My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

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To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

Great video @Careerdecisions

You are aiming too high, to start you need to get clarity on your physical health get your vit D & folic acid I felt much better when I was supplemented as I was low. Start out this cardiac & hormonal issues might be worth going to women’s health clinic they tend to be more up to date on PCOS. Exercise just start small research has said 10 mins brisk walking in daylight can have a longer acting effect than medication. You cannot expect someone else to make you happy you have to be happy within yourself. Ask for help family & doctors mental health teams re the best people tell them you are struggling, you might want to rethink your living arrangements sure not making you feel better. Think about giving back, litter picking, phone friend to elderly person just small things that make you feel proud of yourself, you might already do these things if so great. That’s all I can think of now sure others will give you their input. Best of luck

This video is good from Therapy in a Nutshell. At the end she starts talking about how she learned how to say 'Yes' to making simple things in her life rather than no.
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because our minds say 'No' before we've even tried anything.
Our minds want certainty and being pessimistic is a fear response, if we expect the worst we'll always be armed and prepared. If I don't change anything I won't have to experience the discomfort of doing things that don't feel safe or 'nice' or even 'ok'.

Op these are called automatic negative thoughts and you need to work really hard at overcoming them. Have you considered referring yourself some CBT? It’s hard work and you have to put in the effort but it can help change how you think about things.

What therapies did you try? Have you tried EMDR (recommend for trauma) or somatics (stuck in flight or flight)?

I find exercising boring, but I also resent the time I spend brushing my teeth. Just do it. 3 months after starting my regime, I feel so much better, can see the physical and mental benefits, for the rest of the day and for the longer term. Is the word ‘discipline’ allowed?

Totally agree only you can change this. Also really wrong to have moved in with partner while you feel
like this it’s never going to work. Stay on your own until you can feel better as really not fair

I get the not being really happy thing. I've had depression for years and my meds do keep it in check but a couple of weeks ago I was out with DD and all of a sudden I felt happy for the first time in forever. I'm hoping that my not down state is going to disappear.

I also understand the pain. Try something like ibugel or other painkilling gel.

I’m glad you are taking some of the feedback here on board. When you are feeling low, it will be hard to hear, but
“if you always do, what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”
Your boyfriend probably didn’t realise how much your negative mindset and low mood would drag him down. You said he believed that moving in with you would help, so he must have thought, it would lift you up. As has been said already, living with a depressed person is very tough. This early in a relationship, it could quickly be disastrous. It will be hard to motivate yourself to do things along. It sounds as if he’d be happy to walk (or whatever) with you. Share activities until you feel mentally stronger. Saying you don’t want to do something because you found it boring is so sabotaging, both to yourself and your relationship. Being a bit bored is the least of your problems.

Instead of gym, why don’t you try a class? Or swimming, yoga or Pilates or something?? Boxing or something you might not think you like until you try ❤️

Please don't try to "change your life" tomorrow that is an unattainable goal and when it inevitably doesn't work you'll feel worse

Instead, find one thing that you can change. Try something new for your skin, get off the bus one stop earlier and walk a little bit further, block 20 minutes in your calendar for a gratitude meditation at lunch time. Just one small thing that you can do. Grab a sheet of paper and make yourself a chart and tick off every day that you do it for 30 days. Remember, it takes 30 days to form a positive habit. Once you're on track with that one change (10 - 15 days) you can add another one.

I strongly recommend you start with a meditation activity because it will help you on many, many other levels. Gratitude or loving kindness meditations are great for people in your situation.

Small, incremental steps are much more manageable and can have very positive results, especially if you follow your progress with your grown-up star chart. Rebooting your life is a journey, not a single step so be kind to yourself.

Atomic Habits by James Clear is an interesting read.

Above all, be kind to yourself (I know I've already said that but I think it is important enough to be repeated). You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do anything you want but you can't do everything, especially not all at the same time.

Sorry to jump on this post but I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I am on the list for ASD assessment. I never knew this about ADHD meds could you possibly tell me a bit more? Are you medicated for your ADHD if it then affects your asd? Hope you don't mind me asking and if you want to pm instead that's totally fine! X

Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist? Sounds like you might be experiencing clinical depression.

Personally, I tried talk therapy for a long time, and while that helped a little bit, it didn't help as much as getting on medication did. I held off for a long time because I believed a lot of negative things about meds that turned out not to be true.

It's also not fair of your bf to ask you what's wrong and then be upset when the conversation goes late into the night (if I'm understanding that correctly.) I'm not one to recommend breaking up as a first line of advice, but I would say he ought to apologize for that if you mention it to him and not do stuff like that anymore. Lest you find a new man.

