To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

I'd be saying no.
We're also doing similar to you on Christmas Eve and don't want plans messed up so we're driving to my husbands family Christmas day morning and they also live 2.5hrs from us, we'll go after breakfast then head home dinner time on Boxing Day.
Roads are deserted Christmas Day so it's a good run, don't see why they can't do the same to get to you.

Just say no, tell them it’s too much for your family to cope with.
I am sure there are Premier Inns nearby.

This doesn't sound like bullying. It sounds like he's putting his foot down because he wants to see his family at christmas, which hasn't happened for over 3 years. If the tables were turned, the responses would be very different

Has your DH sorted this yet?

The bullying is referring to the nephew bullying OP’s eldest child, not her DH.

I would not have my child bullied in their own home, their safe space. It’s really good for children to see boundaries in action and compromise. It’s also good for them to see when to push back and just say no.

Families where people (mostly) get along usually do want to see each other and look forward to it somewhat, people put up with some compromises at Christmas but Christmas Eve sounds like it should be kept for the OP and immediate family only. (I wouldn’t have them at all but I can see that @HelenHen you are very in favour of it. Are you fortunate to have very nice relatives?!

It’s very unfair to expect to land yourselves on someone over Christmas like that and expect you to go along with their plans to plan your Christmas, hosting dinner is stressful enough, there’s no way I would agree to this, it’s your Christmas to do as you please with your children. Put the boundaries in place if they don’t like it tough let them host. The audacity of some people. Enjoy your Christmas with your kids they don’t stay small for long…

It would be a sorry no can do from me , who invites themselves that's so rude. I have mil every Christmas since she became a widow , she's never stayed over because she lives close enough to drive herself. She's no hassle and I wouldn't mind her staying but that's a lot of extra people to host , how will ye work santa ?

This has just given me a flashback to a horrible childhood Christmas, my grandfather had died days before Christmas and my mother got pushed into inviting everyone for Christmas only 3 of her siblings because the other 2 had large families of their own. My grandmother was grieving and my mother's siblings were fighting my dad took all us kids to a room and put a film on , my poor mother tried to keep it together for the sake of no ill feeling .

If the tables were turned? So if ops son was bullying the visiting cousin?
I'd assume unless totally reprehensible I'd imagine his parents wouldn't take him to stay with people who were bullying him and making his life miserable?

Yes apologies... I misread.

Yes, I am lucky to have a lovely family who I love very much... I also have a family who have to travel to see me. So I understand where OP's DH is coming from. If my DH were to insist my family stay in a hotel, I'd be furious.

And, much as I love my family, they are also as likely to be annoying as any other family 😂

The bullying is a different story however... not the normal family dynamics

Let them take over, grab your glass of whatever your poison is and let them crack on

You and your DH have been allowing your child's bully to not only invade his home, but to sleep over multiple times? That's disgusting. Home is supposed to be your safe place, not the place where you're subjected to such a huge stress as being bullied.

It's irrelevant that it was supposedly finally addressed; it should never have been allowed to continue in the first place.

Forget Christmas, the child/family involved would never have been allowed to step foot in my house years ago!

Fuck that! That would be my worst nightmare! Tell them that they are welcome from 1 pm or whatever on Christmas Day and that you guys will be doing something as a family on Christmas Eve. Perhaps suggest that they find a B&B locally but you don’t have to give reasons particularly, just tell them what you want to do and leave it at that. Catering for all those people for an evening meal snacks breakfast et cetera would be completely overwhelming for me so I really do feel for you. I would not be agreeing to this under any circumstances.

Any update, OP?

I have only just seen this but I hope you have managed to say no.

I would even suggest that the cousins and family come on Boxing Day. Have the Grandparents Christmas Day and the others on Boxing Day. It’s not too late to stop this but next week might be so get it sorted now.

Maybe work towards having your own family Christmas Day every year! MIL isn’t in charge anymore. It’s your family Christmas and your family traditions.

Bloody hell I don't blame you. I'd just tell them get DH to tell them it's a hard no, they're welcome from midday Christmas Day. They can either drive xmas morning or get an air bnb locally.

You aren't being unreasonable OP. Your MiL has invited herself and six others to an event at your house, which from what you say, will be hosted by you (you'll be doing the work) but dictated by her and your SiL. That crosses a red line or two in its own right. Then you'll have a houseful of people without enough adequate sleeping places for them all, queues for the loo/bath/shower, mounds of wrapping paper, Xmas presents (including presumably some rather noisy toys) and over-excited, sugar-fuelled children all over the place etc. . .then we come to the pièce de résistance of this merry gathering; one of the visiting children has form for bullying one of yours. You aren't being unreasonable, you just want some boundaries. But you know what? It's better to be a little unreasonable now (or have certain mardy people think you are) than go completely postal over the roasties on the day. People hear the word no and they get over it, but a total meltdown can permanently rearrange the emotional furniture.

Absolutely no way to any of it
You dont invite yourself for christmas
My brother tries this nonsense and I just ignore him
Really unfair on your kids
Too many people in that space

I am not doing any hosting this year after last year and no one stayed in my actual house just came for meals and that was enough

We always stay in a Holiday Inn express or air B&B
No way I want to spend that much time with people and share a toilet and bathroom

Brilliant 😁

We need to copy and paste this on to every thread like this.

Could you show all of these responses to your husband???? Would seeing what other people think of the proposed arrangement make him see how unreasonable he’s being by expecting you (and your poor children) to have your Christmas ruined.

@Diblin93

Id say the fact were now almost 8 months past Christmas the situation is long since resolved 🙄

This thread from last year just popped up and I wondered how your Christmas went?

Another now wondering how it went?!

I can't accommodate everyone, 4 kids plus partners plus GC makes 16. I book some rooms at local Premier inn, it seems really quiet and I always get very cheap rooms. Maybe worth having a look. Could be their Christmas presents, booked you a comfortable room with an actual bed.

Oh dear, I must check dates.