My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

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To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

Moving in together when you’re in this frame of mind/ body doesn’t sound like a good idea. Do you want the relationship to continue, or is it an extra stress?

I want it to continue. Generally we have a lovely relationship, but I just feel like everything going on in my life is bleeding into it. It’s the first time he’s seemed upset and fed up, and I want to change my life

If you genuinely believe that nothing will work, then nothing will work and involving another person in your situation is cruel. Maybe you don't need to fake motivation but then you need to fake feeling OK because living with someone who is feeling down is very draining. Especially if, every time you try to help, the person is telling you that "you just don't understand". Ultimately, his needs are not being met in this relationship and you don't feel up for it. Perhaps, it is time to reconsider you being in one and, instead, focus on your own recovery.

There’s different medications to try - how long did you try for? It can take a few months to really see the improvement.

You sound very overwhelmed, I would make an appointment with the doctor as there may be other medications you can try.

can you manage a short walk with your back pain?

Why not listen to some of his suggestions then? Exercise might help even if it's boring, you still need to do it and it DOES have benefits which you will feel. I couldn't cope with a partner either sulking any saying nothing or going on about the same thing for hours while ignoring all advice either, it's draining. You need some sort of action plan short term and long term, can you go for a daily walk together for part of the exercise? Itl help clear your head and it's free, doing it with him makes it less dull if you don't enjoy it. Long term, can you job hunt? What do you and him enjoy doing together?

I think you too quickly dismiss exercise and it must be quite difficult for him seeing someone he cares for refusing to do stuff that most people do benefit from

It doesn't matter if you tried it before and it's boring - how boring is it to be always in the dumps? I dread going for a run but I go because of how I feel afterwards

I second this. It took me years to get on the right combination of meds for my mental health (and indeed physical health - the two are so closely linked)

Are you using anything right now to improve your mental health, ie counselling or medication? I would see your doctor asap to get something going - even if you've tried before, give it another shot

I know. I do sometimes go to the gym and also I have been for a few runs.
it’s so weird because I don’t feel like I feel the benefits. I feel just as bad as I did before I exercised/ran so I don’t bother

I am being tested for adhd so I am weary of starting any other medication now in case I get diagnosed and need medication for that

Your boyfriend is in ‘fixer’ mode rather than ‘listening’. It sounds frustrating for the both of you. It is understandable why you are struggling, it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate and you need a break. Can you take some time off work and plan in some relaxation time? And ring fence quality time to spend with your partner? You could get a referral for therapy in the NHS if you think it could help - I’d be mindful of your partner taking on a role of rescuer in your relationship which wouldn’t be a healthy dynamic at all. I hope things improve for you OP.

We'll keep doing it, walk or join a class and do Pilates or something, make it non optional.

Only you can change your life. So you have to change your mindset! You have got into your head that nothing so far has worked and perhaps anything you try in the future will fail as well. That is very defeatist!!
Plenty of people have health issues and learn to live with them. So you need to do the same. You may have some limitations but you adapt your life to those limits - don't just write them off!!
Your boyfriend is right when he says to get up and do something - then do it!! Just in the moment go for a short walk or clean the bathroom!! You are just doing something instead of bemoaning your fate and you will have a small achievement of distracting yourself.
Harsh though it is some people do like to moan!! Irritating and depressing for everyone around them. When you are in one of these moods your boyfriend should just take himself off and do his thing and leave you to it. Not everyone wants to hear the same thing over and over with no changes made. It's on you OP to change if you want a happier outlook.

You need an action plan OP! Your apathy and inertia leaps off the page and you have two choices:
do nothing
or
do something

Get to the drs and finish the investigations: hormones, thyroid, vit D, Vit 12, Diabetes etc
Explore medications for depression

Make 2 simple changes to your diet: take away one unhealthy thing and introduce 1 healthy thing

Aim to walk 30-60 mins every day

Plan a fun night out with the BF

See friends

Set up some good sleep habits - set bedtime, no screens for an hour before sleep, wake up & get up at the same time each day

You WILL feel more in control when you take control. It will also mean your BF can see that you are trying to do something to help yourself.

good luck

If nothing works then you have to accept it, but honestly I find it hard to believe. There is a sport/activity/ therapy/ medication for everything you just need to find the right combination for you.

