My life needs to change TODAY. Boyfriend has said I’m dragging him down

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To start, I have struggled with multiple things for years. I’ve had an awful lots going on recently but things have been ongoing for years.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years now, and have tried various things. Medication did not work and a few types of therapy were ok but didn’t see long term benefits.
I feel like I’ve got to the point where I don’t feel like things will get better, I’ve tired so hard and been in the same place mentally for years now.
I feel like I am in constant fight or flight mode.

At the moment:

• work is extremely stressful
• I have chronic back pain everyday which I am trying to deal with
• I have had a recent hormone test which showed some abnormalities but need further investigation. I also have PCOS
• I have recently had a heart monitor which showed some abnormalities and, whilst not hugely concerning, they are referring me to cardiology
• Money is tight and struggling to make ends meet each month

Onto my boyfriend - we have been together for 2 years. He’s been great to me, he tries his best to be supportive even though he doesn’t really understand.

Yesterday evening I felt down and he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to bring the mood down so I said nothing. He knew this wasn’t true so he asked me to talk to him. It was 10:30pm.
So I said to him I felt really down, how nothing is getting better, how I feel like I have no hope.

He suggested that I need to exercise more, but he suggested ideas that I either find boring or I have tried before.
1.5 hours later I’m still talking about the same thing, and he starts getting annoyed.

He said to me that I show no self awareness when I get into this state, that it’s midnight and he can’t see how I’m affecting him.
He has brought up starting long conversations late at night before, and yet I continue to do it. He doesn’t understand why I can’t show self awareness, and that I don’t see the impact I have on him. He said I’m bringing him down.
He said if I knew it’d be a long conversation, I should’ve had the self awareness not to do it late at night.
he also said “I don’t get what this conversation has achieved, and what your aim was” because it went round in circles and I didn’t take on his suggestions anyway.

He’s now upset at me.

He also said to me:

• I haven’t been happy for a while, he doesn’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
• I haven’t been happy since we moved in together 6 weeks ago which he thought would help
• I am generally down all the time
• I am not actively trying to feel better.

My issue is, I genuinely believe that nothing will work. Deep down. I can sit here and fake motivation, and say I will try lots of new things, but deep down I feel hopeless. Like nothing makes me feel better and alsmot as if nothing is worth trying?

I really really need to change today. I really don’t know how to get past this

I was diagnosed with ADHD almost two years ago, and as soon as I read your post I wondered if you’d considered ADHD assessment. I’m aware that it’s on my mind a lot and I don’t want to go suggesting it to people left right and centre, but what you describe is almost exactly how I felt for years until my late diagnosis (51yrs). The terrible lack of motivation, the hopelessness and feeling like things will never change.
I hope you find some answers soon. It’s a very painful place to be and I’m sorry you’re struggling x x

Hello. I’m sorry, things sound really hard for you. I have felt similar, that there was nothing that could really help and it was hard to see how things could move forward. I can only offer my experience and hope some of it may be useful. I was paralysed with anxiety, fatigue and brain fog. Advised to take iron tablets, vitamin d and also thyroxine for an under active thyroid. Still didn’t feel good and going the gym or anything like that still felt pointless. I did CBT and read many self help books. After several years (delays due to Covid), I was diagnosed as perimenopausal and prescribed HRT. I thought this was be the ‘answer’ and all would fall into place immediately. It wasn’t. But it did give me something, I can’t quite express it, but a little bit of ‘oomph’. I started doing yoga. I’d tried it before but found it slow, boring and I couldn’t really do much of it. I kept going. I went back to my gp too. I am now also taking sertraline which I was really reluctant to do (I was reluctant to take any medication to be honest). It has made such a difference. Things aren’t perfect but are so much better. I have energy. I have ideas and I am curious about things. I enjoy life. I have days that are not so good but I just sit with days like that and know it will pass. I just wanted to say that it’s likely that there is no one thing that will change your life but lots of little things. Going to bed before midnight (at least), eating generally healthy food and exercise are foundations for everything else. Yoga is now something I look forward too. Something shifts in me when I do it. Love Zumba too, the music is uplifting. Just going outside makes a difference. Baby steps. You will get there.

Hi OP, even your “must change TODAY” post resonates with me. I’m now in my 50s but had a dreadful time with late night convos in my 20s, like you. However, I broadly internalised all my problems, and that’s not healthy either.

what I did that worked, and that might help you.

