My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

[Cooky1998]

To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

The only person who can help you to feel better is you. You are choosing not to persevere with different antidepressants, therapy or exercise. Therefore, you are choosing to live your life like this. I know that sounds harsh, but I needed cold hard truths when I was very ill. And once you accept that this is all in your control, it is actually very empowering because you realise you can change your life

It took 6 months and trying four different antidepressants to left me out of a very dark depression. There is a tendency to think they are a quick fix but that is not true at all. two made no difference, one made me feel worst. it was the forth one that really helped.

Great post. I had back pain and found walking everyday really lowered it, until it disappeared. That and yoga. Somatic exercises also can help you relax and can be effective. You just have to stick to something, and as the pain level decreases, you will feel emotionally heaps better. I hope things get better for you.

Do you drink alcohol? Because that can really effect your mood. What's your food like?. Find exercise you enjoy or just do as much walking as you can. Listen to Just one thing - Michael Mosley. Lots of great tips. And when you feel better look for a new job. There's light at the end of the tunnel but your boyfriend is right, you need to make changes.

Just curious what is your diet like?
The wrong foods can make you feel like utter shite physically and mentally. Not saying it's that but could be a factor.

I would look for the root cause of the problem...no amount of meds or exercise or therapy will help without dealing with what is causing these feelings. Also try not to 'fix' yourself. Many ppl are told to 'get better' and no one tells you how to do this and when you find it hard then you feel worse that you have failed.

My advice is to try not to 'fix' yourself but learn to accept what is causing your harm. Work on what is causing you these feelings and if this will impact on your life for long term etc and then think about times when you need to reprocess and times when this reprocess won't need to happen and pencil this in - take time for those feelings and self care before and after. Explore how these are normal feelings and not abnormal or in need of fixing and that will help change how you feel about mental health and improve how you feel as you are no longer striving towards a goal set by others that you feel unachievable..learning to understand helps way more than trying to 'fix' something that is not broken ...part of the issue is other people telling you to get better when you are not unwell. They cause some of the problems.

I don't know what ADHD are some posters having - it sounds nothing like mine and shares everything with depression.
I'm fully "on" or fully "off". I do stay up very late but that's to pursue my interests, make plans, write important emails, think big thoughts that stop me from sleeping, deep-dive random topics... I'm not up late to wallow in misery.
I'm terrible in the mornings and can't get going but how could it be otherwise after the night before.
I don't exercise at the moment but I lead a very physically demanding life (my job and building works) so I'm spent in that way. Sedentary lifestyles are my nightmare.
I do "crash" and can spend a few days in bed asleep, on a downer, with no self-care and with no contact with anyone. I've accepted that I live on excited highs that burn up my energy and the lows just come with that.
Most people would describe me as always in the rush and often late happy and energetic person and seemingly care-free.
I am impulsive and my life is often very far from the norm as a result. My executive functioning fails me on very basic repetitive tasks that should be a normal perogative of adult life. Parenting... My ExH has taken over.

If everything is ADHD then nothing is. And that does concern me.

@Cooky1998

Maybe you are doing the wrong exercise for you? Running or going to the gym is not for everyone.

If you have a bad back exercise in water can help. The water supports your joints. I have arthritis and I do aqua aerobics and aqua therapy three or four times a week. Some days I struggle to get out of bed because of the pain and stiffness, but I get up and go to the pool because I absolutely know it will help.

I see the same people at these classes because they are in the same boat and also recognise the benefits of water exercise. A lot of them also do yoga and Pilates, because they find they also help.

When I was being treated for stress and depression, the doctor recommended getting out into the fresh air every day and socialising on a regular basis. Going for a walk, especially when the sun is shining, lifts you, and I defy anybody not to feel better after a couple of hours having a laugh and putting the world to rights with a good friend.

You've had some great advice on this thread. I hope some of it, if only one post, spurs you on and helps you turn the corner.

Good luck.

