To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

@DemonicCaveMaggot why do you say it was patronising? It was nasty and I just don't understand why he wanted to be nasty.

Well I do, I believe he thinks IM being nasty wanting separate christmases

@ElatedShark I do get you completely but his culture IMO overshadows mine already - we don't do as many family gatherings with mine as his, we see his friends much more than mine (partly my friendship group is lore flaky but still) - his is all white! Most things are white!

So for him to accuse me of wanting my own Asian thing is odd and upsetting.

@WalkThisWay000 any tips on how we dissect how we got there? He is very difficult to see things unless they're logical he has a very logical way of thinking generally (which is what made the comment more bizarre!)

@ThatTealViewer I honestly don't think he has a problem with my family or am I being naive? I think there's more to it - whether or not he will tell me what is a different matter

@IdylicDay I've told him over other issues I feel the marriage is in trouble, he doesn't seem to take it seriously. I honestly don't know what's going on, if he has mental health depression from becoming a parent as he keeps saying how worried he is about lack of sleep

he keeps saying how worried he is about lack of sleep

Yeah, that's setting you up to do all the night feeds and early morning starts, unless you can produce 10 peer reviewed studies and a spreadsheet to prove you should share equally.

He sounds exhausting.

This sounds quite right. He went all the way out of order and you need a firm discussion as to what the hell thos means.

@OrchestralRemoversInTheDark I am doing night feeds because of breast feeding - but I am also aware that he once again needed me to prove something and had to ask HIS mom for the proof...(she has lots of experience).

Basically, I suggested is putting the baby in spare room from day one and take it on turns once on formula to sleep in the spare with it rather than have in our room so it doesn't get used to our room.

This, was apprently ridiculous and he won't be doing that as doesn't see why he should leave his bed and if anything we should just put the baby in the spare. If I want to do it I can.

I then start getting frustrated and clutch at straws tell him to ask his mum and pray she agrees with me, it's just getting so immature as someone pointed out and I feel I'm doing my head in circles trying to find solutions to our clashes. I don't think/know if he does the same but it often doesn't feel like it

Hi OP, I think this is actually really worrying from him. The last thing you need with a small baby is a vindictive, spiteful husband. And you really need to be united on race issues with a mixed race child.

I think you should sit him down ASAP and say you’re hugely concerned about his attitude towards you. Ask him if he realises it’s fundamentally important for the two of you to be united on race issues when raising your mixed race child? Wait and see what he says.

depending on his answer I’d also ask him a) Why on earth would he think you have a “race” problem when you married a white guy and get on well with/make an effort with his white family? B) why is he trying to upset his pregnant wife with horrible accusations? I would then keep completely quiet until he answers.

either way, you really need to get this resolved before baby arrives. Christmas is a red herring here, it’s a much deeper issue.

@Feelinadequate23 I despair this and explained why it's important for mixed race children. His response is he will let me deal with any race issues.

I just feel so depressed, lonely and quite sick

@anonymousxmasposter try again. If he says that, say "no, we need to deal with this together and we need to talk about it now, before the baby is here". Don't take no for an answer and if he still refuses, let him know this is a serious threat to the future of your relationship.

He was really unreasonable to accuse you of making some kind of division based on race. It’s fine if he thinks it would be better to have everyone together for Christmas, but why would he assume you have the worst possible intentions about this? It’s not fair on you if he thinks the worst of you like that.

@ChocolateTelephone I really just need to ask him and get to the bottom of why he jumped to that? I especially find it shocking as HE is the one that often runs away from race and feels uncomfortable by it and often say I put everything down to race (I don't feel I do, but like many POC race IS a feature of our daily lives!)

So for HIM to be the one to have said this in a nasty spiteful way, as it was 100 percent not a joke he said it angrily, I have no idea where it came from. He said sorry a few minutes later (but didn't specifically say for that comment)?but obviously sorry doesn't remove the deeper underlying issues.

I'm not convinced I'll get to the bottom of it but I'll try.

I feel really sad, really sad, alone and quite depressed.

