To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

I think she’s more concerned that she’s married a closet racist

Not even closet. From her comments, he’s not been subtle about it. She’s not addressing it, though. She has somehow been fine not bringing up race issues because they make him weird and uncomfortable and all conversations end badly. For almost a decade.

She decided that this was the man she was going to marry and have mixed race kids with. And now that it’s starting to go to pot, she’s astonished and asking ‘do you think he has a problem with my family?’ and ‘why would you say that my marriage to this man who does and says racist things might be a bit messed up?’

Being hurt and disrespected by your own husband MEANS your marriage is in trouble. To any thinking person.

And even if you didn't feel it was, you should say that to him just to shock him into acting.

I don't need to elaborate. My post was clear enough. You want to cause division and favour your own family.

Favouring your own family is understandable but then you should accept that your husband is not going to like that and will comment on it.

You also sound very controlling. If this was a man trying to boss everyone around and say oh but that ones old so they had better not come when there also young people around is really unpleasant.

It's not caring it's controlling, don't try and pass it off as such.

Did you miss that:

• her husband wants to go to his parents every year for Christmas
• agreed to rotate each year between parents but then bailed when it was OPs turn
• called OP racist
• called OP selfish for wanting to see her own family every other Christmas

OP is not the one who wants everything her own way.

OP, I'm sorry that you feel like you have to have evidence to be able to bring up any disagreements etc with your husband.

Do you feel like he just talks over you/ convinces you you're wrong if you don't have evidence?

What a joke post.

He's the one who's insisted on seeing his own family every year.

He's the one who finally agreed to take it in turns, but backed out at the last minute on the year he was suppose to see OPs family.

OP favouring her family my arse.

I don't understand how anyone who marry's a person of a different colour and culture can be considered racist. Can someone explain this to me, as while the DH in this scenario has made what appears to be a racist comment, how can he be racist if he's chosen to marry the OP, who is from a totally different race and culture?

Having just had an interesting conversation about this with my DH, we came to the conclusion that the OP's DH is NOT racist, but may struggle with her culture, or even her specific family's way of celebrating.

This would actually be no different to an English couple, coming from families who choose to celebrate in different ways, ie, one of the couple has been used to a 'Hampshire' Christmas (because they come from Hampshire) being about going to church, having a traditional roast dinner, followed by an afternoon walk, and presents opened at tea time, while the other partner's family, from Yorkshire, (please no one from Yorkshire take offence this is purely for demonstration purposes), start their day with Buck's Fizz, and continue to booze all day, ending up with a dinner which is ruined because the cook is too pissed to do the job properly, and a punch up to round things off. In this scenario, you would understand it if the person who is used to the more traditional church led Christmas, were to accuse their partner of wanting a "Yorkshire-only Christmas where we just do our own Yorkshire thing."

So while this whole post seems to have developed into it being a racist thing, it isn't that at all, but simply that he isn't keen on ONLY celebrating Christmas the OP's way, rather than them joining the two methods of celebrating, to make a new tradition for their own family.

Its racist becsuse it expresses bigoted and negative views towards an entire race. This isn’t hard. Racist views are not rare! And they are not just a harmless form of ethnic pride.

I think he deliberately chose a response that he knew would hurt you most.
He may have felt his family were being excluded but instead of discussing that with you like an adult he has tried to hurt you, bit of an arsehole

The same way that some men who are married to women are still misogynists.

I understand that. But that’s what’s implied. She stated that as a POC that she wanted one day to have her traditions are the forefront and not take a back seat.

Then why doesn’t she let her husbands family decide if they think they will be bored or not?

Shes going round in circles, looking for posters to back her up in not wanting his in laws there and make the husband look like the racist.

we’ve had:

• they’re old and won’t enjoy the day
• that There’s not enough room at the inn …for 4 extra people.
• that she can do a separate day
• Thats is all planned (we are weeks away)

But she’s removing the choice from the husband and his family.Why? Because she doesn’t want them there. End of.

Her reasons are her own and they ARE related to her families traditions and customs and not having to curtail them in anyway to accommodate others. Now that’s fine, but it doesn’t make the husband wrong. It makes what he said true. But the OP doesn’t like that because it then makes her look bad and not the husband.

Both the husband and OP sound extremely immature.

There are multiple posts explaining this and giving examples. As was previously stated, slave owners had long term relationships and multiple children with women who they didn’t even consider full human beings. People have given examples from their own lives of racist partners flinging racist abuse at them/their loved ones/their mixed race children.

Lots of people, particularly men, do not need to respect the people who they have sex with/marry/have kids with. It’s the exact same logic as a misogynist marrying a woman. It happens every day.

