My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

[Cooky1998]

To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

OP I get what your saying but only you can change your life. You need a plan to get out of this mentality that your stuck in otherwise you will always stay there and nothing will change.
Clean your space
Organise time out and stick to it
Apply for benefits if you're struggling for money
Look at therapy again it's not a one size fits all it needs to be tailored to yourself.
When my space is clean it helps with my mood and adhd especially procrastinating
Speak to your GP or mental health nurse about what options there are for medication I get you don't want to start any right now but honestly that's bullshit if youre being treated its reasonable to try meds ie sertraline has a crossover at treating depression but also adhd many meds can treat multiple conditions.
Try getting a hobby or something you enjoy doing you could try art, journalling, colouring anything to calm your mind.
Get up and go to sleep at the same times it's really beneficial to your health that you have sleep to reset all of your hormones
Keep a diary of everything that's happening in your head getting it out actually calms the mind but it also gives you evidence of what you're going through daily.
Getting out of a rut takes time but you can't do anything without a plan to get out of it.
You will have good days and bad days that's normal but push through them remember tomorrow is a new day. You decide how that day is going to be.
Your bf needs to realise you can't snap out of depression or adhd or any other mh problems and not being able to talk about things is frustrating to both of you. Have you tried giving him literature on your conditions/possible conditions knowledge is the key to clear communication about your conditions. They may explain a lot of things that you're struggling to verbalise.
Be kind to yourself if you need something say what you need.
Always here for a chat if you want some help with adhd literature xx

I completely agree @BertieBotts There’s been a lack of empathy and flippant remarks throughout the thread which have been painful to read. Depression and chronic pain can make people feel hopeless and stuck and self defeating, it’s not necessarily a character defect. If it was as easy as ‘just do it’ then the OP would have done it by now. If the solution was so clear and easy then she wouldn’t be posting.

I hope OP has taken something from the more helpful posts.

Why did your boyfriend ask you what was wrong so late in the evening? He doesn't want long chats late at night so why didn't he ask earlier? Then he blames you when you answer him.
Can you change things? Go to the GP or consider changing jobs? Arrange to exercise with a friend so you make a commitment not just to you but to someone else too.
I hope things get better for you.

Sounds like u need to visit yr go for a mh assessment, as u r struggling with every day life.

@QueenCamilla it's a common pattern in ADHD but it doesn't mean every person with ADHD will experience it. I think it's actually just a sign that someone has been struggling and failing to tread water for a very very very long time but has been prevented from drowning by some kind of circumstance.

When it happened to me I just kept thinking oh it's puberty, oh it's because college is different to school, oh it's because I've got a new baby, oh it's because that relationship was abusive, oh it's normal when you have a toddler, oh this stage of parenting is even more challenging. Oh I've moved abroad so of course it's hard.

I didn't notice the patterns and I was drowning, but because I kept moving through different situations and I was doing well in certain areas, none of the supports caught me. I also ended up very isolated because I spent so much time online dissociating/hiding from real life because it was genuinely frightening to look at it. I am still trying to break this habit now even though I'm doing a thousand times better and if I could have seen myself now ten years ago, I'd be so amazed and happy.

I don't know if that is what burnout is. It doesn't feel like burnout, it feels like a specific thing where executive dysfunction compounds to cause a sort of endless cyclical domino effect that you're buried under the weight of all these continual failures. It wasn't depression, even though it felt like it. That was the thing that really really got me. I knew that I was having thoughts which were consistent with depression, but I was also really sure that they weren't irrational, so how could it be depression.

I feel for you, OP, but you can't carry on like this. I've been with someone who was this low all the time, and it becomes toxic. It's exhausting trying to help someone who basically doesn't want to be helped. I know it's not easy, and no one is saying fake it, but you need to take control of your own life.

Write a routine. Wake up, do some exercise. Even a 30 minute YouTube video. Make a meal plan even if it's loose; nourishing food that will be good for you. Plenty of salmon, avocado, veg, salad, lots of greens. Go to the library and find a book you like the look of. Read it. Buy a nice new mug and have your favourite drink in it; I favour herbal teas and there's so many flavours. If you drink alcohol, stop or reserve it for a weekend and only in small amounts.

