To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

@pikkumyy77 made an excellent suggestion.

OP, here is a free web version of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft: https://ia802200.us.archive.org/19/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf

Please read it. And then hopefully leave this awful racist man. Then, I’d highly recommend doing some reading on race and racial politics, and getting some counselling to work on your sense of self. But, first, read the above.

I think in fairness it's a stretch to think he was deliberately referencing a racist slogan but either way it wasn't jokey, he was commenting negatively on your racial background and your family, and it sounds like he's not treating you well just in general. You're not overreacting.

He can’t take any amount of accountability for the things he says or their effect. Its a fundamentally childish and destructive approach to an adult relationship. The only way this relationship continues is if OP agrees to make herself smaller and smaller to fit the box he wants to stuff her in. Its a terrible way to live and utterly unnecessary.

If he thinks you are a terrible person he should leave you: not punish you and verbally abuse you to get you back into line. Why doesn’t he just, you know, adore you? Love your cooking snd your family and your culture and your life experience?

Just sit with that a minute. Your husband should fucking adore you. If not: dump him and find someone sho does. Life is too short to enter yourself in the wrong competition. He isn’t the horse for you. This isn’t the race to run.

After reading the last few responses after my last post, please ignore my post. Yes, it’s possible to compromise over food palatable to both families, but I agree, your partner dismisses and invalidates your feelings and backs you into a corner, then decides you are over sensitive and over reacting. That is a tactic often used in emotional abuse as others have said.

This latest difference of wants and needs is just one that highlights the behaviour and attitude of your partner. This really should be something that can be sorted out in a way that both families spend time with you both. It’s been turned into his war and you aren’t able to win it as things stand. It’s not so much an interracial relationship problem, it appears to be a relationship problem. By default, whatever he doesn’t like, is put squarely onto your shoulders. You deserve a lot better OP.

@anonymousxmasposter

A few books for his Christmas present list
1) Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race
2) White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism
3) How To Be an Antiracist

Although quite frankly I wouldn't bother. He is still unwilling to listen and learn.

Perhaps he doesn’t want to go to his parents alone or just with you as it’s too boring, so his answer is to host them along with your (more fun) family so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about not wanting to go to them?

It is selfish though because you are most likely correct in that his family are more likely want to spend it more quietly.

You are overacting.

He is an only child and maybe he wants his family and himself included in a larger celebration.

Why exclude them?
Whole point of Christmas is young and old are together.

Why would you do two seperate celebrations?

But that’s exactly what he does want. He doesn’t want to alternate and give the ops family equal weight, so now that they are on an ops family year he’s changing the goalposts. His choice would be Christmas with just his family every year.

Well he wants to celebrate with his family and you want fun games and music with your family. It clearly means more to him and he has explained only child elderly parents.
Can you not understand his point of view?

Are either of you religious I.e go to church etc?

It clearly means a lot to your husband and for yourself it seem a just another day.

In which case I think you could be more considerate.

Op, have you said so are we agreed that we never have Christmas with just one family side? Or is that just a rule when I want my family? Also, re trying to make me happy, what are all the things you’ve been doing? (I suspect they are either very normal things you do too, or he doesn’t do anything, or they are things that make him happy)

you have a long and difficult road here having a baby with a man who thinks of you as lesser and makes it your problem whenever you get upset by this. It is hard to see it getting better.

We're both white British and I prefer to host our families separately as they are just very different types!

@Codlingmoths he says he loves integrating whether it be friends or family and he does genuinely do it a lot to the point where it annoys me general my. He will also invite random people or groups along to situations where it just completely changes the dynamic but he doesn't see it / he thinks the more the merrier

@LufthName does your partner get offended?

It doesn't help that DH says when he was younger both sides of the family would Xmas together.

I didn't sign up for joint family xmases and neither did my family.

I agree with this too.

My ex used to do the exact same by pretending his deliberate, spiteful remarks were jokes.

He wasn't joking OP. You know that and said yourself that he said it nastily.

My ex would also get angry when I would get upset by something unkind he did to me.

It's not how nice people react to the person they love.

You're not overreacting. He's just trying to get you to stop ever disagreeing with him so he can have everything his own way.

You can try tying yourself in knots to avoid him being horrible, but I know from experience that it doesn't work.

People like this don't change sadly OP.

I wouldnt ruin a relationship over one day.
Life is a Rollercoaster.
You will experience Many ups and down.
Happiness, stress, anxiety, and joy. All sorts.
It won't be easy. LIFE ISNT.Relationships need effort and work.

So I wouldn't stress about the small stuff.

If you accept that you do care and love each other and try to iron these things out.
It is one day and if you try a merged Christmas this year and it dont work. Next year do it separate?

It's not really about Christmas OP.

I think the bigger picture is how awfully he's treating you.

It could be a disagreement about what time you have breakfast or how you like your eggs.

The way he's spoken to you, lied about it and tried to convince you you're overreacting is awful.

It's in his favour if he keeps getting you tied up in the specifics or whatever the disagreement is so you don't focus on his behaviour.

I've been in that situation and it's so hard to see the wood for the trees.

Life doesn't have to be this hard though. With my now DH, I don't even have to think twice if I want to bring up anything. No walking around in eggshells.

You don't realise what a weight it is on you until you're out of it

He just doesn't want to leave his parents and granny alone at Christmas. I don't think that is difficult to understand. I imagine he realises that now you are going to be parents it will mean no more going to your own separate families for Christmas. This means either you just have Christmas as a three-piece, or everyone comes to yours for the day, or only one side does as per your suggestion. Understandably he feels it is unfair and feels guilty that it is his family who is being left out because there are so few of them.

Maybe it would be best to make this the last year you go to your separate families and start a new tradition of it just being the three of you together on Christmas day with visits to both your families around it.

No one is saying it's wrong to want to see your family at Christmas.

The crux of the matter is how abhorrently he has treated OP.

@Gummybear23 as it's babies first year I doubt that will work. God help if we don't get baby round his parents for the first year, the list will go on I'm sure...

Leaving his race comment out of the equation (which obviously needs addressing!), was your suggestion to have all your family round for Christmas Day and to see his on a different day?

I can see why, as an only child, that would upset him. Would his parents be alone?

Whats happened on the other 8 Christmas days since you’ve been together?

I think as an only child he feels scared about letting down his elderly parents.

I think the anxiety is making hom say silly things.

Honestly, you have created a child who both families will adore.

I see it as only one day.
And his family are small.and elderly.
So it won't be every Christmas.

Make the most of time you have.

💯 this

@Shinyandnew1 we used to go on holiday when he was younger he cared much less about his parents. Then we went through faze of doing both on one day. HE got tired of that saying it's too much so we said we will rotate each year.

When it came to my family's year he said no, so I said stuff it I'm going anyway and now quite often we either go separate or, I go to his family

@Shinyandnew1 yes his parents would be alone pretty much

This is typical behaviour when people are younger. Being less bothered
But as he has grown up he see his parents being on their own and elderly.

I think theses are fine qualities. Would you not be more worried if he said he didn't care if he saw them and spend time with your younger family without a thought about them?

Statiscally they have less time left and he is an only child.
Allow him to make memories.