How to handle this competitive mum in reception

[bloomsburys]

She's always wanting to know how everyone's child is doing and then says her child is always miles ahead already- so if the kids are just starting to read- hers is already reading novels. That kind of vibe.

She talks a lot about how the teachers say her child is very bright and the perfect student.

It's really annoying.

I avoid her as much as I can, but she is always coming up to me and talking about this stuff. I never really engage but she just goes on and on.

I wish she'd just never speak to me again tbh. But she's always coming up and pulling this rubbish chat out.

How do I just shut her down, once and for all, without being rude ?

She seems really lonely to me...having that much time to speak in the morning!
Redirect the conversation to her; ask how is she? Etc...

That's a bit disingenuous though. Across Scandinavia almost all kids are in nursery / childcare from the age of 2 because society looks down on sahp. They don't go to school early because they don't need to - they learn how to write / read via play based learning in nursery and start school being able to read / write.

I had one of these when my children were in Reception and year 1. She even phoned ( landline in the olden days) to ask what size my older sons feet were after we'd done the new school shoes hell.She was delighted that her daughters feet were bigger. Why would you want a child with giant feet? They used to come and play. Her child would want to do worksheets and flashcards whilst my son was running around the garden in only his pants trying to find cat poos.The child had tutors to get her into a selective girls school and to help with the work throughout.I was a single mum working as a supply teacher. I hadn't got a pot to piss in never mind money for tutors. The children are now in their 30s. They are still friends . My son went to the young woman's wedding 2 weeks ago. She went to a very average uni to do teacher training. It was her choice and she's very happy in her job. I think her mother was just massively insecure at the time. Fwiw my son didn't do any of the worksheet stuff and did anything to avoid word tins and reading. His life is going rather well. Let it wash over you Op. She just wants the best for her daughter. It'll all even out when they grow up.

I bet there is a mother like this in every class.
I certainly came across a few.

I did once say ...sorry I have my own kids to think about I couldn't care less what random kids are up to

That’s hilarious that you think children are in FT childcare in Scandinavian countries ‘because society looks down on SAHP’ rather than because having high-quality affordable childcare freely available and a general culture of equality means the vast majority of mothers are in the workforce.

Because it isn’t the stigma of being a SAHP that keeps men economically active in any country.

Just keep your distance and DO NOT make a friend out of this woman as you and your child will be her yard stick . She will spoil anything that you or your child has / achieves that she or her child can't . My advice would be to stay away from playground mums , cliques and gossip altogether. Ive witnessed fall outs , feuds and even a playground cat fight . Just grab your kid and go .

Just say all the children are doing really well. Each develop at their own pace. If she asks where your child is at regarding education just reply not your business really and I don't agree with discussing other childrens progress. That should shut her down.

The minute you see her heading in your direction, walk away.

My DS is in reception.

We have one of these ‘show off’ parents too.

It was quite funny to be really nonchalant and not overtly gushing or impressed in return which I think was the desired response.

She did the whole we breastfeed until X and used cloth nappies.
and I responded with oh that’s cool so did we, we preferred X brand of cloth nappies how about you? And we’ve donated them all now etc just making polite conversation about it.

In the group chat she posted a picture of the school book DC was reading because of a small tear and worried she’d be blamed.
I really think it was to show off the reading band her child was on.
Some parents gushed and praised in response. I responded to the tear issue and reassured they wouldn’t be blamed as all the school books are falling apart 😬

I think it’s great that parents are proud of their DC, but don’t try and show off and gloat about it.
I also think for some parents maybe that is really important to them that their child is ahead and they feel superior in some way. Crack on I say, and I’ll just respond in polite conversation.

I think it has potential to make other parents feel bad or worried about their own child’s progress so that’s not a good thing. But you can only control your own response to it.

@bloomsburys dd2 didn't start school until she was 5 and a half (year 1) as we had been living abroad. She didn't seem at all interested in learning to read and it was a struggle getting her to read the school books. Over Christmas I taught her myself and by her 6th birthday she was reading Harry Potter (no pictures) herself. I never mentioned it to anyone but both her and her sister eventually went to Cambridge. I have 4dc and some mums are a bit much! Thankfully by secondary school you never see them.