1. Invest in a goal setting type journal. One with daily prompts to keep you on track. I can’t live without planners, and I’m now using very fancy ones. But below is a link to my gateway ;-) planner.

2.dont expect all or nothing OVERNIGHT CHANGE, CHANGE TODAYetc. Some things do take little and often. I actually learnt this via duolingo, 3 mins a day for the past couple of years, and I’m quite proficient in a foreign lang now. Whereas at your age, I’d have probably thought “I must be great TODAY” etc. is that adhd, I don’t know.

3.get outside EVERY day. This doesn’t need to be runs or tough workouts. Go for a walk. I walk over an hour every day, no matter what. Since I have a busy mind, I always listen to audio books (extra tip from me, since then any walk - inevitably often the same route, has a double pleasure for me at least!)

4.aim to eat well. At the very least ensure dark green salad leaves every single day

5.good for you to be seeking medical overview. I’ve just started on HRT and yes, it is making a very positive difference. But prior to that, I did find certain vitamins of great help (vitamin D especially. Which I still take)

Here’s an example of a planner. But there are so many out there. These days, I prefer dated planners since then I’m forced to fill them in, else the given day might just pass…

www.amazon.co.uk/INSPIRE-NOW-JOURNAL-Productivity-Motivation/dp/B09JCKJHC6/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1HBGVRJATF1IX&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ZeP_gleQDau0kdN4FzKNW3hUN3tIc_A-fouPiE6H4WbhoASRndJ6EF5dDw2KSr38iYsgjvWtvxd193ZCqb7lDypOlQSVxRrTJVQ8NyqNo9c3bvU1awzqq5ATprfYZNoKjvtE2-W00i63qgR7EAvR5OIfgJL4JkDFwkxqYCHvUW-MhX5RQYPBFyunmAe0EFEDMtt_8lpUstB8Pl5Gp3_cFk-lRTqNhB_mVe17ieAEN-Ypz9ID9gaFjvgsqfNk5T9rpMYweTyhSl16niXrh8p3pFIRaISar_tgTxT91j6cvcY.clNEo0WtnaHKbmazI1QrWO3h94QF1kPaKMTW_WytdNw&dib_tag=se&keywords=inspire+me+planner&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1731843054&sprefix=inspire+me+planner%2Caps%2C82&sr=8-5

This is worded so incredibly well, it explains several relationships dynamics I see in my family. Thank you.

Perhaps you could go swimming together. Start by just relaxing and messing about in the water then build up to more movement. Then if you can swim start doing lengths. But build up slowly. Doing something together once or twice a week might help. You might be able to get a referral, to save some money) from the GP due to your back pain or other problems.

OP it sounds like you are having a really tough time.

I can really relate to the MH / chronic pain sending you spiralling. I won't say that I've 100% cracked the code, I still have low times but what helps me is...

• stop seeing the MH and physical health as separate, they are linked in so many ways. I used to try to focus on one or the other and nothing ever improved.

• stop looking for things to get 'better' or focusing on the things that you can't do. Things might not get better but you can make where you are right now work better for you.

If you're feeling down it will fill your mind late at night. Maybe have a look at a way you could vent, gratefulness exercise, mindfulness etc that may help you to put them to one side for a little bit.

I hope things improve for you.

But it's her responsibility not to "let it go that way", not his, surely?

Honestly, it sounds exhausting for him. She was sat in a mood (otherwise he wouldn't have had to ask her what's wrong to begin with), then refused to talk, and then when she did talk, it was a two hour long spiel about how awful she feels and how absolutely nothing can ever help her.

All of OP's responses on here are the same - she has a million things wrong but absolutely nothing can possibly be done to help her or make her feel better. If I was him, I'd be moving out.

I think you are over medicalizing your problems.
You say that none of the tests that you have been for are "over concerning."
Maybe you are looking for a medical solution to personal problems.

You say that your skin and hair are horrible and you are waiting for investigations.

In what way are they terrible?

Are you covered in acne and eczema and your hair is falling out? If so, then I can see why you would want medical help but if it is just rubbish hair and spotty skin then you will be able to take some steps yourself.

Your title sounds very positive, so try to hold on to that.

Try to do one useful thing a day
Try to do one indulgent thing each day
Try to read for 20 minutes a day
Do one self grooming task a day-even if it is just to use hand cream

Do a little walking even if it is just walking along the road for 10 minutes and looking through people's windows!

Remember, your results so far don't sound as if you are seriously ill, so put the medical aspect to the back of your mind and move forward with the purpose you show in your title!

