How to handle this competitive mum in reception

[bloomsburys]

She's always wanting to know how everyone's child is doing and then says her child is always miles ahead already- so if the kids are just starting to read- hers is already reading novels. That kind of vibe.

She talks a lot about how the teachers say her child is very bright and the perfect student.

It's really annoying.

I avoid her as much as I can, but she is always coming up to me and talking about this stuff. I never really engage but she just goes on and on.

I wish she'd just never speak to me again tbh. But she's always coming up and pulling this rubbish chat out.

How do I just shut her down, once and for all, without being rude ?

I had someone do this, if I ever said anything about DS hers was one better. Oh DS did really well in his maths test last week, he was worried about it....she would reply with oh yes, my ds came top of the class.
Its carried on now, they are 17 ffs. I mentioned that my ds had been to a party the weekend before (just because we were talking about the kids and I said I hated it because I had to syat up to go get him (god forbid im not in bed by 9pm 😂) anyway, it had to be counteracted with, "oh yes, I never see my ds these days, always at one party or another, he has so many new friends".
I just nod and smile

Your mate is awesome!

"Sorry got to rush. Desdemona has her grade 5 violin exam this afternoon. Toodles!"

Gold star to that mum.

But it's best not to do it in front of the children concerned. My DD commented years later, 'Why did you always make a joke out of it if people asked about something I did really well instead of just saying I'd done it really well?' Fair point, DD.

Years ago I had a mate who's kids are bright

She really pushed him (and his sisters) into doing better than everyone else-they had to be better/faster/cleverer than anyone else (I remember him coming second at sports day and she ripped him a new one for not being first)

I mean it started with flashcards at birth and pressure to be the best at all times as he got older

She was also up the arse of the teachers

My ds is 3 months older and hated school

He's not academic at all-he did things in his own time and in his own way

She was all 'brag,brag,brag' (I mean her lot are very clever) but it was at the expense of mine (and others)

The sly digs and subtle jibes that where meant to back foot you

It came to exams-hers got top marks and mine flunked every one of his (I was genuinely chuffed for her)

Fast forward 8 years

My ds has built a top career,is paid well and loves his job-he's doing well for himself-he's just given me my first grandchild

Her ds just sits at home,smoking weed,spending her money and gets violent if she refuses him anything,so she's putting more pressure on his sisters to get the top marks and top jobs so she can brag about them

It just took mine a while to find his groove I guess (I'm super proud of him no matter what)

Wow, that's a really sad story for her, lovely for your DS.

My brother and I were academically gifted and my parents put a huge amount of pressure on us and constantly wanted to showcase us, making us play our musical instruments for guests, talking about big career aspirations as if they were already achieved, boasting about exam results and making up clever things we hadn't actually said. I squeaked into University and came out with a 2:2. I'm not especially successful in my career or anything else. My brother followed the rules longer than me and became a dentist, passionately hates it and blames my Mum, has grown a long beard and covered himself with tattoos, and wants to become an alpaca farmer and home educate his kids. Neither of us touch our musical instruments, they are not sources of fun to us.

DD is similar to how we were, but I do not want her to feel like she is some sort of trophy. I definitely don't want to make other people feel bad about their kids or worried they're not doing well enough at the age of 4!

I got help with getting away from conversations or people as I feel stuck sometimes and the therapist told me to say

"Thats really interesting but I have to go/need the toilet"

Oh that's a good idea! Saying something like "I personally don't see the point in comparing children to be honest, I'm just happy they're happy and doing their thing". And every time she starts again, just keep repeating "I don't like comparing kids, not interesting to me" and she'll surely get it after a couple of times.

You might as well say ‘Bored now! I’m off.’

Use your own words, exactly this:

"My child is doing well. But they're just so young and it's just not my style to brag."

Ah yes I don't miss those days, I remember a really similar mum when my DD1 was in nursery, she used to bring in 'shopping lists' her DD had written completely unprovoked apparently to show teachers and parents.. I avoided her like the plague and everyone else just thought she was a knob. I told her once that my DD didn't even know what a pen was and she seemed to take pity and leave me alone!

