To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

“You’re welcome to visit for Christmas! If you can arrive between 1 and 2:30 on Christmas Day that would be fine; we’ll serve dinner for 3ish. What do you like for Boxing Day breakfast? We’ll need to say goodbye around 12 ish as we’ve got plans in the afternoon.”

Nope, I'd just put my foot down. The cheeky bitch thinks she can land another 7 people into the OP's house all Christmas?? Just no!

If she takes the hump it would be a bonus.

So your DH is happy for you to be miserable at Christmas so as not to upset his mother and sister, a couple of individuals who will take over your home and make you uncomfortable and unhappy in your own home. Oh, and they come with 2 additional adults and 3 children. For you to cater for.

Hard no.

It's your home, too. It's your Christmas, too. And you deserve to enjoy it, too.

They've invited themselves; you're not backing out of something that you offered. Your husband needs to say no, not happening this year.

As another poster said, why is your child being allowed to bully your son. If this was my child, visits of any kind would be off the table while this kind of abuse was happening. Why should your son’s Christmas be ruined to appease what sound like a bunch of twats. Your poor son having to have his bully staying with him regularly. For the love of Christmas don’t have them even for lunch. Tell the inlaws you have thought about it but realised not fair on son and not desirable this year. If you want to be polite say you were caught off guard and have changed your mind.

but honestly op why are you allowing your son to be bullied at all, let alone in his own home?!

I think you either let them stay 2 nights or not at all because you can't claim you don't have room on Christmas Eve if you magically have space on Christmas Day. If they can find accommodation locally, why can't you host them Christmas Eve until a set time then from 10am Christmas morning perhaps?

And your husband sounds awful for pressuring you into lots of work hosting people who are horrible to his son and wife.

Having 7 extra to Saturday Xmas eve is a firm no

They can drive up that morning - side kids would like Xmas eve in own bed so fc can visit

Then stay in air b&b

Or drive home

Tbh I wouldn't have agreed to host them at all.

It would be so much better if they stayed elsewhere and we all had our own space. They think that’s rude though and would be really offended if we asked them to stay elsewhere.

Their wants and needs do not trump yours, OP

This would usually by my response but in this case I think it would allow MIL and SIL to take over even more and regard DH as hard done by.
I enjoy having visitors but with me in control of who and when and for how long. Christmas is one of the few times many parents and children can have time off together so some of it needs to be downtime.

It's not just for her husband's family either.

Clearly her own children don't enjoy it that much

And your child’s - the bullying thing would mean I wouldn’t host them overnight at all. If they want to come down they can find somewhere to stay nearby and come for lunch and separate the kids.

Tell them that you're not hosting them as you will not allow your child to be bullied in his own home. They can take the little bully elsewhere.

Your husband wants to make his own child's Christmas miserable? I've never heard the like

So the bullying thing came to a head in the spring and we all sat down and addressed it. Since then, it’s been a lot better, but ultimately, they’re v different children with v different personalities and my eldest just finds them draining. They’re very dominant and bossy and my eldest is naturally quite quiet and submissive. There’s no outward bullying anymore, but the eldest like I said, is just bloody hard work to be around and my
eldest just doesn’t enjoy their company.

If he would rather upset his wife and child than his mum and sister, you have a big problem.

You have them four or five times a year for three days each time!!!!! You are a saint.
And they only sprang them coming this week! Stick to your guns on only having them from Christmas Day lunchtime till Boxing Day, as soon as is decently possible after tea head to your room with alcohol, a big box of chocolates and possibly your older child and chill.
Take the chance during planning to say that going forward as the children are all getting older they will have to stay in an Airbnb, spend the day with you but head back after evening meal. We do this at my DD, we probably all get on better for it. Plus I get to play houses in some amazing properties!

He doesn’t want the ill feeling basically which I get, but I don’t want the stress of having them all here Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day morning.

So you need to make him realise that pissing you off will be much worse than pissing off his DM and DS.

It would be so much better if they stayed elsewhere and we all had our own space. They think that’s rude though and would be really offended if we asked them to stay elsewhere.

Not half as rude as inviting yourself and bringing 6 other people with you!

And there's no way the shitty horrible cousin would be staying at all if they bully my child. Why are you allowing this to happen? Shitty cousin gets the message that he/she can do what they like and your child gets the message that his own parents don't care what happens to him in their own home. That poor child.

Tell MIL and FIL they can stay but SIL and BIL can stay elsewhere with their horrible brat as you're not putting up with their bullying behaviour again.

Ahh I hate it. Horrible having so many people around. I'd cancel the whole thing, they expect too much.

Why can’t they get accommodation? Hosting 7 is too much.

I wouldn't want my kid to feel uncomfortable or drained by other people's behaviour in their own home. And I acknowledge that this isn't particularly rational but I'd feel even more strongly about that over Christmas.

OP, please put your foot down. They can fuck off completely with their rudeness. No visit at all. Even that many times the rest of the year is insane. If your DH doesn't like it, he can fuck off to their house for Xmas.

How much of the hosting does DH do?
If he prepares the house, makes up beds, does all the shopping & cooking & cleans up & puts the house back in order once guests have gone, then I think yabu to not just put up with it (whilst keeping a close eye on any signs of bullying/harrassing). You could take your DC out of the way whenever it gets a bit much “just off for a walk”.

However, if he expects you to host & has no real idea what it all entails, then you get to choose your guests & he can tell his family that their plans really don’t work for his family & they need to decide on an alternative plan. If they are Mardy, so what, they are mardy 2.5 hours away. He’d rather upset the family he lives with than the ones he moved away from?

This would be a big NO for me. How on earth can you set everything up for your kids if the lounge is full of people on blow up mattresses?

On top of that.. the SIL gives her kids A LOT... how would that work? 1. How will she even get the presents to OPs house? And 2. How shit would it be for OPs kids to see their cousins get loads more than them?

Christmas Day arrival is fine... Christmas Eve absolutely not! Everyone should stay in their own house (or hotel or airbnb) for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning then get together for dinner.

So they invited themselves? Wow how rude.

Tell them it's a no for Christmas Eve. End of. You don't want it- don't have it as you have a choice too. Show your eldest you won't stand for them making the decisions about the most special day of the year!