His GF asked him not to visit our kids anymore

[Twinkiebinkieseven]

Hi all,

Just pondering. So the ex is in a relationship. His GF threatened to end things if he didn't stop seeing the kids at mines which he's been doing for the last few years about every 4-6 weeks. We only had this arrangement because he moved 3 hours away.

So now, the kids will see their dad a handful of times a year now.

I feel pretty angry about it TBF and can't believe he would choose her over his kids. I'm struggling to stay amicable. AIBU to think he's a terrible dad or am I unreasonable?
Fyi - I really don't care that he's in a relationship as he was a horrible partner but anything that hurts my kids, hurts me.

As an example: from Bingham (near Nottingham) to Winchester, is a 3h drive but if I want to catch a train at 8am on a Saturday, it will take me 4h and involve a change at Grantham and a tube across London (Victoria and Bakerloo lines).

That’s excluding any time for the parents to drive the kids to the train station - plenty of villages don’t have a station at all.

Gosh calm down people it was only a suggestion

If the children are going to have a relationship with him then people need to start thinking how that can happen instead of wasting energy attacking his morals - I mean yes that’s really going to help the children

Come to think of it why didn’t I suggest a flight?

My daughters fathers GF did the same she's insanely jealous of my daughters having attention from their father ,she's also deeply paranoid ile take him back as he was my husband. I left because he's a domestic abuser. It's got to the point the visits have been whittled down to 2 supervised visits a year with his mother , the GF over sees these visits and the last time stood arms crossed staring at my daughters while they interacted with their father ,then when they were due to stay at their house for the night with their nan over seeing the visit they arrived and the GF had booked her and dad a hotel and left nan with my kids and their baby for the weekend. They live 4 hours away from my kids. They got home from the hotel on the Sunday and my kids left to come back to Scotland an hour later. Sometimes these men aren't worth begging to be a dad ,leave them to the nasty peice of shit women just like them and protect your baby's is my advice. Sorry you all have to go through this. My kids dad's not even allowed our phone number or to call his kids in between the 2 visits a year and won't pay child maintenance. He also dv abused the new gf recently and broke her leg throwing her brother at her in a fight apparently she was pinching him so he pushed her brother and flung him into her. Kids are better off out these situations with strange relationships . Stay safe momma

Hey I’m the same my twat ex doesn’t see any of our kids or pay because he’s gf wears the trousers and our kids are all disabled also not that he cares at all had a baby with her and just forgot our children existed I have had so many rows in the past especially with her because she always gets all phone being mouthy saying he’s a wonderful dad hasn’t seen our kids now in 7 months !! Both twats

as a solicitor once said -off the record- he is basically protecting his shag ! Sounds really selfish of him to me, Ask him if a new fella was to move into yours would he mind if the children called him 'dad' then watch his reaction, you'll soon learn if its him that cant be bothered or if its her giving ultimatums because he had cheated on her and she suspects its with you x

Omg same he blocked me and she said it goes threw her after they was together for 3months gosh I laughed so hard 🤣🤣

He sounds delightful, let's take the fact he's moved away out of the question at the moment; there could be loads of reasons for that, but cutting time with your kids because the 'new' gf ask you - time to fuck her off, I can imagine how that conversation would have gone if it was ever asked of me -

My dad has never lived near me. Varied from an hour away to 4 hours away to being somewhere that required flying but he always had us every other weekend. Drove for up to 4 hours each way on a Friday to pick us up and then again on a Sunday to drop us off. Flew to get us and then flew back again. He didn’t once miss a weekend. Had us half of the holidays. A dad who wants to be in his kids life will make those sacrifices for them. Kids do remember and will know who was there for them. Yes they love him because kids are life in black and white but when they are adults they will remember this. Do your best as their mum and they will love you for it.

What an absolute tunt! I'm so sorry ❤

Your post remknded me of myself a few years ago so i know how you feel, confused, frustrated and annoyed.
As I'm seeing it, he's had it easy seeing the kids at yours, that may be because you don't trust him or he's incapable of having them alone. Either this girlfriend's ultimatum is fictitious or he's been referencing to staying at yours more than staying for the kids? and she's the jealous type ? ( either way it's wrong but she owes you or the kids nothing so ignore her input).
Sidenote, he may be working on her insecurities to control and shes made a comment that hes ran with to duck out of his obligations. Maybe I'm over analysing ;)
If he even contemplates seeing the kids as a choice he isn't worth a light, and you're not Air B and B.
He's had too much of his own way and it needs to stop.
Options as I see it, merely my opinion ...
Use the CMO for financial or he's going to play the girlfriend card again with money, it's not your fault he can't manage his money he is a father and if you can manage without it save it for the kids but do make him support you. (He financially abused you so to me not paying would be a further abuse in this regard)
Tell him to get a B and B or have a long day once a month with the kids for their sake, doesn't have to be bells and whistles; could be local woods, park, few games of footy and a picnic etc.
He must arrange his own contact with his children though, don't accommodate this for him it isnt your role. If you want to be cordial, suggest some free or low cost local things happening.
Keep every text and email in case you need it.
Good luck, you're doing a great job Mum

