Panto tickets- Christmas present?

[longdistanceclaraaa]

My inlaws want to take us and our two kids (7 and 9) plus my adult sister in law to a panto. Fine. Not my thing but happy to go and be grateful etc. particularly if it gives them an afternoon out that they want with the family.

They then announced that this was our (mine and DH's) Christmas present.

This seems strange to me. They've bought something they want (a family trip to the panto) but are calling it a present for the two of us. It also won't be SIL's Christmas present- just ours apparently. I am not sure why it is supposed to be a a particular treat for us out of everybody going, presumably because it is us who have kids. I would say at most that our own personal ticket might be considered a gift but no- the entire amount of taking all seven of us is considered to be mine and DH's present.

Is that not strange? Why would this be a be a particular treat for us? This is not how I'd choose to spend an afternoon over the Christmas holidays. I actually think we are doing this for them, going to something we (as adults) would not choose to go to but are prepared to go for them.

I think we should be politely grateful to them for taking us and they should be grateful to us for giving up our time to give them an event they want over the holidays but which we would never choose to do ourselves. But no, they somehow think this whole event is such a treat for DH and me that it amounts to our Christmas present.

AIBU?

I'm not, by the way, worried about the cost or into transactional gifts. This is not about the money. It is about the principle of buying yourself something which compels others to give up time they'd prefer to spend on other things to do something they won't particularly enjoy and then call it their gift (but no one else's).

I’d love it if my in laws did this! I looked at panto for me and the kids it was £100s and just not feasible. I’d much rather that then some body wash or socks!

OK, I'll break it to you gently...

Over the course of a thread on Mumsnet, especially one that's got to five pages or so, brand new concepts and ideas might be brought into the discussion. Some of these ideas might be discussed by subsequent posters. It's a bit like a conversation, if you know what that is. So you shouldn't assume after 50 posts or so that it's just the first post that is always being referred to and you may have to read and understand some of the others in order to keep up.

I would also rather watch paint dry.

What is really happening, I think, is that instead of buying DH and me a gift this year they are taking everyone to the panto, and the reason they are doing it this way is because the children are ours. But they are calling it our present.

Anyway, I'll smile and go and not have a hissy fit etc. It's not a big deal. It's just something I find a bit annoying.

Yes that’s exactly what I meant …they want to do the panto and assume your kids’ enjoyment would be the gift essentially.

I would absolutely make dinner before or after your gift to them and SIL in your shoes.

Why not ask if they just like to take the children without you, then they might buy you something you prefer for yourselves.

Unfortunately this will likely turn into an annual present for you unless you nip it in the bud , so go with it this time but make it clear afterwards that Panto is not your idea of a fun day out and next year they can just take the kids alone or not choice is theirs . I also agree with the pp that you should take them into a restaurant before or after the show and say that is their gift .

i doubt it will turn into an annual event, unless started when the dc were 3

No idea how that picture got there!!!

Yes, it’s a bit shit, even more so that you had to purchase the tickets yourself on behalf of everyone. They didn’t even gift you (Dh) the gift of an admin-free family outing. That said, it could be an even more shit gift and you’re having the right attitude to just smile, say thank you and get on with it. Maybe you can treat them to drinks and ice creams at the interval and announce that’s their Christmas present from you and then the whole in-laws Christmas is in the bag.

Aren’t you pleasant! 😵‍💫 imagine getting so wound up about a thread about a pantomime 😂 wow.

I was going to say YABU until you said it was only a present for you and dh.
So that's your present but sil is getting her ticket bought and also getting xmas presents?
YANBU to be secretly annoyed about that.

Why would anyone be annoyed about that?

Let me put this plainly-SIL (from what I gather) doesn't have kids and they're only buying HER ticket for HER.

The PIL are buying OP's, her DH's and their children's tickets. Thus-spending a lot more money on them as a unit than they are on SIL.

Have you made them aware that panto is not your thing, OP?

If not, then you can't really blame them for thinking this might be a great Christmas gift. After all-you were quite happy to accept the tickets before you knew that it was your Christmas gift.

They probably think it'll be a nice family outing. And panto can be really expensive.

It's irrelevant what your SIL is or isn't getting. You're not your PIL's child so it's normal that their actual child will get more than you. As a unit-you are getting more spent on you all as a whole for this event-so why wouldn't it be reasonable of your PILs to gift additional to their daughter?

I hate pantomime and musicals. I'd be pissed right off if someone bought me that as a present.

No- they are buying everyone's tickets for us ( me and DH)

Indeed. I would have been delighted if my in laws had financed a whole family panto trip when my kids were small. My sister had this privilege with her in laws and I was a bit jealous. What a great memory for everyone especially the kids.

Absolutely.

If the PILs are retired, they are likely on a fixed income. Even if they’re still working, panto tickets can be bloody expensive. I think it’s highly likely they simply can’t afford to give material gifts on top of taking the family out.

I assume that the children and SIL will be getting something as well as going to the panto? The kids get the lion’s share of gifts in most families, that’s to be expected. And does it really matter if they choose to give their daughter something too? The OP calls this strange, annoying etc, which suggests she thinks that she, too, is owed something else as a gift. This baffles me, really. Why do so many grown adults view Christmas through the lens of what they could/should receive as a gift? I totally understand the PP who mentioned the winter fuel bill, because the OP is essentially saying “It’s fine for them to pay for us all to go to the theatre, but where’s my real present?” at a time when budgets are reduced for a lot of people. I can’t help but see this as an entitled, greedy sort of attitude, and I feel bad for the PILs who likely think they’ve done a good thing.

When they said they wanted to take us i accepted that i'd go along to give them the family experience they are wanting. It doesn't mean the whole entire thing works the same as a present for us (and us alone).

I would from the beginning have preferred not to do this at all.

I don't think you can say 'oh I love sky diving and i'd love to take you all sky diving as one of my dreams is to all sky dive together' and when people say 'OK then' while privately thinking to themselves 'I'm going to have to paint a happy face on for this one' you then say 'and I'm doing it for you- this is all for you '.

As I have said anyway, it's not a big deal, it's just a niggle.

My brother and I often go to gigs together. If one is coming up that we both want to see around the time of his birthday I will buy his ticket. I wouldn't dream of including my own ticket as part of his present.

But anyway , the lesson from the first few posts still stands now some 100 odd posts later.

This is nothing more than a gift that misses the mark and that the recipient would be hapoy not to have, like many gifts that are exchanged each Christmas. It is not any bigger of a deal than that.

My brother and I often go to gigs together. If one is coming up that we both want to see around the time of his birthday I will buy his ticket. I wouldn't dream of including my own ticket as part of his present.

What difference does it make if it is or isn't part of his present, unless you are rating the value of the present in pounds sterling?

So if my budget for my brother's present is, say, £80. Gig ticket costs £55. I would take him for food or do something else for him for the rest of my budget.

Having a budget for presents does not mean someone is overly focused on pounds sterling.
Do most people not have to set a budget for presents?

What I am saying I would not do is suggest that the £110 I am spending on two tickets is all for him, when i would have always bought my own ticket for myself.

I think you are muddling up them assuming you want to spend time with them on this activity as a treat and wanting you to be grateful for (which its ok to feel annoyed about if its not something you'd enjoy,)with you feeling entitled to a present from them of a certain value which obviously isn't ok.

Did your DH discuss it with you before he booked the tickets? Does he think it's a nice gift or does he feel the same as you?

What's your relationship with your PIL and SIL like? If you don't really get on, it's a bit shit that your present is you paying for them to go to the pantomime.