Get outside every day for at least half an hour. Hair and skin - if it's hormonal, it might not fix it but that doesn't mean pampering won't help. If you can afford a facial, get one. If not, do it at home. Same for nails. Go and get a haircut, even a trim and a blow dry. Buy some new pyjamas and a few new pieces of every day clothing, even loungewear.

Plan some days out. Plan some things to do at home with your partner, even if it's cooking a meal and playing a boardgame. Call your friends and ask to go for a coffee.

The world isn't going to go away. You can either live in it or not, but if you carry on like this it will pass you by and that's a crying shame. Your partner won't put up with it forever. Go back to the GP. They have a duty to help - try new medication, seek therapy.

Omg so many people posting lists of what OP needs to do as though that will somehow help 🤯

Right I have got to put the phone down for a bit and engage with real life!

@Cooky1998 I don't know if anyone has mentioned it but have you tried pilates? I'm going to start doing it. I have a head cold atm so will start once that's shifted.

Your bf sounds very supportive. I hope you can both make it work.

Op has thanked people. They're obviously struggling so people want to help. A lot will have been in similar situations.

I was confused by this too. Nothing in OPs posts suggests ADHD to me (other than saying she's going to have an assessment). She may well have ADHD but reading her few posts on this thread and taking them in isolation, all she's listed are symptoms of depression.

I had chronic back pain for about 18 months and spent a ridiculous amount of money on physios, chiropractors etc. and nothing would fix it. It turned out to be trapped emotional trauma from a situation that lasted about 5 minutes and I hadn’t realised bothered me as much as it did. I went to therapy and it went after two weeks. It sounds ridiculous but the link between your mental state and lower back pain is far greater than people realise. Have a look into it as that’ll be a huge weight off your shoulders. X

I think this is a really important point (and I’m glad your pain has gone!). There is absolutely strong links between mental health / trauma / distress and physical health / pain / inflammation. A holistic approach is really needed otherwise a person can end up trapped in the medical system seeking endless assessments and treatments that don’t address the root cause. Also some of these purely medical interventions can make things worse, contributing to increased pain. There needs to be more of an understanding of the interplay between physical and mental health.

It sounds to me like you have a crap boyfriend

He absolutely kept picking at you because he wanted to vent his feelings. That's bloke behaviour 101. He absolutely knew where it was going to go and wanted a platform to speak about his issues.

Rather than trying to find something that fixes you, how about speaking about how/whether you can stay together when you feel as you do now (which with a chronic pain and poor mental health, you will feel from time to time) Then, together you can come up with a plan for the bad times, but also explore what you might want to do to help yourself, and how can he support it. Also explore what can be done to help him when he is struggling.

You say that work is extremely stressful. Is this something that can be changed? Can you change job? I suffer at times with mental health but my job now is not stressful at all so this makes life so much easier as it's almost like a haven away from my everyday stresses.
I also agree with everyone else with exercise or just getting out and about. When I feel tense some mornings the best thing for me is to get out in the air even I feel like curling up in bed.

I haven't read the full thread but as soon as I read this I said poster is ND and posters bf is NT. This is the same dynamic as me and my partner and he used to say similar things as he understandably just didn't understand why I feel the way I feel. I was exactly like you a few months ago, after 30 years of living with undiagnosed ADHD i got to the point where I couldn't go on anymore and nothing I tried or that was suggested to me helped. It's so hard when someone suggests things that you've heard so many times before and you know they don't help. Someone on here said go and wash your hair now ... If you do have ADHD, like me, that will not help one bit. You know that you have to do it, you know that it will benefit you in the long run, but ADHD paralysis will prevent you from even starting something. I can imagine it is so hard for NT to understand why we can't just get up and go and do what is needed. For years doctors diagnosed me with severe anxiety and depression, no medications worked for me and I have tried them all. I eventually gave up waiting on the NHS and went private because I couldn't stand my life being like this any longer. I was diagnosed and I am now medicated and I feel so much better. If I have to do something it makes it so much easier to actually just get up and do it. The anxiety and depression came from living with undiagnosed ADHD and feeling like a broken human being and me not being able to understand why I can't just go and get in the shower and hold a job down like everyone else. I'm glad you're on the list op because if it is ADHD hopefully the medication will work as well for you as it has for me. I'm new on here just today actually and made an account to reply to you as I honestly know how lonely it can feel when you feel like even the person you love the most doesn't understand. Feel free to pm me (if that's a thing on here?) if you need an ear! X

