't feel good knowing he was hungry when my income is already higher than his and as much as I can't stand him I don't want to cause resentment.

Like I said, it’s all a bit odd.

Yes it is odd, that's why I'm sharing on Mumsnet because this situation is too embarrassing to share IRL and this is why I'm questioning my sanity.

Train? U go there ? Meet half way? Alt weekends kids going their on the train? His parents? I don't even talk tk my ex he has them sun and mon that's it but I don't bloody even see him.

I apologise for being snippy. That sounds like such a hard situation and he sounds like a real piece of work.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel that's a really good point. Hadn't thought of it like that at all. He gets away with doing so little and I've spent so many years letting him

I would not want a 6 and 12 yo on a train.

It’s up to their dad to make the effort.

He’s the one who moved away, it’s not up to OP to facilitate contact.

You had children with someone who can't take responsibility. He is behaving like a child. He lacks imagination and ambition. He's not much of a role model for your son's. You need to talk to your family and get them involved with your boys so they can teach them how to be men. My partner grew up without a dad he looked up to the men in his family and they taught him right from wrong. Don't be embarrassed you need your family.

The 4% who voted you are being unreasonable are total idiots.

I’m sorry @Twinkiebinkieseven , he’s a real waste of space. Doesn’t want to waste his money or his annual leave on his kids 😡

” I can’t afford the bus fair to see my kids “ said no mum ever.

Please claim the child support for your kids - he won’t go hungry, really he won’t. Men like him always have some gullible woman looking after them.

Or he could just do some overtime or get a second job, since you are looking after his kids 100% of the time.