😂😂😂

Try to steer convo to emotions - she's losing out on just enjoying meeting her child from school. U could start with 'you must be doing something right!' or even 'gosh u r so lucky not to have to worry about Tarquin in that way . Then: but we'd love them just the same even if ...etc. Or just give her what she seems to need 'wow really that's amazing.' then ask 'whats for dinner at yours im going to do fish and chips, because that's Harry's favourite. What's Tarqins favourite meal?. She was maybe brought up in academic pressure way and just needs reconnecting with the fact of motherhood and childhood. Her social skills out of tuneness could be sign of her being v lonely / unhappy. If u r really done just act like the one in Motherland who is the coolest and say things like 'i just glad if they get home safe and eat and sleep that's my baseline Hyacyinth!' then pull out a fake cigarette or be in phone having the most non achievementy conversation.

Ask her why is she telling you?

Agree with this

I would take no pleasure in dragging down someone who lacks confidence. But I wouldn't compete with them either. Nod and smile. "Yes, Molly's doing fine thanks"

You could try, "Is there any reason you feel the need to tell me this?"

"Teachers tend to say that about all children at this age to boost their confidence. It doesn't really matter anyway as all children level out soon"!

This … and ear buds in your ear. When she starts talking shout - point at ear buds and say “shhh”

We had one of these … her son was unusually tall & born elsewhere. The parent rumor is that he was actually 8, and not 5 and that parents lied when he got his passport because prob didn’t have birth records where she is from. By end of the year, everyone had heard about her bright & talented boy, etc etc. It was awful and so boring,

She asked a lot of mums/dads where is the best primary you are aware of, we will move there because X is so bright and unchallenged. Specifically asked me to ask my husband, who is from NZ - what’s the best school in NZ, they could move there …. I just laughed … my husband would have no idea. They did move - no idea they just disappeared & she had no mum friends.

Tell her your kidj ust got accepted into mensa get some stock letter from internet get a few others in on the joke should soon shut her up

What if her child is ahead, would you not want to know so you can help yours?

Could you go down the route of "many children in Europe don't start school until 7, my child is happy, healthy and engaged in play which is what they should be ages 4/5 - I prefer not to discuss academics with other parents"

She may not have much else to talk about.
Instead of shutting her down , change the subject.
Say tour pleased with how your child is doing, then add are you staying home for Christmas. Or have you seen anywhere with good grotto?
Keep giving her topics to talk about.

I'm fully expecting to get slated here but just to present the other side... it can be incredibly isolating when your child has a natural high ability and you feel like you can't talk about them for fear of getting all of the reactions highlighted by every other person on this thread.

It's not necessarily that they're talking about their child to be competitive, more that they're proud and struggling to find someone to connect with. 'gifted' children have a lot of other struggles that others may not realise. while they may be advanced academically or have a photographic memory, they will usually struggle in other areas, maybe physically, but particularly emotionally. They may have an undiagnosed neurodivergence that causes the child to mask as school (appear engaged, focused, well behaved, but at may unmask at home and be prone to highly emotional meltdowns, struggle to sleep, switch between activities, have anxiety. The parents might have a lot of other challenges and may be struggling to understand the school system and how the school will keep their child engaged without causing boredom and leading them to distract other children.

My child is in reception and has been labelled highly gifted by her teacher. Yes I encouraged her love of learning at home but it has been at her own insistence. She was very 'alert' since birth. wide awake from day 1. pointing to words, numbers really early on, reading out the numbers of supermarket aisles from 9 months, knew all the alphabet, unordered, by 15 months. Reading boos aged 2. Now reading chapter books since age 4. It's a challenge to keep them occupied at home as they love learning. They will inhale facts about everything, correct teachers when they're wrong. They are also incredibly perceptive, noticing everything. This in itself can cause issues as they pick up on the most minor of mood changes and changes in emotions of other people, they're highly sensitive so will take on the emotions of others, worry it's something they've done wrong. This causes anxiety with physical manifestations. I suspect they have ADHD but cannot be diagnosed until age 7.

So maybe when one of these parents tries to engage, you could feign interest for a second, then try to find a common interest to talk about instead.

It doesn’t matter what she says, the children all get where they are going in their own time. Just smile and nod and consider yourself lucky you’re not like her.

I have a now adult child who is still friends with the class “genius” at the time, his mum was exactly the same as the one you mention. My son did a levels and uni and ended up in a well paid career and his friend wasn’t into post 16 education, jumped around different jobs before an apprenticeship in heating engineering in his mid twenties. The competitive stuff is just noise, the kids will reach their own potential and that depends on lots of other factors.

How about, "What world record has Jimmy broken today?", or, "It must be tiring for Jimmy, to be excelling at everything?". when she next comes to talk?