Husband picking au pair up from airport

[Wanttokeepmyprivacy]

Husband did the 3 hour round trip this eve as au pair went home for a few days. I am going through cancer treatment and I had another operation on Friday, discharged yesterday. Husband is a wonderful man but I know he is knackered. Au pair is a 21 year old stunner who is also a really lovely girl but I can’t help think she is young and fit and can make her own way from the airport and it’s not late at night. And my hubby could have spent the evening looking after me and the kids, or even relaxing rather than be a taxi driver for her. AIBU?

@JolieFilleCommentCaVa
I honestly don't understand why you are getting so upset at the idea that an adult woman who has been on holiday should be expected to make her own way back to her place of employment. Surely that's what adults do?
I don't know whether the au pair had the cheek to ask her employer to leave his ill wife to pick her up or whether he actually offered the lift. If he did offer the lift then any decent person would have not accepted it knowing that it would mean his ill wife being left to look after the children when she was recovering from a recent operation.

Don’t worry about me, I’m not upset at all.

I’m just baffled at all the comments towards a 21yo woman (who will have absolutely no idea this thread exists) berating her for her looks, age, having “the cheek” to ask for a lift and “taking a husband away from his ill wife”.

You seem like the type that will blame this au pair rather than the husband for his wife’s upset. Which tells me everything I need to know.

I'm not a " type" . I'm a person.

I do think asking for lifts is cheeky. I've never in my whole life asked anyone for a lift. So it is nothing personal against the au pair . I think the same of anyone who asks for lifts.

And yes it was the DH who made the decision to leave his ill wife. So yes I think the fault lies with him for doing so.

I've never once mentioned the au pair's looks. As far as I'm concerned they are irrelevant.

But however the lift came about, whether solicited or offered, I think it was the wrong thing for the DH to have done.

long time reader, first time poster, responder. Considering what you’re going through, I feel compelled to respond. I’ve dealt with a lot in my family, including chemo, bereavement. One coping mechanism has always been just getting in the car and driving. For the half hour/hour etc it may have taken to do the journey, listening to the radio, its escapism. That’s what it might be for your DH, nothing more. In addition, I’m not young and my Dad still picks me up from the airport if he can.

How is this being "a taxi driver"? If you would've paid for a ride service for her, then presumably he didn't charge her for the lift?

Almost certainly she could have found her own way from the airport and even paid herself, regardless of how she looks. But I wouldn't have expected her to turn down his apparently willing offer of a lift, nor to see anything odd or inappropriate in his offering.

If he did offer the lift then any decent person would have not accepted it knowing that it would mean his ill wife being left to look after the children... LOL, how is the 21 year old au pair - who, by virtue of her position is basically supposed to be treated as a daughter by the host family - an "adult" but the married father of two is not? Is his penis rapidly subtracting years from his mental age or something, so he can't (1) realise he shouldn't be driving to the airport and back and (2) say so?

As would mine. I’d pick them up too at 55 and 59!

Well done to you for never having the cheek to ask someone for a lift. Honestly, really well done, gold star for you 🌟

None of us on this thread know if the Au pair asked for a lift or not. So it’s irrelevant to speculate and berate her “cheekiness”.

I've never once mentioned the au pair's looks.

I didn’t say you did. But plenty of others have. As a whole, I find the comments from many women on here towards her baffling. Not just from you.

She is a young woman who lives with you and takes care of your children. Your husband took her to the airport. That was a thoughtful thing for him to do and what I would expect DP to do in the same situation for a young woman who I trusted and liked enough to look after my family. It was three hours, not a six day trip leaving you to manage your home life alone and his children to forget him. Come on OP.