Sometimes it takes the threat of losing someone you care about to start helping yourself. Almost all of my positive change has come from negative situations! I have read, although am not sure, that whilst weight loss is difficult with PCOS it will reduce symptoms. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of your MH struggles are in part related to hormonal imbalances. It's an overlooked area of female well-being.
If your handle refers to your birth year, you are still young and there is no reason to expect that positive change will come in the future if you keep trying new things. DBT worked well for me, as did quitting alcohol (if you are a drinker - see Allen Carr's fantastic Easyway Method for help), and losing weight (if you are overweight obviously).
If your job is particularly stressful, you must consider a change. Consider applying for PIP as well.

I would definitely get your thyroid checked the things you are saying are symptoms of a thyroid condition - low mood, bad hair and skin, exercise intolerant and lacking energy/motivation.

If you have a bad back exercise in water can help. The water supports your joints. I have arthritis and I do aqua aerobics and aqua therapy three or four times a week. Some days I struggle to get out of bed because of the pain and stiffness, but I get up and go to the pool because I absolutely know it will help.

100%. I'm hypermobile and I absolutely can't run. Even when I swam at county level as a teenager I couldn't run. It hurts my body and I just can't do it. I'm a bit evangelical about swimming, but I've really seen it do miracles for people who claim to hate exercise. In addition to the fact its a whole body workout that combines cardio and (some) resistance, there's something about the whole process of being submerged in water and changing temperatures that gives you the "good" kind of tiredness afterwards.

Telling yourself your life needs to change today is putting impossible pressure on yourself. It's a long haul process. Let that pressure go.

For your partner - Being in a relationship with a person with multiple health and other issues is incredibly difficult.

When we first got together my partner used to start conversations late at night when I was trying to get to sleep for a 5am start and a motorway drive to a demanding job. It was maddening.

From everything you've written I think you may just not be in the right place for a relationship right now.

I think it was a mistake for yours to move in, and he's realising it.

You sound very "I've tried nothing, man, and I'm all out of ideas".
You won't take suggestions for exercise, because they're boring or you tried and didn't like? Well guess what, stuff you need to do IS boring and you do it anyway. Sounds like you really do need to exercise and you just won't. .
Medication didn't work? We'll try another and another and another until you find one that does. Stop giving up immediately.

Stop talking AT him.for hours, late at night. Try going to bed earlier, getting up earlier and going some exercise. Eat properly, get some meds, and most of your issues will be vastly improved.

I really don’t think the OP, or anyone, should ask themselves this everyday. This sounds like toxic positivity to me. It’s impossible for someone to be ‘fun’ to live with all the time and puts a totally unrealistic amount of pressure on a person. Attitudes like this are what make people ashamed to speak out and suffer in silence.

All humans go through ups and downs, likewise relationships. A good life partner will weather storms with you and be supportive during the hard times. In fact that is often when you really get to know a person. Having to fake a smile and act fun and jolly when you are going through difficulties is inauthentic and damaging.

Of course I’m not saying that a dynamic where one person in the relationship is constantly in victim mode and unwilling to help themselves, and the other constantly trying to help and rescue, is healthy. But presumably we are only seeing a snippet of the OPs life and relationship here. Presumably the OPs partner moved in with her of his own free will, so there must be things he enjoys about her and the relationship.

I hope the OP can take any helpful suggestions from this thread and move forwards.

@schmeler Really good insightful advice

Is it that you don't want him to offer solutions but just be kind and cuddle you or make you a bath or other affectionate things? Because, you say yourself you know all these solutions are out there, so going over them again isn't going to improve your emotions.

Be careful with the chronic back pain + gym. We only get one body. Walking and stretching, yoga - all better to start with and will keep you fascia stretched and loose.

I really feel for you. It's so hard to pull yourself out of low places especially with lots of health conditions too. Make sure you are kind to yourself 💕

I don't have advice for everything you've said here but as a fellow PCOS sufferer I can see that a lot of your mental and physical symptoms will be caused by that and it is quite easy to fix. Your hair and skin issues are likely caused by excess testosterone caused by PCOS. If you check out the PCOS dietician (Jodie relf) on Instagram she has great advice for managing PCOS.

Hormonal imbalances will wreak havoc with your mood too. I have gone through many periods in life where I've felt super low and blood sugar has been crazy because of my PCOS and I'm so irritable and sad. But when I addressed the PCOS with diet and supplements it helped immensely. It takes approx 3 months minimum to see changes but you can see changes in mood earlier than that.

