To not want Inlaws to stay Christmas Eve?

[Secretgarden88]

I know I probably am BU, but I just don’t feel like I get got it in me.

Basically DH’s family live 2.5 hours away, this year, MIL has asked if we would host Christmas and host them all (by them all, it’s MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 DC aged 4, 7 and 9)

Inlaws and I don’t have the greatest relationship, there’s been no huge failings out or anything, we’re just v different people with little in common and I struggle to spend loads of time around them, which is unfortunate as whenever we do see each other, it’s for 3 days at a time!

SIL and MiL are very ‘matriarchal’ and whenever they come here tend to take over and treat the house as if it were their own and basically dictate and dominate plans. Something which I do frequently push back on, which results in atmospheres and faces like slapped bums.

I REALLY don’t want them all here Christmas Eve. The last couple of years, DH and DC have had a routine of doing something Christmassy during the day (which in laws would be welcome to join us on but they hate doing anything that isn’t sitting about the house) and then going to the village pub for a drink with friends late afternoon before going home and putting milk etc out for the reindeer and watching a Christmas film. Christmas morning we have just us 4 until whoever we’e hosting for Christmas arrives or we leave late morning to go see family etc.

I hate the thought of having an extra 7 people to have to try and find space for, there’d have to be people on blow up beds in the lounge, which is already rammed to the rafters at Christmas with the tree and kids presents etc.

Ideally I’d like them to get an air B&B down the road somewhere for Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning there and then come to us at lunchtime and stay Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day. I just don’t want them there Christmas Eve. I just know it’ll be MIL and SIL trying to take over, trying to make it all about DH’s nephews and god knows where we’d put presents for another 7 people, especially as those kids get A LOT.

I just want a bit of peace Christmas morning as well to just open our presents here and relax for an hour or so before having to start prepping to do the dinner etc.

DH has said it’s really rude to ask them to stay in alternative accomodation Christmas Eve. AIBU?

Sounds like hell.

Can you even fit 7 extra beds in the house?

Can in the in-laws even get 3 kids all their stuff and their presents in the car?

Your own excited unsleeping kids are enough without 3 extras in a sleepover hyped up about that too

How odd to think having plans you want to stick to is rude. I think the family who want to descend on them are rude, they haven’t actually been invited.

Not to mention bathroom and people in the way when you are prepping and need feeding constantly

Indeed. I'm honestly amazed anyone thinks the OP is being unreasonable. How can she be unreasonable to not want guests staying who she hasn't actually invited to stay.

That sounds like hell.
I feel like I relate to what you say about your relationship with them, no major fallings out or anything, but you are very different people. I’m mentally exhausted after just one day with my MIL.
I absolutely could not accommodate this.
Put your foot down - but it needs to be your DH who lets them know.

OP, you know the family dynamics best.

In my family, that would probably lead to a rift that would last for decades. Nobody would talk about it and people would be drawn in that have no idea of the supposed origin of the rift. Nonetheless, the rift would plausibly not be resolved across several generations. It would also firm up a family history of such rifts.

I think you're possibly BU.
You mentioned you usually see family on Christmas Day and the fact your family in law live 2.5 hours away suggests it's your family you usually see?
Totally understand that you have what sounds like a lovely Christmas routine and them staying isn't ideal for you, but it sounds like it's your DH's turn to have his family around, and he should be able to have them stay in his home. Of course, totally appreciate that means he should put the work in but it sounds like you want everyone to work around the way you want Christmas and it's not very hospitable.
I would take the point that it wouldn't be fair every year but it sounds like this is a one off and I think you should accommodate, if my assumptions are correct x

I can understand the difference between Christmas Eve and Christmas night. Personally I need quiet time on CE to get my head straight and know I’ve done everything and prepare so I can relax on CD.
Although I’m not a good example as we lived 4 hours from in laws so we were either there or them here. Personally I would love to have stayed somewhere else so I could have a bed and some peace,we also didn’t get on. they would have been deeply offended thought.

Can't they do what they did last year? I'm assuming they didn't stay with you.

Hell on a stick. Most people can't accommodate an extra seven overnight guests comfortably without causing mayhem, and add in Christmas chaos and it's a flat no.

Tell DH that if he would like to host them all he's very welcome, to get the airbed pump out and the turkey bought and stuffed, because you'll be in a nice hotel nearby for a couple of nights, and to let you know what time you should turn up for lunch.

Cheeky bastards the lot of them.

I think you have to reach a compromise here op.

Your in laws are really rude for dictating terms and taking over. It’s not respectful. And I really sympathise with that.

And your house is not big enough for seven extra! That’s really asking too much I think.

So have them stay in a local b&b and share the cost or make a contribution.

(Providing Christmas lunch for seven extra is also expensive!)

But you have to give up your plans for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with just the four of you I think. It’s a different family Christmas this year and it would mean excluding your nephews from the most exciting bits for dc, which is putting out mince pies for Father Christmas on Xmas Eve, and finding presents around the tree on Christmas morning. Of course your in-laws want to be at your house to see that!

What would you have them do? Recreate their own Christmas for your nephews in their air b&b separately from you? They might as well have stayed at home if they are going to do that imho.

But at least they get to stay in a separate space and you get a breather overnight and early on Christmas morning. You are allowed to lay down a few boundaries if you are the one hosting.

This.

and you are not being unreasonable.
we started our own tradition that Christmas Eve was ours and ours only! We love it. And we don’t bend the rules…
I couldn’t imagine having people stay over and ruin the evening - and definitely wouldn’t have in-laws coming when we don’t have the best rship!!

also, if you’re hosting, I hope they’re helping?!

Just say we don’t have enough bedrooms but you are welcome to get here for x time.

Pretty normal in many families! I wouldn’t want to stay on a blow up bed!

A couple of years back, I started saying no to my own family. It is incredibly liberating to not be walked over and taken for granted.

I do put friends and in-laws up. The key is that it is appreciated rather than expected.

My point I guess is that you do what you are comfortable with in your own home. This avoids resentment.

Sounds awful, you need to tell them there's no room.

Also do your kids still believe in Santa? How is santa supposed to come and leave presents if there's people sleeping in the lounge

Oh you have my sympathy. DH is like this with his relatives too. I am a massive introvert and like my space. MIL and SIL similarly join forces and take over so I feel your pain.

Perfect! YANBU, OP

Makes me anxious just thinking about this.

Keep it simple. ‘Sorry, we can’t host this year but would love to see you over Christmas’

Tell them you're happy to do Christmas lunch but they need to find accommodation 24th-26th for everyone's comfort..

YABU to spring this now, exactly how on earth are they meant to get accommodation?

They go online and book accommodation... It's not the nativity story there's plenty of rooms available to choose from any would do just not the OPs living room.

They invited themselves so do it on your terms if you want to
I do think telling them to stay at an Airbnb is a bit rude BUT you can certainly tell them (ideally via DH) that they are welcome to arrive at x time on xmas day for lunch to be served at y time

Well I can tell you we were unable to find any accommodation within a couple of hundred miles, but it seems you know better 🤦‍♀️

It's Xmas eve not exactly an inexpensive cost.

No accomodation within a couple of hundred miles sounds unlikely unless you live in a very rural location.

If they can't find accommodation then the consequence is they don't come and maybe next year they decide to book earlier and not spring it all on the OP so last minute.

Book an Airbnb for yourself and after you've put your child to sleep, leave your husband to entertain his family and cook and tidy the house and then you return Christmas morning nice and refreshed after your peaceful evening and good nights sleep .