To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

It sounds like my idea of a nightmare! Get them to book a Airbnb or premier inn. As I mentioned on another thread, we are spending Christmas with our children and grandchildren. We booked a hotel a week ago and I think they had plenty of rooms left . We will make sure not to get there too early.
I just don’t think you can put up another 7 people. Where are they all going to sleep? They could travel on Christmas Day.

Why, it's only November

You know it won't work so don't agree to it. They should get somewhere to stay nearby, it's rude to invite themselves - Xmas day is enough!
Another time maybe they could host and you could get accommodation near them.

I think this is way too much! We do have some Christmases now where everyone piles in on Christmas Eve and Boxing day, but no way we would have done that when all the kids were still getting Santa presents. That would be bedlam surely!

Our Christmas is so low key now the kids are older, but when they were younger, absolutely not. It also sounds like they are people you will have to actively host, rather than being able to say "dinner is at this time, sleep where you fall!", so that would be a big fat no from me.

I’ve made it quite clear to my Dh that I won’t be walked over to keep his family happy. They live 2.5 hours away- they can be mardy or the women he lives with can be VERY mardy, take your pick.

In awe you have all 7 stay a few times a year

Do they all usually sleep on floor in living room

Or you have one spare bedroom ?

Either way too much Xmas eve

Leaving theirs at 10 ish and to you for 1230 or 11 and 130 for dinner at 2 etx - sounds fine

And then All stay Xmas day /night and go home Boxing Day afternoon

Or

They come Xmas eve and 2 nights in b&b ans just day time at yours

No. Christmas is a time for traditions and there will be clashes in what you both do (stockings in rooms or under tree... Open presents before or after breakfast... What is brought by santa and what by you...chocolate for breakfast or smoked salmon...the list goes on).

The clash will make everyone miserable, especially your family if theirs tends to dominate. And it will ruin it for your children.

So rude of them to impose on you!
YANBU at all
It's a bit rich for DH to say they will be Mardy if they don't come, but his priority should be you and your DC
Could you message and say after thinking about it, staying Christmas Eve isn't possible but they would be welcome for Christmas lunch?

I like @JustinThyme 's response.

If they moan about it I'd also say that the reason it has to be like that is because of the the way that cousin bullied your dc earlier in the year so now it just needs to be a short visit to see if that works for everyone.

If they complain further point out that they are lucky to come at all after what happened - they are welcome to stay at home if they want.

I'd also say that you already had plans for Christmas Eve the you don't want to change (doesn't matter that it's just having nice quiet family time together!) if they demand more you don't need to tell them what it is but if they figure it out and say that you can easily change those plans, just say no, we don't want to, we have chosen what we want as a family Christmas, you're lucky that we are acceding to your demands for Christmas Day, we are not going to spoil two days when we only have limited time off over Christmas.

Your husband doesn’t want to upset his Mother,but is happy to upset you! Blimey this gets worse every update.

that's a LOT of extra people to host. being willing to host them Christmas day and evening, they should be grateful for. I agree entirely, they should stay nearby, do their own morning, then come over lunchtime. expecting Christmas Eve too is too much.

just because you can PHYSICALLY fit them in both nights doesn't mean you can mentally fit them in for more than one night

not really. there have been occasions in my life we drove to my Nans house in North Wales from Surrey on Christmas morning. myself and my cousin bundled in the backseat of a mini, with our stockings, my Mum and Auntie in the front.
it was LONG and not the best way to spend Christmas morning, but we did it. we had our stockings, and books, and the stockings had things like puzzle books and travel games in them to keep us amused.
it's not what I would choose as an ideal Christmas morning, but we were fine. we still had a nice Christmas.

I can’t believe pp are telling the OP to suck it up when the mil/sil combo will dominate and the cousin is a bully and they’ve invited themselves. Time to put the foot down and get them to stay elsewhere. And pp saying just leave your own house to give your dc a break from them?! Just no! I’d definitely be playing the ‘WHO can be the mardiest’ game!

