To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

But I haven’t invited them, they’ve invited themselves!!

I’ve had a look and there are a few options available locally still.

I'd have Covid and strategically take to my bed if they do come in the end. Then darling DH and his mates family can enjoy Christmas amongst themselves. Christmas Eve would have to be sacrificed but darling DH and his mates/family can do that too.

Look I know that is unrealistic but honestly, women are expected to sort all this shit out and I for one am having none of it anymore. I won't be in the country from 17th December until mid January. As the only one without kids and a few spare rooms I hosted a madcap Christmas for the masses for many years. I did enjoy it a lot, but am far too old and wise now to do it anymore.

I am happy to see everyone else happy over FaceTime from my sun lounger.

I was reading in between the lines that your husband did? Sorry if I read that wrong.

It’s six weeks til Christmas, hardly last minute to be looking for a Travelodge etc.

I’m not sure if they invited themself some time ago, and were initially told ‘yes’ and now the OP has realised it’s too much? Or whether the request has only just been made? But even if it’s the former, saying ‘no’ is not as rude as them inviting themselves in the first place.

Book the accommodation for all the nights.

It’s your Christmas present to them all 😍

No, MIL phoned me on Wednesday evening about something else and THEN said whilst on the phone that her and SIL had been talking and they’d like to come to us for Christmas.

"MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)"

That would be a 'no' from me. She has essentially invited herself and her plus-six to stay at your home, which gives you an awful lot of extra work. Rude, rude, rude. And that's before we get to her and her daughter's tendency "to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans" - which raises my response to 'Hell, no!'. If she wants everyone together, SHE hosts. (And you can decline the invite.)

I think @legalseagull nails it with the first response:

"There's not enough room and Christmas Eve is too busy. We'd love to have you for Christmas lunch, but we can't have everyone sleeping here Christmas Eve"

So, they've hoisted the hosting on you, and expect to dictate how it all goes?
I really wouldn't. You'll have a crap Christmas. Put your foot down. Ffs.

Absolutely!

With a firm "You're welcome to arrive anytime from X on Christmas Day"

7 people staying is insane and I am appalled they’ve invited themselves! They can book an Airbnb, tough. I assume your Dh imagines you’ll be doing all the work/cleaning/cooking/changing beds/sorting who goes where? Just no!

MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

'No, we won't be hosting anyone over Christmas'

If you've already agreed a simple message saying 'change of plan, we won't be hosting at Christmas'. They can all make their own arrangements then and you can get on with your usual family routine. They sound like a nightmare anyway so who cares if they get stroppy about it.

Why can't they just drive over in the morning? 2.5 hours isn't a terribly long drive, the roads will be empty!

"So.sprry but we can't gave you all tonstay but if you're able to hire an air bnb and ome to us for Christmas lunch that would.be wonderful. If you can, we would also love to have you for lunch/tea/buffet on boxing day too. Let me know what you decide so I can finish my Christmas order.'

Dh needs to say the problem is mum, that you and dsis walk in and take over, plus it always feels all about the nephews, and that’s not fair on op, or the kids. Our kids deserve some attention and things they enjoy on Christmas and if you want to host then you have to invite people to yours, you can’t come to ours and then run it your way. As it stands we have Christmas Eve plans, we will all be at the pub with friends and the kids love that, so I am not cancelling it.

Why on earth did you agree to have them for Christmas? It makes much more sense for all 7 of them to stay there and you visit there at some point over Christmas.
Sounds like they’re setting you up to fail if they are used to being in charge.
Why not turn it round and say you love how they host. You could never do it as well as them so you’ll come to them- on Boxing Day

YANBU

How many spare rooms do you have? Floor space in the DC's room? What exactly are the proposed sleeping arrangements?
I'd look into the prices in local hotels or check out AirBnBs and suggest that to them. A couple of hotels near us aren't Christmas destination hotels so they're cheaper than usual. Some of the others cost a fortune as that is where you go for the whole Christmas experience

Why on earth did you agree to have them for Christmas?

She didn't. They invited themselves.

And what was your response? I would have had a medical episode …

Bloody cheeky to invite themselves.

Wow! This is a new level of disrespect,who invites themselves and assorted hangers on for Christmas!

Your husband needs to say NO,not you OP.Stand up for yourself,if they come bugger off somewhere on your own.

This!

I've had so many Christmases with every floor crammed full of people. When you live away from family, it's what you do.

It's difficult at times, can be hellish, claustrophobic and completely horrible... but it can also be very special and everything memories are made of.

If your DH never sees his family at christmas, which it sounds like, as you mention you do the same thing every year, which doesn't include them, then I think you're being selfish.

I think you need to suck it up and do the right thing! If you need to get away during that period, that's totally acceptable, but your dh deserves to have christmas with his family in his own house the odd year.

It's not even about you at all and you need to stop seeing it that way. Tell them they're welcome and leave it to dh to run around after them...

Two and a half hours is a doable drive and the roads will be empty Christmas Day. Not sure about driving back but depends on how many of them drive.

I've had so many Christmases with every floor crammed full of people. When you live away from family, it's what you do.

No it isn’t!!!

I'd book myself and family into the air B&B, tell the matriarchs to fill their boots and you'd be home for whatever time they had your Christmas dinner ready.