Do you drink op? Because if I have a heavy drinking spell this is how I feel - unhealthy, hopeless, depressed. The difference in a few days once I’ve stopped is massive.

We obviously see the situation differently, however it appears that we do agree maybe they'd be best apart.

Exercise helps with that too. Exercise helps with lots and lots of things. I really would be frustrated in your boyfriend’s place too. You need to set some rules that you do some things every day including a half hour walk, and do keep trying with the gp. I’m not sure about the adhd, the depression seems a bigger problem right now. Ask your boyfriend to come on a walk with you.

I agree with many other posters on here.

So what self help have you tried - and really stuck too? What do you enjoy doing?

I have no understanding of why you would be waiting for an adhd diagnosis to dictate whether you try antidepressants again?

There are many antidepressants- you have not tried them all. This is one thing you can sort / discuss with a dr/ nurse asap.

Just other things to consider:

• vitamins - vitamin D deficiency (for example) can have an impact on your mood. Collagen supplements for hair and skin (check with pharmacist you can take these with any other meds you are on)
• Contraception - do you use a hormone based contraceptive- if so has it been reviewed recently, can this be contributing to your mood?
• Food - thinking about a balanced diet which helps maintain a stable blood sugar
• Exercise - being careful because of your pain - but low impact walking, pilates - it maybe boring but listening to a podcast or music can help when walking or at the gym. Walking with your bf cheap date night!
• Sleep- whats your routine like? Avoiding conflict before bed!! Distraction is good - I watch something funny for the 30 mins before bed just to switch off
• Have you referred yourself to the local talking therapy service IAPT - run normally by the mental health trust - they will offer 6-8 sessions based on your current key issues.
• If you think you have adhd - rather than waiting for outcomes from a Dr - read about it - are there any good piece of advice from trusted websites (and books) that you can implement now.

I am sorry but this does sit with you and I know it’s tough but your partner is trying his best too.

Chronic pain wears you down. Makes you more irritable, everything is more likely to stress you.
Do you know the cause of your back pain?
Have you tried yoga? Have you tried Bach remedies?
Do you have psychotherapy?

Your bf sounds like he thinks he resolves the situation by asking you whats going on. And when its not happening he blames that onto you.

I guess my view is that if OP hadn't shown signs of being down and upset to begin with, he'd never have felt the need to ask what's wrong, and there'd have been no reason for the conversation to happen in the first place.

I know OP is struggling but it comes across as being a bit "woe is me" to sit and bring the mood down, then not have the self-awareness to realise that venting at someone for two hours before bed is not a good idea.

She has been offered so, so much help - therapy, doctors appointments, hospital referrals - and still nothing is good enough and nothing will help. It's not easy to live with someone like that.

You have trapped yourself into victim / negativity mode and that is always something that is difficult to break free of. Nobody but you can get you out of it though. You need to accept that the way you feel now doesn’t have to be your life but you also have to accept the responsibility to do something about it. If you reflect honestly on all those things you’ve already ‘tried’…did you really try? If you approach change/self-improvement with a defeatist, negative mindset nothing will ever work and you’ll remain in your self-made prison of victimhood.

I have been there and I do not like who I am in that mode.

Some things that have helped me…

• If you drink alcohol regularly, stop.
• For diet, I’ve started using an app called Plant Points. You track all the plant-based foods you eat and aim for 30 different ones each week. It’s simple and easy. For further ease I buy pre-prepared veg that doesn’t require much effort. My focus is now on eating for a healthy gut rather than losing weight.
• I take vitamin D, B12, fish oil, magnesium and folic acid.
• Get off social media. It is modern day poison.
• Exercise has to be consistent. But start small and gradual. Walk for five minutes away from your house in any direction…time it…then turn around and walk back when the timer goes off. Gradually increase the time. Listen to music or a podcast or an audio book whilst you’re walking. Swimming is also great for those with pain syndromes, plus you then reward yourself with time in the jacuzzi or sauna after.
• Research/read about techniques to develop more of a positive mindset and actually do them.
• Reflect on your reactions to things. Learn to recognise when you are wallowing in your negativity. Does your boyfriend have a point when he says you lack self-awareness? If he does, work on improving. I use another app called Headway, which summarises self-help books on lots of different topics. I then read the actual books of the ones that make me stop and think or pique my interest.
• Find some small joys in life and embed them into your daily life. Find some things that make you smile. Create a Pinterest board of things that make you smile/laugh, that inspire you etc and look at it often.
• Get some therapy. Keep a journal. Be creative.

