SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

I think what you are doing is lovely. You're keeping the continuity for your older child and keeping the job open for your nanny. Also you can spend 1:1 time with your baby as well from time to time. It sounds like an arrangement that will make everyone happy.

You don't need to be tied to your children 24/7 to be a good parent. Of course you can go and have time to yourself.

I was a sahp and fantasised about having time to myself, I'm sure it's normal!
If I could have afforded a nanny then I would have.

Some people that don't have nannies drop the kids off to parents so they can go shopping, date nights, appointments etc it's no different.

I didn't say that. 🤷‍♀️

@Namechang3ds it's purely jealousy!

3 under 3 and they didn't need a nanny?! Who said anything about NEEDING a nanny?! If you WANT a nanny and can afford a nanny then have one!

And I bet if your "3 under 3" was in the same financial position they'd also have a nanny.

It’s irrelevant what other people do, the set up the Op has is working for her family. The level of help we have had over the years has fluctuated dependent upon what we needed - we started with a regular cleaner who then became a daily housekeeper, two of the key workers at DT’s nursery became our weekly babysitters .

I think it’s very rude of a poster to suggest my husband thinks I may get PND without a nanny! Bizarre

As you say, she is lovely, it makes your life easier, you are happy and you can afford it. Everybody’s winning so don’t let other people’s opinions get you down. Nothing wrong with your choices.

Thank you

@Itoldyousoo

Gosh just the opposite

However to hell if I’m going to have a nanny by my side whilst I’m raising my babies! Hell no!

But that’s my view on the situation!

For example Id never marry and have kids with a man who needed a nanny by his side all week - I just wouldn’t - sorry I can’t change my worldly view to fit in with yours!

Fair enough. However, you should be aware of the risk you carry if this becomes a long term arrangement and the relationship ever broke down for any reason (and single earners aren't always honest about how they feel about supporting another adult not to work long term).

You could drop the nanny when mat leave ends and go full pelt into the role of SAHM. Or you can keep the nanny and go back to work so you can always rely on your own earnings if you have to (not just because of relationship breakdown but also if, for example, your partner got sick and couldn't work). The halfway house is "could work and chose not to." You'd both have no career to fall back on and an expectation on you to immediately seek work in a relationship breakdown.

They only implied you were lazy because they’re jealous you get time to go to the gym and aren’t run ragged with two tinies.

They can feel better about themselves if they turn doing it all themselves into some kind of virtue. It’s all tosh.

30 posts in a couple of hours…. I take it your DH is around today!

@truegum81

or perhaps the nanny is doing overtime 😂

You are quoting the wrong person.

how often is your nanny actually there?

Whatever you do as a mother someone will tell you it’s wrong. There’s a year between mine and I imagine it’s utter bliss to have a trained professional to help. Good for you OP, enjoy those swims!

Did op confirm how many hours a week the nanny actually does?

Full time

I'm bloody jealous!! I've just take 3 kids swimming on my own( sahm) If we could afford it trust me I would have a nanny lol Zero judgement but massive jealousy 😅

Really? I can’t recall anyone aside from the odd disagreements with my husband where anyone told me that i was wrong in how i was parenting! Or at least not to my face!

To clarify, financially even if we split I could afford our nanny (can rely on my salary and savings and have money left).

It’s for the same reasons as why I kept DS in nursery FT when I was on maternity leave with my twins. I was paying for it anyway and to keep his space in nursery.

🤷

Op going back in 6 months
and life will be much more hectic and she’ll look back on this tiny window where she wasn’t… fondly. And also feel a bit sheepish about this silly threat of hers!

so very big hectic full on job when you do return

i don’t envy you op

No-one would bat an eyelid if you’d kept the older one in nursery. I did the same and the days with two of them together were harder- very different stages and interests. I can also say that I got to see both sides of the coin as my eldest had to leave nursery due to Covid and she was devastated . It made me realise she would have hated it if I’d pulled her out while I was on mat leave.

In your circs, you have a nanny you like. It would be madness to have let her go and then look to recruit another one. Continuity and trust is so important. You’ll be paying a premium for that level of childcare but you sort of have to keep her on retainer for your mat leave so you haven’t got much choice.