Swimming would help with your back pain and overall mood. You sound depressed, and the only way to overcome depression is to start somewhere, whether it’s exercise or depression or any kind of action

Sounds manipulative af. He coaxed you into a late night conversation and then blamed you for it. Then after, it became all about him and how you had upset him.

Maybe your mental health would improve without the manipulation?

I’ve recently been very down and struggling with a few health issues and struggling for answers at the doctors. I’ve also got palpitations and I’m seeing a cardiologist next year. My mental health was very low and I felt like everything I tried wasn’t working and there isn’t much I haven’t tried.
The problem is that I was giving up on things without actually giving them a proper go. Vitamins and medication can actually take a couple of months to work. If you give up after a couple of weeks, you might not have got the full benefit yet. I say this from experience. I was going to give up on my HRT patches after 6 weeks, but after 2 more weeks, it felt like a cloud was lifting.
Same with exercise - it takes a couple of weeks to start feeling the benefits.
Also making time for me a couple of times a week helps, even if it’s just for a quick face mask or filing and painting my nails. I’m starting to see the improvements in my skin, too.
I use a meditation app and make sure I do it every day, even if I fall asleep. I force myself to do it even when I don’t want to because I don’t want to be sad, anxious, depressed and ill all the time and I feel like it’s starting to work, but it’s taken a while. I also journal and do a gratitude list every day. Again, this felt forced at first, but now I am finding lots of things to journal about.
I still have some health issues, but I feel a bit more resilient. Sometimes I’ve found it’s just about being kinder to myself and not talking negatively by telling myself I will never get better or it will always be like this - it won’t.
Its hard to pick yourself up when you believe nothing will work (like I did), but there is definitely something that will work for you, it’s just that there maybe isn’t a quick fix and you might have to persevere. For me, I used my kids as motivation. Do I really want my kids to be held back by me? If I give up, how will they feel? If you can find a reason to motivate yourself, and try to stick to it, something will help 💐

I get depression, tried every antidepressant and anti anxiety med going. None of it has ever been as effective as making myself walk every single day with music (enough to get heart rate up). Also look into vid d, maybe get a blood test. The UK does not get enough light to maintain vitamin d levels and I often wonder how many of us are on antidepressants when we should be taking vitamin d

That.

He is actually showing not a great awareness of woman. You need to go through this length of talking so that you can figure out what is best for yourself.
He needs to listen and not make any suggestion except that the idea you say sounds great.

Yes, all women are like that in relationships. Often men don’t realise, but too late, that we JUST want to talk and not have their solutions :)

If he wants to carry on this relationship, it is something that he needs doing. Now. You will both be miserable if he doesn’t. If he can’t, you should end things…after giving him loads of time to try! It is difficult for them 🤷🏼‍♀️ to not give a solution. They do get it though.

Good luck 🌺

Not all women like to navel gaze. We absolutely do not need to bang on for hours about being down.

Hi, I have ADHD and have lived with depression for a long time myself. 👋🏻

Go to the doctors as PPs have suggested and discuss treatment options. Express your concerns re. being assessed for ADHD and potential medication. Lots of people have ADHD and also struggle with their mental health and it isn’t unheard of to be on medication for ADHD and to also receive treatment for MH. Also gonna second PPs saying not to give up on exercise. If you’re consistent with it, it can help massively.

Also, have you ever had CBT before?

Do you struggle with weight? Can you commit to 10k steps a day? This would help with hormones, PCOS and other issues.can you also try a keto or carnivore diet for a while? I think a huge range of issues are diet related.

Also PCOS, ADHD and GAD here. Mood, environment, habit and hormones will all play a part. And it will take time to get a sense of balance.

I think it's understandable that after two years of being together the boyfriend wants to do something rather than just sit and listen. If he hasn't seen any improvement over these two years, any movement or even choice of a direction, I really understand him. I don't know what would be the right thing for him to do, since he already is very supportive. What more can one want, after all a partner is not a therapist. I have the impression he's a nice person, but he is also a human being, and I don't think he's very happy either.

I’m shocked at the amount of judgemental responses on here and everyone telling you what you “should” be doing. Lucky for them they have never felt depressed. Your physical symptoms are most likely down to your mental state - trauma and mental exhaustion stores in the body. My first suggestion would be to go back to your GP and speak to them about getting on the NHS waiting list, or if you can afford it seek out a therapist. You said therapy didn’t work before - maybe you need to find a different therapist. As far as mindset goes, do you want to feel better? What does motivate you? What makes you happy? What would your life look like If you were to wake up tomorrow and it was the right kind of life? If you genuinely can’t answer those things, then perhaps you need to go back onto medication so that you can stabilise your mood which you’ll need to do before talking therapy will work. Best of luck to you.

Oh please, what a ridiculous assumption. People who have been depressed know exactly that she needs to cop herself on if she has any hope of not being imminently single, and everyone sicker
She's not helping herself at all.