To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

7 people inviting themselves…. Nope

I've got a good one - tell them you've all tested positive for covid

Not by many people's standards though. Yes they'd be on the floor but that's fine. If there's floor room, there's room!

No sorry no room here. But I found a nice air b and b that is local.

I bet they would like to be hosted !

no no no no

He didn't invite them though.

You can't just say they are coming and that's the end of it. Guests staying should be a joint family decision.

I would book an air BNB large enough for them for Christmas eve and Christmas and Boxing day.

My friend is getting her (RV) caravan out of storage for her in-laws at Christmas. Could you rent one to place on your drive for them?

He can have his family (uninvited) to stay for Xmas day. I just draw the line at Christmas Eve. That’s the compromise!

Why didn't you say, "Sorry MIL, that won't work for us because x,y and z, but you'd be welcome to come on Christmas Day for lunch and stay until Boxing day" (or whatever scenario would have been acceptable). "MIL, I'm more than happy for the whole family to descend for Christmas lunch but unfortunately we don't have the space to accommodate everyone overnight but there are a few Airbnbs locally you could look at"

I just don't understand how people phone and say they'd like to do X. The other person doesn't want X to happen. So why on earth do you not just say no at that point rather than letting them think it's fine.

Not when it's family and it's no more than every 2nd Christmas. I don't get the impression from OP that they visit frequently.

When was the last time you spent Christmas with them, and how often is Christmas what you want to do?

Yes Christmas eve with visitors can be a struggle, but the kids would spend it with their cousins and that's more special than any tradition.

"We'd like to come on Christmas Eve."

"Really? I'd like to run away with John Krasinski. I'll tell his agent."

OP, how you spend Christmas isn't up to them.

I have 2 spare bedrooms plus a room downstairs. I said no to 7 people staying. 2 had to go to a local hotel ( v close). I hosted everyone for 3 days but am not having people on the floor in the lounge with all their stuff as well. You need to be able to move around - plus the paper mess is immense. I have 3 bathrooms with 2 separate showers and it was constant!

11 people with potentially only 1-2 loos for 3 days sounds hideous.

everyone having rooms to slope off to for a breather makes it manageable.

Last spent Christmas with them 3 years ago. We were meant to spend last Christmas with them but they all had a sickness bug so that got cancelled.

And I think you have a rather romanticised view of cousins tbh, our eldest really struggles and gets bullied a lot by their eldest (which they’re aware of) I’m not sure they’d be sobbing Christmas Eve if their cousins weren’t there.

They can drive down Christmas day

Simples

Ok, you're going to do what you're going to do... but I do think you're being unfair to DP. Christmas isn't just for you.

That's horrible! Not simples at all 😭

We are driving 2+ hours Christmas Day. Driving back Boxing Day. We want to make it as easy on our family as possible and we will have a great time together whilst we can.

OP has your DH hosted that number before? Because if not the realisation of the operation he’s about to embark on will hit like a steam train.

Aside from prepping the whole house, there’s the shopping. 2 fridge freezers in my house and still full. Then there’s the dishwasher which will be on multiple times a day. And the rubbish. And the “where is your XYZ”.

I run it like a military operation with a spreadsheet. Family get allocated (or can choose) what to bring off It. I also allocate jobs on peeling etc. (i’m a big cook but won’t martyr myself). They like doing it as then everyone chips in. It’s not a cost issue per se but jesus christ the shopping!!

No it isn’t, we have to drive that far most Christmases and it really isn’t a big deal.

The roads are empty for a start.

I can never understand this staying over at people's houses palaver. It comes across as so cheap

It's so much better in a hotel

For a start I would say they are allowed to come but they would have to stay in the air bnb BOTH nights and they are welcome to stay for Christmas lunch and all evening and even Boxing Day breakfast.

Keep Xmas eve for yourself.

It seems perfectly reasonable to spend the Xmas period together but want them to stay elsewhere but nearby. You’re not saying you don’t want them to come or they can’t come, it’s just about sleeping arrangements. It’s reasonable to recognise it’ll be overwhelming and cramped.
Equally, what does your DH want? Does he also feel the same but doesn’t feel he can say no, or does he want them to stay with you?

Is there hotels or air bnbs close to where you live ? Some Hotels aren't always crazy prices around Christmas time. If you are all on top of each other Christmas eve, you'll all be fed up and snappy Christmas day and won't be nice for anyone.
At least if they stay nearby there's space between you, or possibly drive Christmas morning and stay the night in a hotel Christmas night.

Agree - much better to have your own space, privacy, and break amongst the celebrations! It’s intense spending lots of time with people

Tell them you've borrowed a tent for them, and they'll be sleeping in the garden.