My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

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To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

I’ve not said it’s not understandable. It is just not always helpful when people rush to fix/solve when a person just wants to vent / be heard / feel supported. Often empathy and connection is what is needed in these moments, not solutions / attempts of problem solving. Especially late at night. The boyfriend brought the topic up and kept asking, and then became frustrated at the response. He is indeed not her therapist so it is wise he doesn’t attempt to take on a role of rescuer in this situation and just be her partner.

It can be incredibly difficult to just sit with someone in pain and not try to fix it, just sit with them in their pain. It feels very uncomfortable and the urge to make it better is so strong. It is probably why there are so many ‘fixers’ on this thread, telling the OP what to do and making judgements.

I don’t know how you have managed to infer and make the judgement that her boyfriend is a ‘nice person’ and ‘unhappy’. If he is unhappy then he has the autonomy to leave the relationship if he so wants, the OP is not holding him hostage.

May have missed it but I haven't scrolled through all the responses, a therapist would be better for you and your relationship rather than offloading into your boyfriend. Talking therapy for the 6 weeks it's offered on the NHS won't cut it. You sound very depressed and stuck in a rut, you need expert help to get out of it. Also a GP can only prescribe limited medications for anxiety and depression and for many people they don't work. They certainly won't fix your life on their own. If you can afford to, see a general psychiatrist, they would be better qualified than a GP to evaluate your mental health.
Exercise is good for everyone, find something you love or learn to love. I used to hate the gym but had to give up my favourite sport, so I started seeing a PT twice a week in the morning on my two most low days, over time it really helped. I looked forward to it and felt positive afterwards even if it's the only exercise I managed that week. Doing it in morning got it out of the way as well, no excuses of feeling tired, other things in the way etc.
You can change your life but it does take a full commitment. I got severely ill 2 years ago and was diagnosed with a significant mental disorder, I'm still learning to manage and live with it. But I wasn't much unlike you before OP, I was never happy, always stressed, nothing really worked or helped. I moaned to my partner way too much until everything really did go out of control and it was a case of make changes or potentially lose my life along with everything else. It took a year to get to a steady place physically and mentally. I hope in the next couple of years I'll be more confident and healthier. I appreciate now change and recovery takes time but it can be done. Time goes such faster than you think as well. You can do this.

I’ve been here with a relative of mine, her situation sounds exactly like how you are. I can tell you from experience that it is so hard living with someone in your state.

the comments your boyfriend makes about going around in circles etc are very familiar to me. You are being very selfish and self centred to say his suggestions are boring. You do need to change, you need to stop constantly telling yourself how bad you feel, how hard everything is etc etc. start telling yourself how lucky you are to have a home and a partner who is trying to support you, before it’s to late and he leaves for good.

If I ask how are you and you respond with

Problem
Problem
Problem
Problem

I'm going to feel a huge urge to offer

Solution
Solution
Solution
Solution

And if every suggestion gets pushed away, sooner or later I'm going to stop asking.

Money is tight so let’s ignore all the suggestions that say get a PT or a therapist. Things you can do right now which will have a benefit:

• Start walking 10,000 steps a day. You can track on your phone, you don’t need to buy anything new.
• drink at least two litres of water a day.
• do some YouTube workouts. If you have PCOS, there’s some suggestion that HIIT isn’t as effective so maybe try a 30 day yoga challenge.

Change cannot happen overnight but it will never happen if you don’t try something.

In my experience, your OH was trying to help. Men often focus on practical solutions rather than listening in a supportive way. Some of his ideas are very valid. Mild exercise is to be encouraged for back pain. Walking is perfect exercise. Being outside in green spaces is shown to lift mood. And it would be companionable to do this together. It’s free! Go to your gp and take their advice. Give yourself goals that are achievable. Be determined to change your mindset. That last sentence is much easier said than done. Think of others rather than focusing on self. You are having a hard time but it can be better.

Or maybe lots of us have been depressed and know that OP won't get anywhere unless she changes her attitude.

Yes, it's hard - nobody is saying otherwise - but actually when you're stuck in a rut, you sometimes need someone to kick you up the arse and tell you to sort yourself out.

I've been in OP's shoes and honestly, the endless navel gazing doesn't make things any better. She will lose her partner if she carries on the way she is - you can't sit, wallow and bring the mood down constantly and expect people to just go "there there, it's okay". You have to change your attitude and your behaviour or else you'll wake up in ten years time and you'll still be miserable.

Well. Glad you’re not my therapist.

Often empathy and connection is what is needed in these moments, not solutions / attempts of problem solving. Especially late at night.

Then in that case OP needs to look elsewhere for that, not dump on her boyfriend for two hours solid after spending the evening in such a mood that he asks her what's wrong.

I sympathise with her, I really do, but you can't repeatedly trauma dump on someone and expect them to just sit there and take it, and I say that as someone who's been on both sides of this.

Depression is awful and PCOS is awful (I have both) but ultimately you can't rely on other people to fix you - you have to be willing to help yourself and actually make changes even if they feel impossible. Take the fact that OP has been offered medication but doesn't want to take it in case it interferes with a diagnosis she doesn't even have yet - I'm sorry but millions of people take medication for both depression and ADHD - yet she doesn't even want to try.