And the reason people think it’s racist is because OP’s comments include her husband saying and doing racist things. Even in the she states he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

So, what part aren’t you understanding?

OP you asked upthread why christmass is so triggering—and I wouldd add “why now” and I think the answer is obvious: it us because you are pregnant. He is realizing for the first time, viscerally, that you are taking over his mother’s place as “the mother” and hostess of celebrations. I’m n the future it us very likely that you both will continue to have major celebrations at yours rather than going to family. Plus if you split holidays and take the baby to your family then his parents “lose out” (see also single child, father with dementia, older smaller family).

He chose to lash out and frame the problem as one of race, using racism, because he fears that in the new bkended family he will be swamped and “lose out”.

The race accusation remains unforgivable, in my eyes. It should never have been in his arsenal and tool kit. But there is a ton of white british ressentiment around being displaced or pushed around or made self conscious about white privilige which is on display in this thread so its not surprising.

Late to this, but yes. YANBU

I grew up in a mixed race fam (my adoptive dad’s fam were Iranian asylees) and despite being muslim they love christmas (family and food!). Both sides of family tends to only come together for events that impact both sides - ie our wedding, christenings, our kids’ 18ths etc.

We have always tended to have my DH’s fam for Christmas because they 4hrs away, are aging, so visiting for 4 days is best for them. There have been the odd occasion where my dad/sisters came on Boxing day for lunch when my nephew/kids were young and it was practical (the kids went off to play) but usually they’ve come to us for NY so we’ve seen them separately. They all like each other, so no drama, but Christmas means different things to each family and is louder when everyone descends… no-one has ever played the race card.

So, no, it’s totally acceptable to separate the families from time to time, but your DH needs to interrogate his unconscious biases. I can absolutely see that his comment was hurtful and would definitely take issue with my own DH if he had ever made a similar comment about my family.

What part are you not understanding, that in order to fulfil her own families traditions and customs, she is choosing not to invite her husbands family because she doesn’t want them there to have an impact on her day.

If a host has people round, the guests don’t dictate how the day runs. The host does. She can run her day exactly how she wants, and still offer for his family to come round. It up to them to make the decision if they want to go or not knowing what’s planned for the day.

She doesn’t have to give up any of her traditions …at all! It’s simply a case of adding extras into it.

But she’s doesn’t want that, because she doesnt want his family there. She stated that as a POC that she wants a day to not have to make accommodations. Therefore her husband is pointing out that precise point!!!!

You are being hurt and disrespected. Anyone who tells you that you are “too sensitive “ just wants to firce you to deny your feelings. Why should you? You are the right level if sensitive—some might call it aware—for yourself.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. It sounds like you’ve thought what would be best for both sides of the family - quiet and calm for his (I agree that noisy, excited kids and teens could really be upsetting and uncomfortable for someone with dementia).

Is it possible that he’s a bit envious of your large, extended family, with being an only child? Maybe a sense of what he missed/is missing out on? Does he feel included in your family?

Id be very upset to be on the receiving end of comments like “ Doing your Asian thing”.

This needs a proper, calm talk to express how what he said comes across and what’s behind his comments and where you go from here about accommodating and respecting both your cultures and families. I don’t think your suggestion is at all unreasonable. It sounds sensible.

What does that have to do with my comment? The poster I responded to asked how someone who was racist could marry a POC and I responded. How does anything you’ve said relate to anything in said comment?

DH often makes your feel hurt and disrespected, is unable to sensibly discuss race, visibly shows he's bored with your family, changes things you've agreed on to your detriment, is petty and transactional, picks on the things likely to upset you the most... Whilst you're tying yourself in knots trying to please everyone - until you insist on something that benefits you and he throws his toys out of the pram.

@CovertPiggery yes every, single point and feeling I have often has to be backed up by solid scientific evidence for it to be upheld. Drives me nuts

@BruFord it would be she the first time.

I made it clear if it's joint he will have to help and to be fair he's good with that sort of thing and will genuinely pull his weight

@Openmouthinsertfood thank you, although we go to his family for dinner waaaaay more than mine and eat English roasts probably 40:1 so I don't think that could be it.

There definately isn't an overbearing prescnce of my culture over his.

Another poster said he likely reached for the first thing that would hurt me and I think that's right but I don't understand why he soooo vindictive over Xmas and do that to me.

There's definately more talking I need to do with him but talking about anything where I have been upset is such a big drama

@cannynotsay maybe he feels Xmas is lost but I have in no way done this, I often give in and prioritise his family through guilt of them being older and him being only child. So I still don't understand why my culture and traditions should take a further back seat and for him to call it out in that way when it honestly was not what was forefront of my mind

@DemonicCaveMaggot honestly, both sides would just say it's fine to be polite.