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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM + Nanny

334 replies

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 14:57

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

OP posts:
Ytcsghisn · 17/11/2024 17:01

Who is paying for the nanny? If you are paying yourself, why is it any of other people’s business. Plenty of people living it large at taxpayer’s expense, those are the ones taking the piss.

WigglyVonWaggly · 17/11/2024 17:02

It’s ideal and anyone who says it’s not is bonkers! Its nothing do with them, but if you feel judged then just tell them that she’s so fantastic that she’s a part of the family now and you didn’t want to risk letting her go for such a short time as she’d even be unavailable when you needed her again so have kept her on. That will make them more jealous, but (shrug).

Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:02

CookieMonster28 · 17/11/2024 16:55

I've just seen update that your nanny is full time. I would judge tbh and not because of jealously! Just not what I would personally do...but as I said before I certainly wouldn't voice it and make you feel shit about it as it's whatever works for you.

May I ask why you would judge?

OP posts:
Blackfluffycats · 17/11/2024 17:03

Sounds like bliss!

If I could afford one I would and I’m on maternity leave with my second. My toddler goes to preschool 3 days a week and I find the 2 days I have them both so hard!

Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:03

Ytcsghisn · 17/11/2024 17:01

Who is paying for the nanny? If you are paying yourself, why is it any of other people’s business. Plenty of people living it large at taxpayer’s expense, those are the ones taking the piss.

Oh my!! Absolutely not living it large at taxpayers expensive. Have never claimed anything! All paid from my own pocket!

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 17/11/2024 17:04

JaneandtheLaundry · 17/11/2024 15:00

So you're actually on mat leave not a SAHM? YANBU if you let her go for months on end she would get another job and there's no guarantee you'd get another of her calibre very quickly!

This is what I would have said to them too.

They're just jealous OP. As am I 😅 If you can afford it, take the help! Don't feel guilty about it

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:04

Well if the nanny is full time then in my worldly view op you are not a sahm.

You can dress it how you like op 😂😂

You can also crack on with your lovely swimming and daily steams but in the true sense of the word you are not carrying out the role on your own

I mean you literally pay someone to parent whilst you are in the room 😂😂 sounds fab but don’t try to kid yourself that you are a sahm. In reality you do not stay at home you do what you like throughout the days

I am not jealous btw but my pride would never have allowed me to do what you do. I’d never have wanted others to think I couldn’t manage on my own and tbh isn’t it a touch lazy? Is your dh perhaps thinking you could slide into a depression? Does he think you are not capable of going it alone?

I could understand a couple of hours a week here and there so you could get certain things done

Saying others are jealous is a tad ott as there are plenty women who would not want or need the assistance regardless of income.

PowerfulLotus · 17/11/2024 17:04

As a fellow woman, I love this for you! If I had the resources and financial means, I would do the same. I say celebrate having the confidence to put yourself first simply because you are deserving. Common myth appears to be that unless we are self-sacrificing as women, we can never be great mothers.

FixingStuff · 17/11/2024 17:05

This is a great idea. I wish I had had the same option. Well done to you.

Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:05

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:04

Well if the nanny is full time then in my worldly view op you are not a sahm.

You can dress it how you like op 😂😂

You can also crack on with your lovely swimming and daily steams but in the true sense of the word you are not carrying out the role on your own

I mean you literally pay someone to parent whilst you are in the room 😂😂 sounds fab but don’t try to kid yourself that you are a sahm. In reality you do not stay at home you do what you like throughout the days

I am not jealous btw but my pride would never have allowed me to do what you do. I’d never have wanted others to think I couldn’t manage on my own and tbh isn’t it a touch lazy? Is your dh perhaps thinking you could slide into a depression? Does he think you are not capable of going it alone?

I could understand a couple of hours a week here and there so you could get certain things done

Saying others are jealous is a tad ott as there are plenty women who would not want or need the assistance regardless of income.

This is exactly how the others yesterday were phrasing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:06

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:04

Well if the nanny is full time then in my worldly view op you are not a sahm.

You can dress it how you like op 😂😂

You can also crack on with your lovely swimming and daily steams but in the true sense of the word you are not carrying out the role on your own

I mean you literally pay someone to parent whilst you are in the room 😂😂 sounds fab but don’t try to kid yourself that you are a sahm. In reality you do not stay at home you do what you like throughout the days

I am not jealous btw but my pride would never have allowed me to do what you do. I’d never have wanted others to think I couldn’t manage on my own and tbh isn’t it a touch lazy? Is your dh perhaps thinking you could slide into a depression? Does he think you are not capable of going it alone?

I could understand a couple of hours a week here and there so you could get certain things done

Saying others are jealous is a tad ott as there are plenty women who would not want or need the assistance regardless of income.

Also no I do not think I am falling into depression and nore does my DH!

OP posts:
KoalaCalledKevin · 17/11/2024 17:06

Do they think it would have been better to make the nanny redundant and then try to find another one you liked when maternity leave finished? Rather than sticking with the one you and your child are already happy with?