Your partner needs to stop trying to fix things, he is not your parent. It is utterly soul destroying dealing with someone who doesn't take personal responsibility though and negs out on everything.

I’m in such a rut at the moment. My skin and hair are also terrible and I am going through investigations worth the GP, I’ve been referred to various specialists but not being seen until January

I know it's hard to change and results are not instant - but you only have one life and you have a boyfriend who is trying to support you

Don't wait on tests and hope for magical cures - it's all within you that change will come

I read the first line and thought you need to exercise properly and more. Whether you enjoy it or not. you need to do it. It needs to be in your routine. Sitting in your house every evening waiting for sleep is not good for you. if your bf was posting I would advise him to leave, as your fixed mindset will damage you both.

You should decide what three evenings you are going to the gym and stick with it. It doesnt matter how you feel about it on those evenings. You go anyway. Have a set time to be out if the door and nothing stops that.

look at what you dow with your spare time. Switch the tv off and leave it off and instead add games, boardgames, reading, walking. Screen time is damaging.

Do you have a basic skin care routine? Won't fix hormonal issues but it's something you can control and is worth doing, youd see small differences. Are you taking vitamins while waiting for the referral?

So let's start there. Go and wash your hair and blow dry it properly. Have a search through your bathroom bits - you are sure to have a forgotten Xmas present which may include a facial scrub, face mask or whatever. Just get up and do it!! Now!!

Things like exercise don’t ‘fix’ you after one run or one trip to the gym, they need to be part of a healthy routine along with the sleep routine that a pp describes. Without them everything is worse, it becomes a downward spiral into apathy and pain.

You’re doing the same here aren’t you? Batting away all suggestions because they won’t work.

Read what @BrunchBarBandit has written and read it again.

How did he know to ask what was wrong?
You said 'I felt down' so what was he seeing in the room...someone gone silent and not responding, someone sort of huffy, someone giving surly answers?

You sound like my husband used to be. And I am like your boyfriend.
DH went on antiDs and things changed.
He's been in therapy for a few years now so he stops acting out his emotional pain with me.

I also drew his attention to the fact that when he was with me he took on a certain role of someone fragile, hurt and in need of sympathy.
He had an enduring story of himself that he was on the receiving end of other people's bad behavior. He was going into the victim role with me because he was unable to healthily verbalise his emotions or change his role.
I did call him on it at the right time and it did say it resonated.

If you are prone to using Victim type form of coping then you seek a Rescuer.

Therefore if you were to get 'well' or look after your own emotional needs, that might deny you the ability to find someone to love you.
(When you have fallen into this pattern)

So you end up complaining to your 'helper' about how bad things are.
The 'helper' doesn't get the dynamic and starts suggesting fixes. The sad helpless victim rejects that because it's not what they wanted.

What they wanted was 'oh poor baby how can Mummy help' but they don't get that response because the 'helper' gets weary of the hamster wheel.

Then the victim then feels worse because 'nobody cares or understands me... I'll have to get worse and cry louder.'

Did you try psychodynamic therapy or acceptance and commitment therapy?

I think getting into long emotional conversations late at night rarely ends well. We tend to follow a rule at home that if we want to speak about something difficult / stressful we sleep on it first and talk about it in the morning, and 9 times out of 10 things feel better in the morning, and the conversation is sensible and leads to a good outcome. Tiredness in itself often leads to irritability and disturbed moods. At night if one of us is feeling grumpy / moody we tend to just try and distract ourselves e.g. watch a funny film with a cup of tea and then get an early night and just have a hug - no words needed necessarily, and it helps. Not much comes of getting into discussing it late at night.

Also exercise is essential. Its boring but you gotta do it. Find your local parkrun or an exercise class. Get a PT. It needs to be scheduled into your life like any important appointment would be.