Read your first line again. "My life needs to change TODAY' as if you are waiting for something or someone to do something. Your inner speak needs to change. How about My life is going to change TODAY. And I am the person that will change it.

So small steps. Every movement is exercise, so move. Walk round the room every hour. Lift your legs, just do something. Don't have to run, do gym, just move. Daily it will get better then you can do more. There are some brilliant helpful messages to your 'cry' for help. Read them. I would also try some mindfulness to get some peace in your mind.
I wish you everything you wish yourself so be positive, love yourself, and change that inner voice. You can get through this if YOU want too. Good luck x

Once when I had a bad bout of depression, after months of inactivity that just had to been gone through, I set my self a schedule of swimming three times a week. I did a number of lengths every time.
It helped me have a routine, so I was eventually able to return to work.

You should probably read my previous posts. I’ve addressed most of this.

Ok your being assessed for ADHD which in itself buggers up motivation. No one who isn't neuro diverse will understand. For those lucky few it really is as simple as "just do the thing" just build the habbit. If you're being assessed assume you are and research it's symptoms and impacts on women it will be eye opening. Don't hide from any of your symptoms, research them to the max so that you know yourself. Hair, skin and pain?you have PCOS you could also have thyroid problems or other hormone imbalances your GP is your friend here but you need to be educating yourself so you can advocate. Get your boyfriend to help then he won't feel so frustrated.

Maybe you need something different. Running will not help your back Look for seated Pilates or beginners yoga . These things are slow and muscle strengthening this will support your spine if it’s degenerative or arthritis. the tone and of the class is restful which I feel you need.
you need to get your cortisol down with meditation mindfulness.

I have been on the edge so often and eventually I embraced what I thought was twaddle and guided meditation from Meditainment was my go to. If you fall asleep then you obviously need sleep.

meds such as citalopram completely reduced my anxiety. So much so I can fly and talk coherently without feeling anxious.
try and train your mind to see positives.
f you find yourself feeling down or catastrophysing then turn your mind to the sky a tree a flower a pretty colour a lovely ornament.
go on holiday if you can . Get some warmth under an sumbrella .
please try some counselling c b t is good for these feelings.
good luck I was you. Three times I was on the edge of life . Now I’m completely feeling better . ( after a functional stroke)

@gamerchick You misunderstood op and my post I think. In no way she said she was doing his headin’ purposely talking for hours about how down she feels.
she actually said that he brought the topic on, questioned her some more while giving her SOLUTIONS.
Now, that won’t work because, as kind as it is he tries, she doesn’t need him to solve her issues...just to listen...when she wants to talk about it.

Ask her then blame her to talk isn’t on. Start late then blaming her he can’t rest isn’t on. Giving her solutions so that she stop feeling down and he gets to feel better isn’t on. Expect her to jump at same old ideas she already refused so that he feels he is done good isn’t on... see where I am going?

He needs to either accept that she is feeling down and he loves her so he support her in any ways SHE decides ir he decides he can’t continue. These are his choices. She has kinda the same.

Nothing good can come from forcing her to feel any different than how she says she feel.

I think her boyfriend is a nice person because he at least tries to help her, sits with her and talks. I think he's unhappy because she said he's cross with her. I don't think that conclusion is far-sought.

This
And all your other comments are so, insightful completely agree.

I don’t see how your inferred conclusion helps the OP. It seems like you are trying to suggest that there is a poor, nice, long suffering boyfriend who is so kind to talk to his difficult, demanding and impossible girlfriend who has the audacity to disclose her feelings after he asked her multiple times. This narrative makes me uncomfortable because I really don’t think women should be grateful for the bare minimum from men - ‘he at least tries to help’ - as he surely should, he’s in this relationship of his own free will. There is also such a lack of kindness and empathy towards the OP from many posters, and incredible ignorance about mental health. I hope OP takes most of these replies with a hefty pinch of salt.

You're terribly confused if you think everyone on mn is a therapist.

saying op needs to ‘cop herself on!’ It’s quite clear comments like these aren’t coming from therapists or indeed people who have a true understanding of mental health, there’s no confusion.

I didn't say any of the things you see in my words. I'm just glad for the OP that she has a listening and caring partner. I don't see how saying this is insensitive or unkind. Do we háve to be angry at every man? And I'm not a therapist at all, I only try and be a good friend, a good neighbour, a kind person.

I've been in therapy (and on medication) for depression and anxiety and also have PCOS like OP does and yes, I do think she needs to give herself a shake and start making changes.

I have every sympathy for her and I know how bloody hard it is, but sitting and wallowing all the time isn't going to make you feel better and it's not going to make your symptoms or problems go away - in fact, it's the opposite. It's one of the unfortunate catch 22's of depression - you don't feel able to do anything but doing nothing only makes your depression worse - it's really, really shit.

But ultimately you have to get yourself up, dust yourself off and start making changes - nobody else can do that for you.

@gamerchick You misunderstood op and my post I think

No I didn't. You generalised, you don't speak for all women and this need to talk you think we all have.

We don’t need to be angry at every man but we don’t need to hold men to ridiculously low standards either.

Not confused at all. It was a sarcastic comment because here you are, behaving like a (terrible) armchair one.....