Dyslexiateacherpost88 · 17/11/2024 17:06

InOverMyHead88 · 17/11/2024 15:00

People are jealous. That's all.

A toddler and a baby would make any SAHP go crazy. Anyone would love a nanny but few can afford it. Just enjoy it.

Agree with this 100%. Jealousy. It is an unusual situation in many circles but it works for you, you can afford it. Enjoy for sure. :-) ps. For context I had 2 your age and if we could have afforded, I'd have done this and I've had a third.

Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:07

KoalaCalledKevin · 17/11/2024 17:06

Do they think it would have been better to make the nanny redundant and then try to find another one you liked when maternity leave finished? Rather than sticking with the one you and your child are already happy with?

They had the view of the post I just quoted!

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 17/11/2024 17:07

I think it sounds like a great set up and you’re very lucky. Surely the ideal is to have help when you need it so you can enjoy time with your kids, have one on one, do exercise or relax when you have time to yourself.

I had a 24month age gap and found it so hard - I would have loved the support of a nanny!

Ytcsghisn · 17/11/2024 17:08

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:04

Well if the nanny is full time then in my worldly view op you are not a sahm.

You can dress it how you like op 😂😂

You can also crack on with your lovely swimming and daily steams but in the true sense of the word you are not carrying out the role on your own

I mean you literally pay someone to parent whilst you are in the room 😂😂 sounds fab but don’t try to kid yourself that you are a sahm. In reality you do not stay at home you do what you like throughout the days

I am not jealous btw but my pride would never have allowed me to do what you do. I’d never have wanted others to think I couldn’t manage on my own and tbh isn’t it a touch lazy? Is your dh perhaps thinking you could slide into a depression? Does he think you are not capable of going it alone?

I could understand a couple of hours a week here and there so you could get certain things done

Saying others are jealous is a tad ott as there are plenty women who would not want or need the assistance regardless of income.

That doesn’t sound like pride. Plenty of other words to describe it though. None of them flattering.

And has anyone seen such a passive aggressive post to shame a woman for using help that she pays for herself.

This is probably the kind of person OP has been encountering. Hiding jelousy by pretending to be an earth mother.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/11/2024 17:09

If you can afford it and you get enough time with the children to keep them and you happy, I don't see why not. It will make for an easy transition when you go back to work and the only change is that only nanny is there for longer periods than before.

ShinyShona · 17/11/2024 17:13

This isn't judgemental, it's just a matter of fact. A SAHM is a full time job where you do everything at home whilst your partner is the sole earner.

If you have a nanny, you're not a full time SAHM. You're a parent who chooses not to work full time. That's fine if it works for you and your partner but if the relationship ever went south, I can guarantee you would not be considered a SAHM.

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:14

There is just no way that I would pay for a full time nanny whilst on maternity leave

Absolutely not.

If you think I am jealous then you are truly mistaken.

@Ytcsghisn

i don’t think I was passive aggressive I think I made my opinion quite clear?

Just because a handful of people have come on and said you are great for doing this it doesn’t mean there’s millions of others who wouldn’t do it

And for the same reasons as me!

Simply as you can understand why she does it why not simply understand why I wouldn’t

Itoldyousoo · 17/11/2024 17:15

How many posts do we see on here with women complaining that they cannot handle one child never mind two !

Are they told to be proud, be a real mum, have dignity and woman up? No it's usually call on the husband or someone else to help🙄
It is sheer jealousy if people judge having a nanny and none of their business.

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:15

@ShinyShona

exactly

KoalaCalledKevin · 17/11/2024 17:16

ShinyShona · 17/11/2024 17:13

This isn't judgemental, it's just a matter of fact. A SAHM is a full time job where you do everything at home whilst your partner is the sole earner.

If you have a nanny, you're not a full time SAHM. You're a parent who chooses not to work full time. That's fine if it works for you and your partner but if the relationship ever went south, I can guarantee you would not be considered a SAHM.

I agree she's not a SAHM. She's on maternity leave. And plenty of people continue with childcare for their older child while on maternity leave with their younger. My oldest continued at nursery.

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:17

@Itoldyousoo

believe it or not - most people’s solution to the irritations of motherhood is not a full time nanny

truly it is not!

Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:18

ShinyShona · 17/11/2024 17:13

This isn't judgemental, it's just a matter of fact. A SAHM is a full time job where you do everything at home whilst your partner is the sole earner.

If you have a nanny, you're not a full time SAHM. You're a parent who chooses not to work full time. That's fine if it works for you and your partner but if the relationship ever went south, I can guarantee you would not be considered a SAHM.

I admit I used the wrong phrase of wording. I’m on mat leave!

OP posts:
Itoldyousoo · 17/11/2024 17:18

@Ytcsghisn

"I am not jealous btw but my pride would never have allowed me to do what you do. I’d never have wanted others to think I couldn’t manage on my own and tbh isn’t it a touch lazy? Is your dh perhaps thinking you could slide into a depression? Does he think you are not capable of going it alone? "

I would suggest you think too much about what OTHERS think about you as opposed to it being your own business. Do you always feel judged by your husband and others?