To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

Can you say “really sorry but we already have plans for Christmas Eve for the 4 of us. You’re welcome to come for Christmas Day lunch though, we haven’t got space for you to stay over but I can recommend xyz b&b”

I think that’s too much to expect of you if you don’t have the bedroom space.

Id definitely say you’d love to host for lunch but you can’t have them all to stay. If you have 1 spare room, I would offer it to the parents but I wouldn’t be happy with people sleeping on airbeds on my floor.

Do BIL and SIL really want to come? I’d imagine they’d want Christmas Eve and morning in their own home. Maybe they just want your in-laws elsewhere!

Hell no. I would be prepared to have a big fallout than let 7 people (and a bully to my child) stay over.
They can all stay somewhere else and visit.

The damn cheek of having so many people invite themselves over. What is your dh saying about this?

Just say no.

Good on you OP!!

They’ve invited themselves - rude. Without checking your plans?!

I’d text MIL and SIL on a group chat:

“Thanks for offering to drive down and spend Christmas with us, we would be very happy to host. Unfortunately we have plans on Xmas eve so can’t have you to stop over on 24th. I’ve found X airbnb if you’d rather not drive down on Christmas morning? (Link) And of course you are all very welcome to stay over on 25th. Looking forward to it x”

X10. Perfect answer. When floors and sofas in communal areas are required for sleeping it really is too much.

And your husband needs to get a grip and back you up!

OP, Yanbu, I would say lovely of them to ask, but that hosting won't work for you.

I totally agree with Skybluepinky just say NO and mean it, do not get used in this way. It is your Christmas too. Put on your Big Girl Knickers and stand firm

They sound unbearable. Who invites themselves to other people's houses for Christmas, especially when there are 7 of them.

Just say no, OP.

We have them all to stay quite frequently, I’d say 4-5 times a year for 3 days at a time. By the end of the 3rd day I am so claustrophobic, the house is an utter, utter tip (they are not tidy people at all- another big bear) our youngest is just completely strung out from all the excitement and the constant interaction and our eldest is just miserable as they’ve had to tolerate their eldest cousin for 3 days. I hate the visits to be honest and it would be so much better if they stayed elsewhere and we all had our own space. They think that’s rude though and would be really offended if we asked them to stay elsewhere.

I’m just so tired of it. By the time they leave each time, even DH is like ‘that was A LOT, I’m so ready to have our space back now’

So yes, he does, to the poster that asked understand what goes into hosting them all for days on end, we do it throughout the year. I’m happy to host them Christmas Day and for them to stay over Christmas Day, but o draw the line at Christmas Eve. DH does agree with me that it will be a lot, he just says his mum and sister are going to ‘get all mardy’ if we ask them to stay elsewhere on Christmas Eve or drive up Christmas Day morning. He doesn’t want the ill feeling basically which I get, but I don’t want the stress of having them all here Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day morning.

In that case you prioritise your DC and don’t host them at all if they are going to be bullied in their own home on Christmas Day.

I would ring MIL and say you’ve had a think about her request and it doesn’t work. Tell her to stick with whatever her other plans would have been.

FWIW MIL is a great hinter and has hinted so much about coming here for Christmas but DH has no intention of having her here so I am ‘luckier’ than you in that respect.

That update makes all the difference…
I would not have someone in my house who bullied my child. Surely your DH supports his child?
I would say that they are welcome to come for Christmas lunch or Christmas tea but you can’t have them to sleep as it’s too much. And don’t have them Christmas night. Why should your child be in tears?

Just no. No-one should impose themselves uninvited on Christmas Eve. The cheek of them.

Totally this!

I wouldn't want anyone staying over on Christmas Eve when there is so much to do when you have kids.

What if the other kids get more from Santa? What are your kids going to think?

Absolutely not! And if DH insisted, I would tell him he is doing EVERYTHING while you put your feet up. And write a list of what that involves so he can see how much work it is.

@Secretgarden88

Could you say that you've decided to have a quiet Christmas this year but would love to see them on New Year's Day to toast the New Year?

Maybe OP's DH should stop his sister's kids bullying his own child which is one of the reasons why OP doesn't want them to come.

Definitely wouldn't host anyone that bullied my children - what a way to ruin Christmas. Appreciate your husband is all about the path of least resistance but I'd draw the line there and ignore any complaints.

Crikey nope. There's no way if cram them all into my house. My own kids would have a meltdown

It's far too many. I wouldn't have them all over to stay at any other time either. Especially when one cousin is cruel to your own child!

I think you mean agoraphobic.

If the most mardy person wins, just be more mardy. You’re getting this because you do as you’re told by the sounds of it.

From a former people pleaser.

I notice your child is being bullied. Why is this being allowed to happen?

I’d put up with it this Christmas for the last time and then next year I’d set a precedent that they don’t stop at yours and every time they visit they get an Air BnB, that way you don’t have any sourness at Christmas, next time you host it they’ll be used to booking somewhere.

Exactly this. No way would I do that, your in laws sound exactly like mine!!! MIL just wants to sit in our house and eat and eat and eat. I've never seen such a greedy over eater. Won't even go for a walk, just sits there like a big hungry sloth.
Don't ruin your Christmas. You genuinely haven't the space. Even logistically how is Santa doing all he needs to if you nieces/nephews on blow up beds in living room. Stand your ground OP!

Surely the rudeness rests with the person inviting themself and three other adults plus three children over to the OP's, the OP not having invited them?

If it were me I'd just say "No".