He's just a typical I dont want to be a dad! Kind of father! He is definitely blaming this on his GF as he doesn't have the balls to tell you he can't be bothered. My ex was the same and believe me it doesn't get any better .
He came up with every excuse in the book to not see his girls on a regular basis.
My girls have both grown up now and they don't want him in there lives. As they realise he never spent quality time with them.

Your clearly better off without him in your children's lives.

Children always work things out for themselves and it will be you who are there no1 fan.

Best of luck

The poor kids. An arsehole like him doesn’t deserve kids. But you already know this, and not much you can do about it now.
I guess the best you can do is make some excuse for the kids sake (maybe your 12 year old is old enough to know the truth) and FaceTime as much as possible. How hurtful for them.
lets hope he doesn’t have more children with his new partner.

I have to question the rationale that as he is travelling he gets to pay less maintenance - it was his choice to move not yours? And if he isn't coming as agreed, then the maintenance needs to go up to the correct amount - he can't have it all his own way.

To be honest I think your life may be simpler and calmer if you just accept it. He sounds like an awful father, an awful partner and frankly not worth the trouble for your children of having him in their lives. Sometimes having a father around is worse than having no father at all. Also sounds like sooner or later he'll give up on them so why not now and get it over with?

Well then you can just unagree, can't you? As there are no longer any travel costs. Contact CMS again.

What an awful dad, so sorry. Children should always come first.

But yet again on here, father is a total deadbeat waste of space and a load of women come up with ways that the mother can solve it.

No fucking wonder men get away with behaving like utter selfish cunts when apologist women fall over themselves to clean up their messes for them!

So go back to CMS with the message he sent about not seeing them at all, and get them to reassess now there are no travel costs. If it is the girlfriend who has instigated this then, insecure or not, they’re both to blame. Her for getting between him and his children and him for letting her.

You said your kids' father is a domestic abuser and his GF acts odd.

Has it occurred to you that these are linked?

He's screwing with the GF's head and in turn she is screwing your kids relationship with their father.

Remember you got away.

No he's completely to blame.

He can turn around to tell her to that he's seeing his kids and she can sod off if she doesn't like it.

However the OP already said he's a habitual liar so he's probably spinning the OP and his GF different tales blaming them both on not seeing his children.

Wonder what crap he's going to tell the 12 year old when the boy is 16 or 18?

Sounds similar to my situation. Father lives 5mins away. Youngest is autistic so has mood swings if overwhelmed or bored. He and girlfriend would have the kids every other weekend until they had their own kid together then she said she didn’t want my daughters autistic behaviour to rub onto their kid. All dad has to do is text to see them but doesn’t. End of day he has made his choice. Yes it is a rubbish choice but it’s all on him. Leave him a message to say to let you know when he wants to visit whether that be at yours or takes them out for day as long as he gives you couple days notice and that’s it. Ball in his court

Horrible situation for kids no matter what

What a bum, ds2’s ‘father’ is the same. He should be taking them out instead of you catering for him in your home. Probably a control aspect that he doesn’t want you to have childfree time and potentially meet someone new. Ds2 dad used to visit him at mine and even once said you can think again if you think I’ll have ds2 so you have free time to meet someone new. 🙄He disappeared a few months ago and despite the initial upset I felt for ds2, life has been much less stressful not having to deal with his demands.
Leave him to God, arseholes like them always get their karma served one way or another!

Oh I know he's making her worse but when they first met she put an immediate ban on any phone communications, he used to call the kids see how their school day was ...speak to them before bed etc . Before his mask slipped and he abused her he would have a lot more communications with his kids then he told me he was sorry he couldn't call any more she was making him delete our number. I'm happier to just keep the kids back now even from the 2 annual visits now I know he is back to being a violent abuser. They have their own baby now too and the gf wanted my kids out tje picture from the week they first met when they were in the honeymoon period so to say. Before his mask slipped. Any time he would call to speak to the kids he started being rude to me while she sat and laughed. Shes definitely been screwed over but she's also got a screw loose and not a maternal bone in her body. My ex mother in law is sick of looking after their new baby so they can get drunk and fight then sleep all day . Horrible life to lead, my kids are well out the picture and safer for it now.

Hope you're going to get the full amount now too as he's not travelling as much...