I could imagine my DP doing this. He’d undoubtedly fancy the au pair and assuming the picture you’re painting he’d enjoy being the gentleman to an appreciative young lady & light conversation. But that’s it, I wouldn’t think there’d be any more to it. If I’d said “hey stay here I need you / anything implying jealousy” he would and would deny any lustful thoughts. I would be hurt he’d think to do it though. This sounds like where you’re at. You didn’t however ask him not to, you’re just hurt that he did. I think picking a fight about this as you say you’re both drained would be silly & his reaction will be that he can’t undo it and deny any wrong doing. In future if he suggests something that will upset you, say before.

It is too late to worry about now.
The time has passed where you could have communicated directly with the au pair about how she will get back to your home.

You and your husband, when he asked whether he should pick up the au pair from the airport, should have discussed the pros and cons of doing so then.

You are sick but you should still participate in decision making.

Do not neglect how you feel, and if you would like TLC, help etc from your husband. It's okay to be more needy while going through Cancer treatment.

No excuse for discrimination.

If you have personal issues, you need to deal with them.

The same as you’d have to if you worked alongside someone better looking than you.

The op has mentioned he doesn't pick her up after hospital appointments because he's always working. Good of him to find time to pick a young capable woman.

It is good if him to find the time to pick her it's a shame he can't find time to pick her ups after hospital appointments. The op needs support too.

Find an older nanny they are there if she is not making you happy. You have to use your time to recover and you have to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You have to make sure physically and mentally you are happy.

My thoughts exactly.

She is going through cancer treatment. Has just had an operation within 24 hrs of the airport pick up. Even if it were a daughter, a sensible person would say take a train or uber and we will pay, and prioritise the wife who is likely in pain from the operation and feeling vulnerable from the cancer treatment.

Exactly. And more than the au pair. Am surprised so many think this is ok. WOULD they really br OK with this if they were ill and had just had an operation? I feel people are trying to prove themselves confident in their relationships because op said au pair is a stunner.
Op, have a calm discussion with your dh about yout needs for support and priorities.

So would mine.

It sounds like you are having to go to the hospital etc on your own most of the time, as dh cant spare the time - but she clicks her fingers and suddenly he has the time to do something time consuming and inconvenient that can easily be done by someone else.

Yes, I would feel the same.
This not about the au pair.

This is about the lack of support, the lack of care - you are the cancer patient and mother of small children, wife and employer here and the one in greatest need of support and you are not being adequately cared for.

Please tell dh he needs to make time to take you to some appointments, and that you need more reassurance because you feel ghastly and sad. Be honest about your needs op. You deserve to be treated well. Especially at the moment.

Good luck with your operation - what a challenging time with such young children 💐💐

If it was the first time she arrived or early hours of the morning then fine, but as it stands he should be prioritising you. Some men have a strong drive to be the nice guy that dies away somewhat when it comes to their own family.

Hearing that her DH needs to escape from her may not be that helpful to the OP right now. Sure he has his emotional needs too but she JUST had her operation and should not have been left to look after the kids solo unnecessarily.

I was once young and hot. I had no interest in middle aged men with sick wives. Moral reasons of course but just saying I had a lot of other options and would not have been interested in anybody married. Why would I want to take on some cheating creep with a wife and a family? Attractive young women have lots of options that don't include your husband. I have never even considered the relative attractiveness of the various cleaners we have had in over 30 years of marriage.

If your husband is a lovely man he would have offered her a lift regardless of how she looks. DH has offered our middle aged cleaner lifts (she’s amazing and we are grateful to have her). It’s a few hours, you feel awful and also vulnerable right now so it’s hitting you hard but he’s not done anything wrong.

Ah I see, he should have been picking you up from appointments. I think this is more to do with you not feeling cared for I think than your au pair as such. You don’t expect him to put himself out for you but he put himself out for the au pair. It’s ok to expect to be cared for, it’s not asking too much.

I think DH would expect to pick me up or drop me off for appointments if I were receiving cancer care even if it meant he was really pushed.

Don't agree. I think you should get a different aupair. Obviously you are in a vulnerable stressful difficult position and this is just adding to your stress. Even if there is no rea son to believe anything untoward is going on. You aren't happy with the situation.