Autistic ADHDer here.

One thing that has genuinely helped me is scheduling worry time.

I will say to someone are you free for an hour on Tuesday so I can just bend your ear with all of my worries, get them out in the air and off my chest, and then it's done. I want you in listening mode and not problem solving mode, next week can we come back to this in problem solving mode when we've both had time to reflect.

I don't end up going off on tangents that impact others. Those that don't support this need in my journey of healing, or managing my emotions or whatever you want to call it get phased out, because we're all humans and we all need someone to talk to and if someone is only willing to use me as the listener, and not be the listener themselves then that is being taken advantage of and that is a hard boundary for me. Does your partner go off on long talks to you but gets upset when you expect him to reciprocate? Does he treat you differently to how you would treat him if he were in your shoes?

The rest of the time I do genuinely try to find solutions. I also exercise but have chronic pain and find it hard to identify the triggers. So I will say OK let's try this once, but this might exacerbate my pain so if this doesn't work we need to try something else instead because I have a disability. Another hard boundary is saying no, I am disabled I can't do that when it is likely to have a knock on effect and impact your daily living. Phase people out who don't understand or care about your physical limitations simply because they do not share the same limitations. It's a display of small mindedness that isn't conducive in any relationship. People who love you will try to understand you.

Understanding that some issues require short, medium and long term planning is also crucial. You can't expect everything to be fixed yesterday.

If your work is hugely stressful and you can’t make ends meet then there’s very little point continuing with that job. Your job is the way you spend the bulk of your time and has a huge impact on stress. Can you start with making the biggest change and look for a new job? And the exercise needs to be something like a 20-30 minute daily walk, not something here and there infrequently. Otherwise it’s not often enough to do anything to really improve your health. How about Pilates or yoga at home using an online class - there are loads of free ones such as Yoga with Arianne or Pilates Live with Vicky (searchable terms). The Pilates ones have classes which won’t hurt your back (think she’s a physio).

Has your thyroid been checked btw? That endless tiredness and low mood is a symptom.

Have you already tried CBT? If not that is worth a shot. You do have a lot going on and are clearly depressed, when I feel like this I have learnt to tell myself, I may as well be depressed with clean hair/a tidy house/having done some exercise. Sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes it doesn't, but what have I lost? I was already feeling up and depressed.
Your boyfriend can't fix you, and you already have plans in place for investigations etc so things may get better anyway. In the meantime you may as well look after your body and your home.

I do sometimes go to the gym and also I have been for a few runs.

If the gym and jogging aren't you thing then that's fine, finding it boring or unliking it will only add another negative to your life.

Wrapping up and getting outside for a stroll is just as beneficial for your health and mind, take a coffee, or whatever drink you like, and spend some time in the out doors, doesn't have to be hours can be 30 minutes.

I love taking a walk and seeing the changing gardens/environment through the seasons.

I have arthritis in my feet and knees and walking really does help and prevent them from locking up.

I have been here and reading all the brilliant responses, thank you!
I was slow as I needed some milk so took myself on the long walk to go to the shop. I do feel a bit brighter.

Thank you all so much for the insights. I absolutely know that I have a defeatist and negative mindset, and I’m trying so hard to change this. I feel like it’s so ingrained in me now that I don’t even notice I’m doing it!

This - lots of people seem reluctant to give medication a proper go, even if their life is crumbling around them. I believe a lot of the medication needs a six month minimum to start to really sew the benefits. If you haven't already OP, do try and stick with it. Sertraline saved my MH, and probably by extension my relationship.

Not everyone gets a mh benefit from exercise, my h is like that. He makes himself do it for the future, but didn't enjoy it in any way.

The fact you have made this post shows you do have some motivation for things to get better so well done!

Exercise is something that really helps my mental health. But I think you do need to enjoy it to be able to make it a regular thing. I enjoy walking on the treadmill while listening to music. I look forward to it because it is a chance to listen to music for half an hour/an hour. I also really enjoy swimming and then going in the spa afterwards. Another thing I like is going for a walk with my DP or a friend and getting a coffee at the end of the walk.

Ask yourself every day "how fun am I to live with?".

Yes we all have shit days, health problems and need to talk at times but come on, we, and our partners, were not put here to listen to others complain all the time.

Unless you are actively doing everything you can to help your situation, please don't be putting all of that on another soul daily.

There is a book by Rick Hanson called Resilient that suggests 12 practices that may be helpful for you.