To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

Firstly, YANBU. I'd say you want a quiet Christmas with ONLY you and your husband and kids at home this year. Put your foot down.

Secondly, 5 times a year for 3 days? Wtf? That is batshit crazy and you should nip that in the bud. I don't understand this weird UK thing where if you live longer than an hours drive away, you need to stay over somewhere. It's batshit! Many families where I live drive 2.5 to 3 hours each way there and back on Christmas day or for a day visit, with no need to stay over. And no one thinks anything else of it, it's just considered the done thing. WHY do they need to even stay over for one night, let alone 3? FFS, it's only 2.5 hours, not like an 18 hour drive. And they're not coming off a long flight! Surely one of them will be sober enough to drive back?

I truly don't get it. I don't get UK's weird obsessive need to stay over if the drive is longer than one hour. Are people there lazy or just don't like driving? Or something? I'd put the visits during the year at a MAXIMUM, that is absolute MAXIMUM of one night stay over. Start from next year and start as you mean to go on like that. Anything longer than that is not justified. Fuck, it's like as if they're visiting from another far flung country, and not merely only 2.5 hours away. Utterly bizarre.

There are only 4 of us not 7 and when we visit people now we nearly always stay in an Airbnb or hotel. Its just easier for everyone

Do you live here?
My BIL is from another country and felt the same but when he moved here he can see why. He will still drive for way longer than we would but can now see why we do it! A 2.5 hour journey can easily turn into a 3.5 one with traffic. And who wants to spend 6/7 hours in a car on one day? It’s so much nicer knowing you can relax and stay there well into the evening and not have to pack up and drive home the same day.

I think DHs family don’t appreciate what you go through with all the other visits that aren’t even Christmas. Is it always at yours? In principle I like people visiting and we have room. However, its exhausting and thats even if you want to do it and have reasonable guests.

Aside from Christmas for your family, pretty sure OP also wants a rest from work for a few days!! Not days cleaning and shopping, before and after, plus getting upset with annoying guests.

I can see how this has become a norm for them to all pile in your house. Also entirely unacceptable and I would be kicking off BIG TIME until my DH sorted this.

It’s his problem to solve. He should be posting.

This x 100000

Good for you if you enjoy it. Most people I know wouldn't even consider it as an option !

If you can afford it, I'd pay for an Airbnb for them! Or split the cost with them and be honest that the mess stresses you out but you'd like to see them for a couple of days.

What?! Why on earth should she do that?! They’ve invited themselves, super cheeky, although OP says they stay 4/5 times a year at hers, so the expectation is there, but why on earth should she pay for their accommodation? There are 7 of them!

I quite like the idea of hiring a big Airbnb for everyone, costs divided by 3. We’ve done that previously with family, plus 3 dogs, there just isn’t the room at anyone’s house-I agree with actual bed, bedroom, proper chair/space at the table-no airbeds/people and their crap all over the lounge etc, it’s just too chaotic and puts far too much pressure on one person/family.

When our kids came along all of this nonsense stopped. I didn’t care whose nose I put out of joint. We stay home in our pjs and enjoy a lovely day. Anyone who wants to see the kids comes in the morning then they leave. They sort themselves out and make their own arrangements. Christmas is always busy, DH birthday in the 21st and 29th is DS and the hectic mess of Christmas in between. I never feel like it’s an actual break for me and DH so we do us and set firm boundaries.

OMG - not just blow up beds right next to the Christmas tree but 7 lots of bedding and towels to sort and fights for the bathroom... The dynamics sound awful, too. YANBU and your DH has a screw loose.

I think it’s rude of your DH to not see where you are coming from, and to let his family dictate what his wife should agree to!

Tbh it’s pretty shit that your husband is happy for at least your eldest (and you) to have a crappy Christmas just because he can’t say no to his Mother.

You’ve offered a compromise of Xmas day night - for the life of me I can’t see the appeal of having them stay full stop so I’d consider that a stretch!

However you get the message across, I’d definitely make it clear that you just don’t have room to offer accommodation for this number of people but would happily prepare Christmas dinner this year. Perhaps add that maybe you could all rent a large Air BnB the next year you are all due to be together and share the costs!

id never expect to stay at my sons house for xmas or any other time as got children and xmas day is busy for them we have had them here for nibbles and to open presents but never expected to go there and children want to be at home and play with their presents .they are a family and its their time ive never pushed myself on them . before children we did xmas together but now its their time dont get me wrong would love to share xmas with them but would never expect them to invite us .this year will be different for us as my husband lost his mam and his sister is alone so share xmas with her so no one is alone

Don’t you and children have other plans this Xmas

Put your child first and say no, to all of it. Let the poor kid enjoy their Christmas.

4 or 5 3-day visits a year is already way too much!

I would just say they are welcome for Christmas Day for lunch but you just don't have the room for them to stay. I wouldn't want 7 ppl staying all over the floors without room.

'We have plans for Christmas Eve, but are looking forward to seeing you on Christmas day ... aiming for lunch at two, so you'll be very welcome from 1pm onwards'.

That's it. Job done!

You just said your own out… sickness bugs are quite common at Christmas time.. but I guess I’d run it past your husband first and get a feel for how he feels to in this situation. If he really wants to spend Christmas with his family as well I’d for one year bite the bullet and have a one off Xmas (Make it a bit shit so they don’t come back..) if your hubby is dead against them coming over to, then you both can say no, or more so he can say no.

we are looking forward to seeing you Christmas morning and celebrating together

They only live 2.5hrs away and need to stay for 3 days?
Why?

So you think the ds should accept being bullied and have a miserable Christmas to make his bully happy he can bully, and the dh family happy they can observe the bully happily bullying?

No it is not being rude. Your husband should back you up not yield to his family all the time. Sod that! Think of yourself and your sanity aa no other bugger is!

Tell your husband that you and the kids can get an air bnb, and have a lovely quiet Christmas, while he deals with his family at your house, because you don't want yours or your kids Christmas to be ruined.

Totally agree and the traffic is much lighter on Christmas Day.