‘I never mentioned it to anyone’ except everyone here 🤣

#humblebrag

Just reframe it as her anxiety. Imagine how tense and invested in these small markers of getting it right that you are constantly having to check and bench mark. It must be exhausting and quite stressful, always having on eye on where your DC SHOULD be.
I know the type as a parent and I am also a teacher, so see it from the other side, too! The vast majority of the time, it is a deeply ingrained fear of failure and over-riding anxiety about their own choices. It doesn’t cost anything to nod and smile and move on. She may just need reassurance 🤷‍♀️

However, I do (and have!) draw the line at pulling any other child down to boost their own. Asking what reading band they’re on so they can tell you what theirs is on? No biggie. (It mostly evens out in the end!)
But passing comment on the achievements and parenting of classmates? Not on. A nice ‘Oh, we are all so proud of ALL the children!’ once did the trick for me.

I don’t see the point in snippy remarks or sly digs back. I don’t want to be part of that culture.

Speaking from experience, one of these characters is quite easy (well, ish!) to ignore. It's when you have to avoid gangs of them that the school run becomes a pain in the arse.

I agree that you need to 'grey rock' her because this behaviour will continue and escalate. Like another poster said, your child will become their yardstick

You wonder why kids are like they are with a parent obsessed with how their child is doing, "not good comparing as everyone is different" no wonder some of them become bullies and grow up with no respect.... its not always the ones with bad upbringing either. I bet she goes over the top with her daughter, and she won't thank her for it. I would just keep your distance wherever possible. **

"Good for you/child"
"That's nice"
Tinkly patronising laugh followed by "Don't worry, it's not a competition!"

Just say your child has been tested by MENSA and walk away

Encourage her some more. Say her child needs to join MENSA, is she sure her child isn"t gifted and talented, or should go to an elite private school (there are scholarships for REALLY bright kids).

Don't just silently nod and put up with it, have some fun with it.

Edit: actually don't, it's pretty bad for her kid to encourage her, but it would be fun.

Maybe she is lonely and trying to make friends and hasn't got anything else to talk about

I would lie to her. Tell her the teacher called you and they suggested your kid skips a grade because they’re doing so well.

she won’t come near you again.

@SlightlyGoneOff I've lived in Denmark, Sweden and Finland (the bulk of my husband's family live in Sweden and we travelled across Scandinavia for his work pre/kids).

I know what it's like there and sahps do get looked down on massively. The idea is that anyone who doesn't work isn't 'pulling their weight' for society by earning tax. It's high taxes that fund childcare there and salaries are generally lower to begin with - which is why we returned to the UK when I got pregnant with my first.

Yes, this is very true.

I suspect my 4 yo daughter has ADHD. One of the reasons I suspect this is that she goes into a deep 'research mode' when it comes to learning and when in the zone won't emerge until she's figured something out fully.

She's like this with everything - reading, writing, maths, science, violin, sports you name it - and often I have to hold her back. She's extremely well spoken and sociable so it doesn't seem like she has a problem but unless you've had to try and get her to eat during a 3 hour obsession with French you won't know how traumatising it can be.

But I feel I can't talk about it as it will be seen as 'bragging'. It actually took a chat with another mum at the nursery gate for me to try giving her more challenging things to read to see if it changed things and it helped massively.

Earphones and ignore

I remember these competitive mums ( and dads ) on sports day , in all the gear and warming up in preparation for the parents races and having a face like a smacked arse if they didn't win . Some actually bite a grudge against the winner . They must be a nightmare to work with too !

I'm rather blunt I'd have said give it a bloody rest way before now 🤷‍♀️

My mum said that when I told her my new technique but I'm on the spectrum and I used to freeze, get agitated and rude or just run away so I guess for me its a new skill when I feel trapped.

I've had a mixed review lmao