His GF asked him not to visit our kids anymore

[Twinkiebinkieseven]

Hi all,

Just pondering. So the ex is in a relationship. His GF threatened to end things if he didn't stop seeing the kids at mines which he's been doing for the last few years about every 4-6 weeks. We only had this arrangement because he moved 3 hours away.

So now, the kids will see their dad a handful of times a year now.

I feel pretty angry about it TBF and can't believe he would choose her over his kids. I'm struggling to stay amicable. AIBU to think he's a terrible dad or am I unreasonable?
Fyi - I really don't care that he's in a relationship as he was a horrible partner but anything that hurts my kids, hurts me.

My dad was asked to make this choice by a girlfriend.

And that is why we have no relationship. He made his choice.

Useless feck of a sperms donor.

Tbh I don't think he should be seeing the kids at your house, he should be taking them with him and spending some proper time with them where he has sole responsibility for them, not visiting them at your house.

Having read your updates I think you shouldn't be surprised if he stops seeing them, he seems to take the lazy option at every opportunity. His lack of prioritising whatever is needed to have proper contact with them suggests he doesn't actually have much love for them, or at least he has a lot more love for himself and his comforts. If you hadn't facilitated him visiting them at your house he probably would have stopped seeing them a lot sooner.

Does he sleep at your house @Twinkiebinkieseven? Is that the issue his girlfriend has?

I don’t understand why he’s seeing them at your house, he can drive the 3 hours to collect them and have then for a weekend at his? I don’t blame the new gf in not wanting him going to yours when he’s already cheated on her with you? The whole arrangement is a bit odd. Your kids are not tiny, he doesn’t need to be at your house when he sees them.

Impressed with your attitude to this whole situation. Sounds so frustrating.

Don't feel guilty about the child maintenance. If he stops seeing them it will be the ONLY contribution he's making. You might have a higher income but unless he's paying a high rent and you live rent free then he has a higher percentage of his income left over to spend on himself.

I think you need to say outright that it will break their hearts. He's a loser and he doesn't want to be a dad.

Having him in your house is not ideal so lean into him making any other arrangement. Make it clear its his choice and he can blame his GF but ultimately the decision to ditch his own children rests with him.

My son’s dad moved 2.5 hours away. He still drove down and picked him up every other weekend and took him back to his for the weekend. He never missed a weekend. He anlso ended a relationship with someone who wasn’t happy about our son going to theirs. And I genuinely think he’s a bit of a shitty dad at times!!! 😂
this is absolutely shocking.

I dont get how its concluded in him seeing them a handful of times?

Call him out on his lie! Show the girlfriend the message where he has asked this, if he's not out it in writing already, repeat it back to him so he has to say yes for example "so you really aren't going to see your kids as much now because your girlfriend has asked you to do this?". Then show her. If he is lying it just might dawn on her what a POS he really is. Plus whoever made the decision should be outed for it and made to be accountable. They should own their decision if they really want to go through with it.

It’s so sad for you and your kids. But you will keep on being their mother and he will sink into the background into his own self indulgent world and lose contact with his children over time . Believe me as a child with that experience he will look back in years to come and be full of regret whereas you will still have a family and your children will be ok. Not saying being on your own in the meantime will be easy or that it will be an easy path for your children. X

Show the girlfriend the message where he has asked this, if he's not out it in writing already, repeat it back to him so he has to say yes for example "so you really aren't going to see your kids as much now because your girlfriend has asked you to do this?". Then show her.

I don’t get the impression OP is on such terms with the GF where she would be showing her messages!

he wont be travelling(!) anymore so he an pay out more hes not out of pocket

doubt his escuse is even true

Unpleasant GF but coming to your home to visit kids is a bit iffy from her pov. Sounds as if you are still in a relationship. Suggest neutral ground for visits e.g. go out to somewhere equidistant between you.

A pity he's so useless, but there it is.

Absolutely disgusting ! Those kids deserve so much better. The worst thing about this entire post is 4% who think you’re being unreasonable. I think those type of women are the exact type of women who would behave in this way shameful.

may I ask OP, have you offered to drive them halfway and meet him so he can take them somewhere nice and then you meet you again to take them home? I don’t understand why he can’t have them at his house for a weekend once a month or during holidays for a few days etc. I guess i am asking, are you also making an effort on your children’s behalf or does your ex effectively have a 6 hour round trip for a few hours and he’s not allowed to take them to his place / take them out. Doesn’t feel like you are doing all you can to support the relationship between them and their father.

Not everyone drives and even if they do, given the Father moved 3hrs away from his own choice, the OP generously agreed to take less maintenance to accommodate his travel expenses to see the kids and now you want her to spend more money getting her kids over to see him.

She has been left with no practical daily support from the Father, she does not have him to call on when she is sick etc and it will drastically affect her social life, whilst he is living a single life, paying less maintenance to cover visitation costs, for visits he is not making and he has chosen his new girlfriend over his kids.

I think OP has been very accommodating. There comes a time when a person has to make a decision over what their priorities are and he has made it clear the kids are not his priority and she can only cover for him so far.

@Sally20099 are you mad? The dad moves away, pays less maintenance than he should to pay for travel he isn't doing, does none of the day to day parenting at all and you think the OP should do more to facilitate the relationship? I know, maybe she should give him a card for her bank account and hire him a chauffeur and a hotel. 🙄🙄🙄

This OP is being unreasonable by blaming his gf.

The subsequent posts confirmed this. He's using every excuse possible not to parent and see his own children.

Yes he is a terrible dad, my ex did exactly this and since being with her he has not seen his son in 7 years, waste of oxygen

Sounds like an excuse tbh. Just because it’s three hours away doesn’t mean he needs to be with them at you house he could take them out for the day

He obviously doesn't plan to keep up the visits so if he's no longer travelling then you should get the payments put up.

You’re not going to like what I have to say but here it is. She hasn’t stopped him seeing the kids - she’s stopped him staying at YOUR house. And rightly so! You admitted he cheated with you, why on earth would you do that to another woman? You knew he had a partner so shame on you. You’re just as bad in this situation and made it what it was so absolutely I would ban him from being anywhere near you in all honesty. The kids would be allowed to visit at his home or he could take them to a hotel/out for the day but absolutelyyyyyyy no staying with you. He is in the wrong also but it’s also partly on you and the girl is now just putting her foot down to a situation you both caused.