Thanks to posters it's been really helpful actually, even ones who see how point of view too but I'm still left real saddened by this and crushed especially with a baby on the way.

It's just real hard at the moment and that was so unexpected especially after we recently had a big issue that we recently resolved and I felt I had really made progress in trying hard not to be argumentative and fix my flaws and this now just feels a big backwards step and slap in the face.

I haven’t said he has a problem with your family (although he clearly does). I have said he’s racist.

You have literally listed the racist things that he sad his family have said and done. You cannot have any conversations about race with him without it ‘ending badly’. Yet you decided to marry him and have a child with him. Why? And what impact do you think having a parent like him will have on a mixed race kid?

There's a lot going on here. But to focus on one aspect - I think you may be underestimating the intense feelings of pressure that can come with being an only child, especially with aging parents, and especially with the way you described his father. While your parents would miss you when not present, that is in no way the same as when the only child is missing and there are expectations upon that only child. If they are quiet already, can you imagine the lifelessness if your husband is not there?
You have been triggered by his race related comment, and he's triggered over Xmas. One of you is going to have to get untriggered to have a chance of discussing this calmly and seeing what's really going on for him - as you seem to understand why it's upset you, but not him.

Fix your flaws are you kidding? This man doesn't think logically - he just says whatever shit is in his head and then berates you until you go along with it and think it's all your falt. He's a common or garden misogynistic eg thinking all baby related activity is your domain.

So in my experience people who pride themselves on being logical (cough - DH) are often quite emotional when it comes to decision-making.

The race comment from him is shitty and I’d be following the suggestion upthread to ask him very directly why he’s making it about race. But I would not underestimate the impact on him of you having what sounds like a big, warm happy family.

My DH is from a tiny, divided and scattered family and is also an only child. He would hate me for saying this but he is obviously quite upset he doesn’t have a warm, involved, extended family to bring to the table, especially now we have DC. Sometimes he feels my family dominate - well, yes, they do, because there is no family really on his side to balance things out. Sometimes I think he transfers his hurt and resentment at his own family situation to my family (which is clearly unfair and he looked quite shocked and sheepish when I called him out on it).

And when there are two sides of the family with views as to how they like to celebrate things - well, that gets complicated too. Especially at Christmas.

So I would challenge him on race, absolutely - but I bet there is quite a lot going on here that is not exclusively related to race and it would be a good idea to try to unpick some of this with him before you have DC to consider (congratulations!).

This is spot on - as a child of only children, married to an only child, with a sibling married to an only child, I can confirm this is often true.

I would seek couples therapy from a therapist who is very well schooled in inter race relationship and those dynamics - clearly there is stuff bubbling under the surface and I think it would be helpful for someone who is expert to help you both air your worries in a respectful way.

This will only work if he is open to learning and listening and stretching out of his comfort zone.

Lots of racists can marry not white people sadly, just like most misogynists marry women

He seems to have an issue with your family being Asian and him being left out or different without his family there which is a unreasonable for him to express in the way he did. He jumped straight to that conclusion before thinking about the other differences you mention like age. You need to tell him how this made you feel.

We are a white family but I keep the families apart as they are both difficult and I can't handle them both at once!

In your case it might be nice for his family to be part of a livelier celebration but your husband could have said that rather than misinterpreting your intentions as he did.

How is it odd and upsetting when that’s exactly what you want.

You’ve stated over and over again, that you want YOUR families traditions. Not his. That’s fine but he’s allowed to express his opinion on the exclusion of his parents.

So how is he wrong stating that you want an Asian family Christmas! It might not be subtle…but neither is excluding his family under the guise of:……. they’re elderly…there’s no room….etc etc.

You want a traditional Christmas that reflects your Asian upbringing. You don’t want his parents upsetting this vision. So how is your husband wrong?

There is no way in hell I would of ever mixed my family with in-laws at christmas

I'm not sure he is which is what I find MOST upsetting as I've suggested this before,

Does anyone know anyone? Please PM me if so.

It's why I'm at a loss with it - I am willing to do what it takes but he just does some reason doesn't see he is capable of change