Only you can change it. He can suggest as much as he likes but you need to do it. It’s about mindset. I would keep trying until you find what does work, diet, exercise, hobbies, holistic options, therapy. You are allowed off days but living in this circle must be hard for you both.

But no one is the same and everyone has different symptons, plus theres 3 types of ADHD so not everyone is the same?

My sister is similar to as youve described yourself and she is a proffesional, has a good job, good life ect.

I have ADHD and I am nothing like you have described

I don't see a lack of empathy - I see a lot of people posting from their own experiences (whether from OP's view or the boyfriends').

The reality is that OP has been offered a lot of professional support - tests, referrals, therapy, medication - at some point, you have to force yourself to stop wallowing and engage with the help you're being given. And I speak from experience here.

I've been diagnosed with MH issues as well as multiple physical health conditions and while it is tempting to sit and dwell on it, you just can't. You have to pick yourself up and carry on, as hard as it is to do that. I don't say that flippantly - I know how hard it is when it feels like you're wading through treacle just to brush your teeth, but at some point you have to take those first steps and get yourself moving. The only other option is to rot.

There have been a number of comments on this thread that lack compassion.

Your experience is your experience. We don’t know what exact support the OP has been offered or how she has engaged with it. NHS mental health care can be pretty dire, and I speak as a mental health professional.

The OP has reached out here and seems grateful for the input. It’s a positive step.

There’s a good Ted Talk by Shawn Achor where he talks about The Happy Secret to Better work. He lays out a scientific approach and suggest five things to do every day that are proven to boost happiness. They do make a difference and I’d recommend you give it a go. www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work?subtitle=en

She says what support she's been offered, it's in her posts. She also says she doesn't think any of it helps so she hasn't engaged with a lot or followed it through. One example is that she doesn't want to take any new medication in case she's diagnosed with ADHD in the future?

She has reached out and that's great, but that doesn't mean posters are obliged to just say and endless stream of positive platitudes. I don't see any harsh or unpleasant posts here, just a lot of good advice based on personal experience.

Well, I disagree. So we can move on.

I have ADHD diagnosed.

I would recommend this therapy you can get on the NHS but there is long waiting times so if you feel you can afford private then do it.
It's called acceptance and commitment therapy. It's very good and helped calm my mind a lot.

Also I recommend the book the happiness trap. It will help explain why your mind does what it does. I would say to you, make a plan.

I have been so down this year to the point I needed two months off of work. I have never ever taken that amount of time off before. But I needed to process what I have been going through.

Now that I have, I have a plan.

What do you actually do for yourself that you enjoy? Do you make time for joy in your life. What do you like to do?

If you don't enjoy the gym, do you enjoy swimming? Can you cut down on any bills and find things cheaper anywhere else?

Ask your DR to refer you to chronic pain department at your local hospital if yoy haven't already.

Can you get in touch with a finance place if you're struggling with bills Etc. I don't know if you have debt but stepchange can help.

What would an ok life for you look like? What would it take to start on those roads?

Start putting yourself first. You deserve better from yourself. If you are ND, life makes it extra hard for us but you can do it. I believe in you!

It's hardly surprising you're not in a good place, OP. You've got a lot going on there.

Have you looked at any online health forums? Have a look at mumsnet general health forum.

If you can manage a walk every day, that would be something. Have a look for gentle exercise videos on YouTube as well.

I don't think your OH is going to be there for you. It's quite early in your relationship to expect that from him. He's shown that he doesn't really want to hear about it.

I hope you feel better soon.