This!

Just keep saying no.

I’d never ever agree to this. We have seven coming over for Christmas, but we invited them and nobody is staying Christmas Eve. 2 might stay on Christmas night.

that said you’ve clearly had them all over before so presumably ILs think you’re all right with it. Still very very rude of them to invite themselves though. Who on earth has space for seven to sleep over? Nobody i know.

but the fact that your DCs find the cousins too much is what would make it a straight no for me, at christmas. If you’re willing to have them for dinner and on Christmas night that is very charitable IMO.

dh needs to stick up for you and say “sorrry we bave specific plans for Christmas Eve but you’re welcome to turn up for Christmas lunch”. Yes MiL may well be mardy. Tough

Ps if staying elsewhere is not an option
driving up xmas morning is totally fine. Always quiet roads etc

YANBU - you didn’t invite them and they don’t have space. Plus it’s just nice when people don’t respect your wishes in your own home and take over.
i do think you need to think about how this will impact future Christmas’/ family events though - do you go to MIL/ SIL’s? What happens there - does everyone stay over? They may think you are a CF if you don’t put them up but then expect to stay at theirs.
And I think if you go for air bnb then the price should be split between the 3 families - as the accommodation is to enable a family gathering. Then if staying at air bnbs becomes the norm for other family events/ Christmas’ it is always split between you all and is fair. I say that as I am the childfree couple in DH’s family - at gatherings at his folks we always have to stay in hotel as it’s decided that’s more important for the GC to stay at their grandparents - meaning every gathering costs us a few hundred quid whereas his brother and sisters families get free accomodation every time. Splitting the costs of accomodation and any taxis needed between everyone is the fairest way if the host is unable/ unwilling to put everyone up.

And I think if you go for air bnb then the price should be split between the 3 families - as the accommodation is to enable a family gathering.

Even though they invited themselves??!?

MIL is the type to wnat everyone to pile in together and just sleep on floors etc, she has happy memories of similar with her cousins etc many years ago but we have never really liked it and our DC were not happy about it and everyone ended up tired and cranky so we stopped.
We will be driving to SIL's on Christmas Day late morning and coming home in the evening, no matter how many blow up beds MIL keeps telling us she has ready!

Probably those who dominate themselves or think it’s perfectly fine because it’s Christmas and Christmas is about family even those who disrespect you in your own home.

It is not too late to stand up for yourself. Them having to make alternate plans is not your concern.

Their shi**y behaviour deserves consequences and here it is.

To keep the peace at this point yes I do think so. Like I said in my last postOP needs to consider how her decision will impact future family Christmas’/ events and how the in-laws accommodate her family. if OP is going to ask family to stay on air bnb when they come to hers. It’s likely they will do the same to her family -splitting the bill shows compromise and avoids her family footing expensive air bnb bills for other family events if MIL puts SILs family up and not hers. As other posts have pointed out - OP can put the whole family up - as she’s willing to do that for Christmas Day- she just doesn’t want them there Christmas Eve so it’s not as easy as saying there’s no room at all.

That's quite the leap 😂 no, I don't dominate, but I'd be happy to let people take over Christmas dinner cooking for sure 😂

I would totally take it as an opportunity to sit back and leave dh to his family. Let them all take over. How is that a bad thing?

But OP has dripfed the bit about the bullying. That certainly puts a different spin on things.

Maybe because she doesn’t want that and has had to put up with it for years.

It may be nice for you and others but it is obviously not for OP.

This is a good point but also maybe it’s an opportunity to change the status quo. Maybe the OP doesn’t want to visit them so often either, and would rather stay in an air bnb/hotel and have more peace and privacy when they visit.

I think there’s a sense about Xmas that you must keep to tradition and keep things going, but perhaps now is when they force a change and make a bit more space. (I say this as someone going through similar and trying to carve out a bit of distance)