A lot of women with PCOS sufferer from inflammation which might be contributing to stuff like your back pain but that could be unrelated.

Just wanted to leave that info there. It won't be like this forever. Treat yourself with kindness and take baby steps to get yourself feeling better xx

Exercise IS boring. You do it for the benefits, not for fun. If you sometimes happen to enjoy it, that is a bonus and not to be relied on.

I am being tested for adhd so I am weary of starting any other medication now in case I get diagnosed and need medication for that

This is just an excuse. You seem to have a lot of excuses for doing nothing about your situation. Only you can make this better. You need to change your mindset and stop being so negative about everything. Be grateful for what you DO have rather than ruminating on your problems. You have a boyfriend who cares about you (and seems to have the patience of a saint) and a job, I'm sure there are plenty of other things too.

Sorry yo hear this OP. It must be hard for you but also for him.

Things that help me with my mood

Vitamin D 4000 IU i use nutravita

Chelated Magnesium. I use Solgar

Meditation: I use the mindful movement guided meditation from you tube. There are many good ones from Sarah Raymond. I start the morning with a gratitude meditation. The evening with self healing meditation

Yoga: I do 15 min every morning and sometimes afternoon, evening.

Listening to music, getting the sun, going for a walk.

Have you had blood tests to check vitamins, iron, etc.

IDK, I think she's been given a really hard time.

I've been there and the fact that nobody understands, thinks you aren't trying or wants to throw solutions at you which you've already tried and know won't work is incredibly frustrating. Especially when they couple that with this air of superiority like they know what the solution is and if you'd just do it then you'd be fine, so the fact you're not doing it means you're making a bad choice and you need to be told off like a naughty child. It's really really lonely and can put you into a very bad place. Even though I actually do get that the responses are well meaning and probably would work for that person and the tellings off are supposed to be tough love, not horrible, but they still feel like that anyway, like the person writing thinks you're just putting it on and playing up for sympathy. Remember that the fear is literally that nothing is going to work and it will never get better. Now imagine thinking that and people keep cheerfully (or chidingly) suggesting all the things which have never helped before.

Not every response has been like that but a lot of them have been and they would have upset me and made it hard for me to engage.

I hope that she is at least reading the other posts. And I hope the ADHD investigation is helpful whatever it turns up.

From just reading the first few posts of yours on this thread I wondered if you were ND as you sounded very similar to me before I realised I was AUHD

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2023 and ASD in 2024. I had no idea about the ASD until I started taking the ADHD meds .... when some AUHD people take ADHD meds it reduces the ADHD symptoms which then "enhances" asd symptoms

I'm not a proffesional, but I bet your AUHD too and the reason you get so down is because your burn out which is often mistaken for depression

I really struggle with motivation, something that has helped me this year is to not think about what I should be doing and to just do it. For example, I’ve recently started a new job after a few years of unemployment, I just have to get out of bed, dress and go. I eat breakfast when I get there. If I think about getting up and going to work I just procrastinate and put it off. When I think about if I want to do something or not, I usually don’t want to do it so I don’t do it. With my new method of not thinking about tasks I find I’m much more active.

I worked in mental health for a while and it was really hard working with patients that refused to put the effort in with their mental health as we knew it would help them. I completely understand how difficult it is to motivate yourself at times to go for the walk/exercise but if you make yourself get your heart rate up for even 30mins a day your mental and physical health will improve. It may take a bit of time but it will! Healthy eating is also a huge contributor that will make a positive difference to mental and physical health. I’ve tried so many things as I don’t enjoy exercising either but I walk my dog and I like stretching/yoga. I’ve also recently started skipping and forcing myself to a gym class once a week. I don’t enjoy it at the time but feel good after and I feel good knowing I’ve done something positive for my body. Same with home cooked meals, I don’t love the preparation but I feel much better knowing I’ve eaten healthy for my body. It’s taken a while to shift my mindset but once you’re able to, the benefits are great. Is there anything you enjoy doing that may help increase your mood? A hobby or interest? Focus on anything positive and fill your life with it as much as you can.

Can't disagree with this!