His GF asked him not to visit our kids anymore

[Twinkiebinkieseven]

Hi all,

Just pondering. So the ex is in a relationship. His GF threatened to end things if he didn't stop seeing the kids at mines which he's been doing for the last few years about every 4-6 weeks. We only had this arrangement because he moved 3 hours away.

So now, the kids will see their dad a handful of times a year now.

I feel pretty angry about it TBF and can't believe he would choose her over his kids. I'm struggling to stay amicable. AIBU to think he's a terrible dad or am I unreasonable?
Fyi - I really don't care that he's in a relationship as he was a horrible partner but anything that hurts my kids, hurts me.

But your questions are all for him, not OP? She's already said the arrangement wasn't one she was happy with so it's not her saying he can only see the kids in her house. He has decided that, so you need to ssk him why...

Have no advice other than to say Fancybiscuits talks a lot of sense.
But I did want to reassure you that you aren't insane, and you've done enough.

I absolutely agree with you, I really messed up. Luckily they have some good male role models, their uncles (my brothers), my cousin's, close friends who are happily with amazing husbands and they both do a fair bit of sports.

She’s answered them. RTFT.

The gf is not being unreasonable to ask him not to stay at his ex’s. If someone on here was dating a man who would only visit his kids at his ex’s place, everyone would be like ‘he’s in love with his ex’ etc etc. He is a dick though. And honestly he sounds an embarrassment. (I’ve dated several of those so no judgement) but it sounds like you’re best off having as much control as poss over his communication with your kids. I’d just keep offering to have the gf come too - she’ll snoop on his phone and either she’ll come, or she’ll sack him off and he’ll go back to his once monthly visits 🙄

either way I would not let this man alone with your kids. He’s an abusive waste of space.

@ThatTealViewer I get it, it's odd! Going through it all here has actually been very cathartic. My mind feels a lot clearer now 😀

You facilitate far too much for him. Stop making it so easy for him to be a shit dad.

He moves 3 hours away so you accept him paying less towards your shared children. Why should your kids have less because he decided to move away? That’s not their problem. You say you can cover it, no you can’t, your salary covers your share of responsibilities, your ex needs to cover his! It’s not good enough. What if one day you can’t cover it? He pays for his own travel to see the kids he made then moved away from.

He doesn’t like using his leave. Tough Shit. That’s just part of being a parent. He should be covering half the school holidays.

You think going to the CSA is the wrong thing to do because at the moment he pays less than he should, but on time. If you go through the CSA he will pay what he should pay, on time, because if he doesn’t they will take it directly from his wage and charge him for the privilege.

He can’t even be bothered sorting out seeing them unless you allow him to use your home, every 6 weeks, and now he’s coming up with reasons he can’t even do that.

He’s behaving like a child and you are helping him do this. Put in a CSA claim and let him fade out.

He's a shit dad.

You have not messed up.

He’s a crap dad and you’ve done what you can so your kids don’t miss out on having a relationship with him.

Unfortunately, there is only so much you can do and you cannot force anyone to be a good parent.

@AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells So true, I do have an issue with putting others needs before my own hence I'm in this mess and trying to be better. All makes sense

You haven't messed up. You have brought two lovely boys into the world. You weren't to know you took a chance and it didn't work out. You have not messed up he has not you.

Now that he won’t be travelling to see them you can get the full payment from him 😃

Sorry OP, YANBU at all. Nothing much you can do though except lower your expectations of him, tough though it is.

I know it's not your question, but the new GF sounds vile too - I'm glad they've found each other x

He wasn’t doing great in the first place as only seeing them irregularly and infrequently. If he’s prepared to see them less due to his GF’s insecurity about him being in the same space as his ex-partner then he is an even poorer father than initially thought.

What does she think is going to happen? She clearly thinks you are intending to seduce him with a home-cooked cottage pie and an afternoon tryst while the kids are watching telly!! Very insecure.

If he’s that pathetic let it happen. (not the cottage pie 😬) Make sure he explains clearly to his children you are not putting any barriers in place to him spending time with them but he is choosing to defer to his GF’s paranoia so can’t see them ad often. It’s on him - entirely.

He doesn’t deserve you and the kids , you’re making the effort.. he’s making absolutely bare minimum.

You haven’t said why the kids can’t take the train to him on a weekend?

You want to know why a 6 and 12 year old can’t take a very long train journey by themselves?

They are 6 and 12. 🙄

One, their ages

Two, anything that’s a 3 hour drive is probably 4-5 on the train, and if the kids left Saturday morning and returned Sunday night, they’d spend half the visit in transit.

Bloody hell. The ‘leave’ thing is outrageous.

I would tell him you use all your leave on being with the kids / childcare. It is his job as a parent to take them in the holidays. Tell him he needs to decide whether he is still a Dad or not because the children love him and miss him and need him, and if he continues being so careless of their feelings you need to know so that you can manage their expectations that they have a Dad in their lives.

A three hour drive might be an hour on the train?!

Kids go free on some routes

If the 12 yo isn’t mature enough then maybe the parents can accompany them?

It's quite possible that she has said no such thing and he's made it up just so he can stop visiting.

Any decent father would do everything he can to see his children regularly and stay on an amicable footing with the children's mother.

I would tell him straight that if it's true and the new girlfriend has issued an ultimatum and he's being a wet wipe and following her orders, the relationship is doomed to fail as she will ban him from going out with his mates, drinking and so on.

He is not to come crawling back to you to resume the arrangement you had as you are not going to let the children be mucked around.

Stay firm and strong.

What?

Which route are you thinking of? One that is 3h door to door by car buf 1h on the train?

And when you say “the parents can accompany them” - you are signing OP up for a round trip train journey every other Saturday because their dad is such a knob he moved 3h away? Kids may or
may not go free (doubtful at age 12) but OP won’t

Are you on glue?

My colleagues partner moved back to his hometown after an acrimonious divorce - he drives a 5 hour round trip every other weekend to collect his kids and have them at his home for the weekend. He also has them half of all holidays and pays a bunch of child support. So your ex is just being crap.
My dad was like your ex. He came to visit regularly when my granddad lived nearby so he could collect me and stay there, but once my grandad moved abroad I saw my dad maybe twice a year. He also wouldn't take any annual leave to look after me during school holidays etc. He refused to travel down to collect me so my step dad used to drive me halfway and meet at a service station. Once I was older I travelled up by train on my own. We don't have a great relationship now for obvious reasons.

Agree with this

Don't blame the GF. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with a man who still visits his ex every 4-6 weeks, that's her choice

Your ex chose to prioritise his new relationship over his children. Blame him